Speech by Colin Paterson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Colin Paterson
Speech Date: Sep2004
Applause already, Ive not even started yet!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd like to make sure everybody can hear me….can you all hear me? What about youse oar by the bar? Yeah yous can here mi, then someone please order me a triple voddy!!

Can I ask you all to be considerate during my speech and laugh out loud at the right points and snigger where appropriate, because Alan has already told me if I do well today he will definitely use me at his next wedding. I would also like to say how much i appreciate Alan & Wendy giving me the opportunity to make a fool of myself amongst their family and friends. This is the largest role I have played at a wedding since my mum & Dad got married

Wendy telt mi last last night yir speech better nae go on for ages, coz Alan's extra helping of ice cream will probably melt. So.… it's a good job I made a few short notes (drop the neatly folded paper all the way down to the floor)

Alan also tried to convince me last night that he widna be nervous today. So we went out for a couple o pints last night and Alan slept like a baby…..… He was waking up every half hour crying for his ma!

Now onto a few traditional formalities before we get onto the fun and embarrassing stuff!!!

OK, Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, friends, relatives, hangers on, and hotel staff. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Colin; It is a great privilege to act as Alan's best man today.

On behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Alan for his kind words, and I have to say they have done an excellent job today and look absolutely amazing. We must also nae forget aboot the Bride and Grooms mothers as they also look radiant.

I'd also like to thank the Ushers, Mike and Bruce for their great work today. And Chris Alan's groomsman for making sure we all got across queen street ok after our few pints at the Station earlier.

I'm sure you'll all agree with me that Wendy looks gorgeous today and her dress is absolutely stunning, which proves the one thing I've always known about Alan, … that he is definitely a man of vision… often blurred, sometimes double, but nonetheless a man of vision and lucky enough to have found a real beauty.

Most of you wina ken but I hiv chosen Alan to be my bestman in 2 years time. But Alan has warned me to be careful on what I say today coz revenge is sweet and he will repay me 10 times what I do to him, so here's £20 quid and I'll expect £200 quid on my wedding day!

I spent many nightshifts down in Birmingham trying to write this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible. So where do you begin for ideas? The obvious place for me seemed to be the internet, After a couple of hours searching the net I found a REALLY REALLY good website, but then I remembered, I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips not Jordan's…………… tips.com

I must admit I did actually find LOADS of ready-prepared speeches on the internet.… but sadly, NONE of them were about a couple called Alan and Wendy fae Peterheed….so it looked like it was down to me after all.

I then decided to start writing down everything I could remember that Alan and I had done over the years. But this wasn't particularly successful either, as a lot of it would have got Alan strung up by his mum, some of it would have got me strung up by my mum and all of it would have got us both strung up by Wendy.

So, as it was quite challenging coming up with anything I could actually tell you, I thought about getting some visual help… but I only have photos of Alan with his long hair & vest tops, however Alans Mum and dad were more than willing to look out photos of there wee loon.

So i got the photos, and chose this "marvellous shot of Alan on a changing mat". So if you could all join me in wearing the 3D glasses provided on the table (put on big glasses), we will be able to get the powerpoint presentation underway (take out laptop) – Could someone please dim the lights (wait a second) only joking Alan do you honestly think I would do that to you?
I was..… planning to blow the picture up to a suitable size, but no company had equipment to enlarge it sufficiently to show anything of significance (laugh). Mind you, what Alan was doing on a changing mat ……naked……aged 27, I've no idea!

I do have a few acceptable stories l could tell you that would leave Alan embarrassed and humiliated, but out of respect for him on his big day I have decided NOT to tell any of them.

So.… I'm not going to tell you
About the time he passed out on holiday last year (Photo)
or about crusing the broch, roon the flaggy wee his reed fieeste pop wi his windis doon and his music blaring.
or about the Stag Night in Glasgow – (deer fingers) law of the stag and all that
however, Stuart I must say your tequila snorting went down quite well.
In fact im not even going to mention Alans hair doos he has had in the past – you know, the shoulder length hair the pony tails and not forgetting the…..… Greek god doo!!!
(hold up enlarged photo of Alan)

Alan is now a very keen golfer and plays regular at Cruden Bay,
I personally think he would be better off taking up the javelin as he can throw his golf clubs a lot further than he can hit the ball.
Arthur also told me – That Alan's main problem with his golf game is that he stands to close to the ball … usually…… after he's hit it!

Now moving onto the happy couple

I asked Alan to e-mail me a general overview on how they first met.
After reading page 4 of 16, I had to stop – I realised I was crying my eyes out at how romantic, it all had been, and I must say I think it was love at first sight. Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

For the next part of my speech I would like to ask for Alan and Wendys input.
Wendy, could you place your right hand flat on the table…
Right Alan, if you could place your left hand directly on top of Wendy's.
Enjoying that Alan? Make the most of it, coz it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand!

I now want to point out on how Alan and Wendy will make a great team together,
Alan makes a mess – Wendy tidys up,
Wendy cooks the food – Alan eats it,
Alan drinks – Wendy drives …………….I could go on all night really.

Everybody here knows Alan in a different way. Some of you know him as a loving relative or friend, others as a butcher, some as a great DJ and others as a rust testing mannie. To me Alan you have been a true friend over the years and we have shared some excellent times and experiences and I know we will continue to do so in the future.

I'd like to finish by saying:-

I hope your marriage turns out like a summers day – warm, close and with a little son to follow.

It has been an honour and a pleasure being best man,
but today I am the best man in name only.
It's Alan and Wendy's day and I'd like to wish them all the very best for this new chapter in their lives.

If everyone could join me upstanding

Here's to Love, Laughter
And happily ever after.
As Alan and Wendy start their new life
Lets toast the new husband and wife;

Alan & Wendy