Speech by Chris

Speech Creator: Chris
Speech Date: 12/09/2018 23:08:50

Hello everyone.… one second! Rock, paper, scissors.

I guess I'm going first then!  Wow what a great couple of speeches we have just heard. Well done to Steve and Paul.

So… introductions! My name is Chris and for those of you who don't know me I'm Steve's long suffering older Brother. First things first, I would just like to draw your attention to the 5 full shot glasses in front of Steve, this is because Steve has a big mouth a can't help getting involved. This is a preventative measure to ensure this doesn't happen. If Steve interjects at any point then his forfeit is to ‘do a shot’.  Claire I apologise if this effects ‘later on’, but needs must!

But before I start with the customary duty of giving Steve an uncomfortable few minutes, it is part of the official duty of one of the best men to thank the father of the Bride Paul on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words, a for having them play a part in this special day. I have to say they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job.  And the ushers – what good looking chaps they are, they must have great parentage!

Indeed the bridesmaids are only eclipsed by Claire herself, who, I'm sure you'll all agree looks absolutely stunning.

Now I did ask for a microphone for this speech but was told one was not available. So if you struggle to hear me at the back, the silence from the front should reassure you that you are not missing out on anything!

I would like to start by talking about Steve's early love life!!  Now before any of you think this is a big NONO at a wedding.  I have cleared it with Clare a she is fine with it.  At Junior School Steve was ‘desperate’ for a girlfriend so would ask pretty much the whole school to go out with him every day.  Until one fateful day a girl said yes: Shelley Elson was her name, Steve was instantly besotted. Being 8 and in love every time we went anywhere, on holiday, day trips away.… He would have to bring Shelley back a prezzie!  This went on for about 2 months, until one day Shelley got tired of this over affection and dumped him at school by bringing everything he had ever bought her and Dumping it in the middle of the school playground. (Pause to see if Steve interjects!)  I bring this up today because I just want to let you know Steve that the staffs have been warned not to group the presents in a big pile.  In case you have a panic attack!  I would like to add though, Clare, that this did make Steve put up a bit of a guard in future relationships but you have well and truly smashed that down!  So well done to you Clare, you now have a completely besotted wet blanket as a husband.

I knew Clare's Effect on Steve was instant because we actually met her!!  Not only met her, but within 2 weeks of them going out he couldn't wait to show his beautiful girlfriend off, and also couldn't help mentioning her age to all his mates several times, I think the only time he was kept quiet, but only for a couple of seconds was when I worked out that Clare was closer in age to my first born Olivia than himself. But of course  I would like to point out though that age is but a number and Clare you are so much more mature than my little brother ever will be, and have domesticated him beyond mine and Helens’ imagination.  The amount of times Helen and I would be watching x factor or some other sat night dross.  Our minds would wander after a glass of vino or two a I would say something like.  ‘When is Steve gonna (sing in style of boy zone)” find a girl settle down when is he gonna marry” ‘  then Helen would normally rudely interrupt by saying ‘Fi a GIRL are you sure?!!’  Anyway I digress a Helen you owe me a tenner!

Anybody that knows Steve will also know how much of a show off he is, Clare I seriously don't know how you manage to live with his constant need for messing around.  I remember on the return from my stag do to Budapest in 2007 I nearly thanked Steve for such a great stag do and nearly wished HIM good luck with HIS wedding he took over it so much. To be honest though Steve, I have never minded that one bit. I used to try and compete with you, but as hard as it is to admit as a big brother, you have always been light years ahead of me on entertainment.  You make fries wherever you go.  You have that charisma and likability that escapes most people. You are a great listener (believe it or not). You have always been there for Mum and I, and a whole host of others, including most importantly the beautiful lady by your side today.  From the two of yours ingenious ‘pitch black hide and seek games’ to your catching each other out, Clare's Gym drive springs to mind! To your travelling around the globe on amazing holidays, you 2 are made for each other.  And I am looking forward to seeing what other big life memories you can make together.

Now that was all far too mushy a sincere so I would like, before I end today, a pass you over to the 2 best man Nathan!! I would like to ask a question. Did anybody know that Steve is a rapper??

Well he is! Now people this is before Eminem, Snow even Vanilla Ice, yes Steve was busting lyrics back in the day before any of them, going under the pseudonym ‘Stylish Steve’, the rap itself went something like ‘I was walking down the street one day a then I saw a toad’, then something about the toad going on the road.  Lyrical genius, but the best bit was his sign off that he did after every rap, kind of like the rap version of jerry springer's final thought. 

Steve if you would like to stand up and give us that sign off as a fitting end for this speech.

“He's cool I'll second that, he's cool he's the king of the rap. Stylish Steve!”

(Get Steve to do a shot for talking)

Thanks everyone I think that sums him up.  He talks about himself in so many extra persons there, talk about loving yourself!!  But Claire I know his ego moved over big time when you walked into his life. 

Congratulations to you both, Steve it has been an honour being one of your best men.  Love you brother, and Love you Claire, welcome to the family!