Speech by Christopher Jenkins

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Christopher Jenkins
Speech Date: Aug2004
Thank you Duncan, I must say these are magnificent surroundings although I understand the short-list of venues came down to two. There was no difference in price but Maidstone working men's club had been booked for a bingo evening so we ended up here.

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen my name is Chris and welcome to my speech. This is the second time I have stood up nervous in front of a room full of people, although this is a much happier occasion for me. The last time I was fined two hundred quid and given 90 hours community service…That's the last time I hold up a kebab van. So I was very nervous about being best man today and told Simon he'd be better off going with someone without my advanced turrets syndrome.

Firstly I would like to thank Simon on behalf of the Bridesmaids, Michaela, Madeleine, Helen and Sophie-Jane and would add that you all look fabulous. I would also add that when I saw Marisa this morning I thought she looked a million dollars. When I saw Simon I thought he looked seven million Vietnamese Dong – 13 pounds 67 pence at today's rate of exchange….excellent value.

So this is the first time I have ever been best man. In fact to ensure there were no chinks in the armour I read the book, the best man's checklist. There are
several duties for the best man. The first of course is to arrange the Stag night. Simon only wanted something small and quiet in keeping with his modest image but I won't be touching on that weekend in Las Vegas, as I am near to closing a deal on the video footage for a film called “Las Vegas – My Goodness!”

I was also told I must take the groom to bed early. This I found to be a most unsavoury prospect and one more for the bride herself. Fortunately I had got the wrong end of the stick, pardon the expression and Simon slept like a baby, only wetting the bed once or twice during the night. Despite such disturbances we were able to deliver Simon to the church on time.

The only other cause for concern in my checklist was the bit that reminded the best man to bring cash and cheque book to “settle any expenses the groom may have overlooked”. My initial instinct was to call the bank about my overdraft as I thought Simon may have overlooked the entire wedding……You see Simon's wallet is like the loch ness monster……sightings are very rare and often unsubstantiated. Like a lunar eclipse, I saw his wallet two years ago but it had gone in a flash and is not scheduled to re-appear again until October 2006.

Anyway enough of such pleasantries, my job today is to engage in the ritual character assassination of the groom and I am hoping I can fulfil this objective with ease.

I might first add that I was very nervous about what attire I would be expected to wear today because Simon considers himself to be very fashionable. Simon often walks the tightrope that divides looking fabulous and looking hilarious. I was fearful that Simon's Wedding collection might encompass something from the wardrobe of Graham Norton, a frilly pirate number with burgundy velvet suit. When I first met Simon all those years ago, his outfit was unique – he was sporting the biggest pair of cowboy boots yet seen outside of the wild west, most eye-catching because there were no other cowboys in our school, let alone the Maidstone area.

Simon has certainly mellowed his dress sense over the years but can still relied upon to wear outfits last seen on the sets of Starsky &amp Hutch, although my personal favourite is a brown pinstripe 3-pice suit which Simon fancies himself in as something of a gangster. Simon has always been fond of gangsters and a tour of his film collection would be a tribute to de niro and pacino and Simon was always taken with the romance of the gangster although I'm very glad he stayed with banking as there are very few Sicilians with blond hair and fair skin. Simon would have stood out like a pork chop in Jerusalem at the police line-up and would probably be halfway through a twenty year stretch.

It is harsh but fair to say that Simon has not always been the handsome man you see before you today. As a youngster he was no oil painting and when he was invited to Michael Jackson's house in Neverland as a boy he was puzzled to find he was the only one directed to the spare room that night. However he has come a long way since those dark days and Simon is now the vainest man in the city of London. Recently in Spain, I found in the bathroom a yellow bottle called Lemon Lights, it said “perfect for blondes simply apply to damp hair for delicious blond highlights that will be the envy of your girlfriends”.

Currently, Simon favours the style of the city yuppie and has acquired a Porsche to emphasise his big cheese status. Unfortunately in recent years he has also taken to offering share tips to anyone who will listen. Never listen – you wouldn't buy perfume off a skunk, and Simon's tips will burn your cash faster than Imelda Marcos in a shoe shop. More Sorrow than Soros, Financial analysts admire the way Simon can send a profitable company to the graveyard with a mere hint of interest.

Simon has an interest in sports, as a youngster he was chief goal hanger for Coxheath, his impact on the game was such that Coxheath were the only team in the league to be allowed twelve players. Recently Simon and friends have taken to golf. Suffice to say that if club – chucking was an Olympic event, Simon would be in Athens this weekend. The problem with his game is that he stands too close to the ball.… usually after he's hit it!

Of course as Simon's partner in crime I was with him the fateful evening he met Marisa. My advice was to forget the trusty chat-up line…”are you from the Caribbean? Because Jamaican me crazy”. I knew he would do well in a pub called the legless ladder.

In summary, I would say Simon is a true gentlemen, honourable, trustworthy, does a lot of work for charity.… Si what does this bit say????

I would say Simon has a great friend to me for many years and I am very proud to be here and speak on his behalf. Marisa is a wonderful girl and I truly wish tem all the very best on the exciting journey that lies ahead.

Therefore would you be upstanding and join me in toasting the delightful couple
Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom.