Speech by Christian Horn

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Christian Horn
Speech Date: oct 2004
Typical the first time matt pays for dinner and i'm to nervous to eat it…
ANYWAY!
I'd like to start by thanking Matthew for those kind words and echo them, I thought I'd better had, being as my wife is the chief bridesmaid and if I don't say how beautiful she looks I am liable to spend tonight on the sofa. I would also like to say how wonderful Emma Looks and what a lucky man Matthew is,
They maried today for better or for worse, Matthew couldn't have done better and Emma could't have done any…..Ermm….better Either!
She hasn't stopped Smilling all day!
Despite just gettng Married to Matthew
(pause)

My Role as Best man is going better than expected today,
I've so far managed to Pick up the Flowers, get Matthew dressed immaculately And get him to the registry office on time, an achievement which shouldn't be underestimated, as I'm Sure you all know Matthew is not renowned for his time keeping abilities,
And I admit that a bit of polish may now have faded.
But at 3pm this afternoon he was still sober and looking smart
and that is totally unheard of.

I'd like to take this opportuity to mention about how I was offered the gig of best man.
It's not so much a funny story more like a tear jerker.
What happended was!
Matthew was having a hard time deciding due to the seriousness of the job so he compiled a list of possibilities,
When he showed me the list my eyes started to glaze over and I felt a lump at the back of my throat I couldn't believe it!
There I was Fourth from bottom just below abdul from BEST KEEBABS.
It was an Honour

I have to say, I was suprised by the amount of responsibility required of me. A book a I bought on the subject said that It was my job to make sure that the grooms face and hair are in good order – But honestly if God Couldn't do it first time what chance did I have.

It hasn't been plain sailing either Emma and Rhian Worked extremely hard planning this wedding so you could imagaine their horror when the hire firm confirmed that they were having problems with Matthew's Outfit, it turned out that they couldn't get hold of a dress shirt with a 16" Collar, a 32" chest and with extra long arms!
But where there's a will there's a way
And luckily they managed to get hold of one from
The P.G. tips costume Department

Okay, that's enough of the niceties.
Now its time to get down to the nitty – gritty of embarrassing the very man who showed such faith and yet such poor judgement, in choosing me as best man

So let's start at the beginning
Matthew was born (pause) sometime towards the end of January in 1980
He was born at Mount Pleasant hospital
And Weighed in at 8lb 6oz
The day in which staff and local residents still refer to as Monkey Birth Tuesday.
He was extremely bright in his formative years but as he has gotten older and with a little help from the sun he's more of a strawberry blonde today…
But seriously he was very bright in school and excelled in all subjects but this did have it's draw backs as he was offten on the receiving end of some name calling:
Braino!
Matthewmatic!
to name just a few
Looking back I shouldn't have been so harsh!

Matthew was also a terrific athlete
He was the key figure in the 1991 Cup winning Squad for west end under 12’s
Where he scored 32 goals, 30 of which coming from his head
Bearning in mind he did have a overwhelming advantage of Being six foot tall

Our School years passed in no time Matthew leaving with an impressive 9 Gce's
And then enrolled in Swasea College studing A levels
It was around this time that we were introduced to the wonders of Alcohol.
I recall one day in particular when I happened to have an early finish, I phoned Matt and when he answered he was mixing up his words and slurring so not to miss out on any action I asked where he was so we could meet up, it turned out however that he was in an economics lecture.
I have a pic of Matthew after a typical heavy session, I like to call it Nostril Regurgitation (show pic).

I thought that it would be nice to mention how Matthew and Emma first met.
Ive since been told that he went bright red, His eyes popped wide open and his jaw dropped
You can imagine he pobabaly resembled a choking goldfish!
But fortunately for him, Emma had a fondness for aquatic animals.
I actually have here the first letter Matt Sent Emma after there first encounter (hold up letter made from cut up magazines and newspapers).

Now Then back to the task in hand,
As we all know Matthew is hardly a D.I.Y. dunamo and his practical skills have always been a great source of entertainment,

Most recently whilst I was using their Bathroom I washed my hands and turned around to use the towel when I stumbled upon the most outrageous bit of D.I.Y I have ever witnessed.
The towel Rail had come away from the wall, fair enough these things do happen, all it takes is a bit of overzealous wiping or impatience.
Now any D.I.Y'er worth their Salt would either remove the whole rail and replace the raw plugs, fill the hole. use a bigger screw or ever reposition the rail completely,
But Not Matthew
No
He had
In a failed attempt wrapped the screw with a waterproof plaster and pushed it back into the wall leaving a horrendous sight. When confronted he insisted that he had tried to fill the hole but to no avail and the plaster had held for a while until Emma had used the Towel.
Basically!
I think Matthew is the only man I know who can decorate a House and lower its Value!

Off the subjust a bit!
Is anyone else supprised at Matthew and Emma's unusual choice of Honeymoon destination, I dont know whether you know this but Croatia is one of the few countries left in the world that has yet to have a single branch of MacDonald's, (look at bride and groom) What you gonna do Guy's, you'll starve.

I have to say Matthew you are a lucky groom marrying Emma today as she deserves a good husband and thank goodness you married her before she found one.

But seriously there are not many best men who could describe both the bride and the groom as true friends,
But in that I'm Lucky
It is an honour, albeit a terrifying one to have been asked to be best man here today. but I must admit I do feel a certain relief to see the end of my duties in sight, as I know that Matthew will never have any need to ask me to be his best man again.

Well to say my throat was dry at the start of this speech would be an understatement
So I think It would be a good Idea to propose a toast.

So let us congratualate Matthew and Emma for taking this significant step, let us wish them all the happiness from this day forward.
Ladies and gentelmen, please rise and join me in drinking a toast to the bride and groom.

The bride and Groom