Speech by Chris Whalley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Whalley
Speech Date: Aug 2001
On behalf of Louise I would like to thank Simon for his kind words and I'm sure you'll agree ladies and gentlemen that especially for a B****** Louise does actually scrub up quite well.

I've been Simon's friend all his life, although being older than him I was actually Louise's friend first. Louise and I soon tired of playing doctors and nurses together and it became more fun to bully her younger brother into eating dirt and worms, a B****** tradition I am pleased to report is still being upheld by young Sammy.

As youngsters me, Simon and the rest of the Malvern Avenue gang were always in and out of trouble and could either be found up the rucks behind our house making rope swings or in my dads shed smoking old cigarette butts we had found scavenging around our estate. Scavenging has always played a big part in Simons life, and even now the new Glazebury Hillbillies can often be found scratching around some tip or other. If there's owt for nowt give us a shout! Soon tiring of chain-smoking forty cigarette butts a day our attentions were then grabbed by the bigger toys in life.

Now most people in life are quite content to wait until they are 17 to learn to drive a car, but not Simon here. As soon as I passed my test and got a car Simon begged me to teach him to drive, even though he was only 14 years old. So after a couple of CCT's kangarooing round the train station car park Simon decided he was ready for the open road. Poser Mr B****** felt that he needed to test drive something with a little more speed and panache than my old MK2 Escort. So he talked me into giving him a lift to Alan Darlingtons car showroom on the A6 and soon found something that would fit the bill perfectly. As you all know Simon can be quite a charming and persuasive character when he wants to be and soon had the car salesman eating out of his hand – Yes of course I can afford it, – Yes of course I'm 17, – Yes of course I've passed my test. Before long I was sat giggling in the back seat of a top of the range Ford Capri, with a 14 Yr old Simon at the wheel doing about 90 MPH down the A6 with an absolutely terrified car salesman sat at the side of him clutching his seat.

Which brings me onto another story about cars and our scheming Mr B******.
When Simon was 17 he passed his driving test and him and Louise decided to club together and buy a car. So, Simon being Simon he couldn't get just any old car for his first car, he had to get a top of the range Ford Escort XR3i. As you can imagine the insurance for a 17 Yr old on a car like that was through the roof, so after a while Simon and Louise realised that the car would have to go. But they couldn't sell it.
Simon then thought all his prayers had been answered when his car was pinched a few weeks later from Wigan college car park, he was really excited about this – thought he'd got it all worked out. Insurance payout – sorted. Couple of days later he got a phone call from the police – Mr B****** we've found your car can you come and pick it up please. So Simon went to pick this car up and to his horror found there was not really much wrong with his car. So he thought, hang on, I can't have this, I'll take it out for a little ride myself. So then he took it down Shakerley Lane, near where we live and proceeded to write the car off himself by accidently-on-purpose ramming the car straight on into a bridge. When he got back home, smug Mr B****** – still quite pleased with his days handiwork started looking through all his documentation to sort out this insurance scam. Imagine his horror when because of his scant regard for the law he hadn't bothered MOT'ing the car for months, which made his insurance certificate about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. So through his own scheming and dodgy dealing he had smashed up his own – and his sisters – perfectly good car for nothing. Louise did you know about this?

Anyway, perhaps because of this Simon soon lost interest in cars and turned his attentions to the glamorous world of water and boats.

Simon and Darren bought a Ski-boat between them and then we hit upon the first problem of how we were going to tow this boat up to Lake Windermere. Now being a gang of creative genius's we soon had a towbar fixed to my old Escort that we had made ourselves out of an old metal bedframe. How we never had an accident with it I don't know but we were soon enjoying brilliant weekends skiing on Lake Windermere. One memorable weekend that I can remember was when we had the boat moored up there and decided to camp over for the weekend. Now as the campsite was quite a way away from where the boat was moored, Simon came up with the idea of borrowing Kenny's dad's tipper truck and us all camping in the back of that. Now the back of this tipper truck didn't have a roof on it so we rigged up a tent over the back of it using a big blue tarpaulin. I should mention at this point that the place we had the boat moored was a pretty posh place and as you can imagine our homemade gypsy wagon cut quite a dash parked alongside the Mercedes and the Porsches. For some reason this wasn't good enough for Simon and he had to sleep up front in the cabin while about 10 of us piled into the back. To be fair we had quite a good nights sleep in the back and all woke at about 8 O'Clock in the morning to the sound of Simon rustling about in the front. We all looked at each other, all knowing exactly what was coming next – Sure enough! Still all trapped in our sleeping bags all ten of us were unceremoniously dumped straight out the back. I'll give you that one.

Our hero then carried on his adventures through life, did his degree and went and spent three months abroad doing Camp America. On his return he then took up playing football again and through this met Luke. Then obviously through Luke met Gaby. Now, I didn't know about this but the other day we were all talking about first dates and Gaby painted the scene for us about her first date with Simon. Now, seeing as how Simon regards himself as a bit of a flash character, Gaby anticipated that her first date with Mr B****** would really be something to write home about. Gaby spent hours dolling herself up as she envisaged a few cocktails in a trendy Manchester wine bar, a romantic meal – who knows, even a club afterwards. Then the moment arrived as Simon picked Gaby up and off they went. Now, do you think this date lived up to Miss D*****’s high expectations? In a word No. Mr Smooth here took her to watch planes taking off at Manchester Airport, and instead of the cocktails she had imagined, found herself drinking half a lager out of a plastic glass! Oh look Gaby a Jumbo – Oh look Gaby a 757

How Simon ever got a second date after that I don't know, but fortunately for Gaby he did and love blossomed. Then came the engagement, in itself not without incident as dizzy Miss D***** then proceeded to lose her very expensive engagement ring. Little Sammy has now completed the perfect picture for them and I'm sure you'll all agree they make a lovely family.

I think a small word about the stag do is in order. We all went up to Edinburgh on the train and I can assure you Simon got more than his fair share of admiring glances strutting through Piccadilly Train Station dressed up in a lovely pink tutu complete with blonde wig. On the Saturday we had an afternoon paintballing but before the paintballing commenced Simon was chased around a field and painted head to toe a lovely shade of blue. I've got to say at this point that I had absolutely nothing at all to do with this Barbaric act and like a dutiful best man I was called upon afterwards to help him in the bath scrubbing his back and other hard to reach areas – like his ears. As you can imagine blue Cochineal food colouring doesn't come off too easily, and he had to be attacked vigorously with a pan scourer. I enjoyed that bit!

I think all this activity must have been a bit too much for our hero as when I woke up on the Sunday morning, the yellow-bellied wimp had scampered off home on his own to escape further punishment. A little message from the Barbarians Simon, this will not be forgotten!

Most of you here will know little Sammy and it's quite just and God's payback really that he's quite a mischievous little handful at times, but nothing near as much as his dad was. Simon seemed to spend most of his childhood grounded in his bedroom after being sent there by his dad for one naughty thing after another. I couldn't do this speech without mentioning Simon's dad Malcolm. Simon, I know if you're dad was here now he would be really proud of you, you're choice in Gaby and the lovely family that you've got. On a personal note it's been an honour for me to be you're best man today.

Cards

From the lads at football, To Simon and Gaby – Hope you have a lovely day
Gaby, we've tried Simon in every position and found him absolutely useless in all of them. Hope you have more luck.

Toast

I'd now like to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Simon and Gaby, the new Mr & Mrs B******.

We wish them all the health, love and happiness in the world. Simon and Gaby!