Speech by colin picton [chunky.picton@tiscali.co.uk]

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: colin picton [chunky.picton@tiscali.co.uk]
Speech Date: Aug2005
NOW BEFORE I START I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU ALL A MESSAGE FROM THE MANAGER DUE TO HEALTH AND SAFETY NONE OF YOU ARE TO STAND ON THE CHAIRS OR TABLES DURING MY STANDING OVATION.

WELL LADIES AND GENTLEMAN IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW MY NAME IS CHUNKY… AND AS BEST MAN IT IS MY JOB TO GIVE TONY THE 5 MOST UNCOMFORTABLE MINITES OF HIS LIFE….FOR THE RECORD SHAZ THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE FIVE MINITES OF YOUR LIFE WILL COME LATER ON IN THE EVENING COURTESY OF YOUR TONY..…

WELL I THOUGHT I WOULD LET YOU IN-TO THE MEETING OFTHESE TWO LOVELY PEOPLE.… WELL IT GOES A SOMETHING LIKE THIS.… THEY FIRST MET 6 YEARS AGO IN THE HOSPITAL WHERE SHARON USED TO TELL TONY TO NOT TO BE SO SERIOUS AND TO LIGHTEN UP.. AS WE CAN SEE HE DIDN'T TAKE HER ADVICE…
BUT HE PESTERED HER FOR YEARS WANTING TO GET HER IN THE SACK.… BUT THEN AFTER GOING OUT ON THE TOWN ONE NIGHT SHAZZA'S DEFENCE WAS DOWN AND THE TIGER POUNCED.… HE TOOK HER BACK TO THE NURSES ACCOMODATION WITH HIS TROUSER SNAKE TWITCHING TO BE UNLEASHED… BUT TONY BEING THE GENT HE IS DID NOT WANT TO DO IT ON THE FIRST NIGHT… SO HE DONE IT IN THE MORNING INSTEAD…… AND AFTER ALL THE BUILD UP AND HIPE LIKE A FLASH OF LIGHTENING IT WAS ALL OVER … YES 20 SECONDS AND THAT WAS IT… AND NOW SHAZ TELLS ME AFTER 6 YEARS IT'S WHAT WAS THAT SHA 45 SECONDS SOMETIMES 50..…

BEFORE I GO ON TONY SAID TO ME YESTERDAY WILL YOU PROMISE TO DO ME TWO THINGS AS MY BEST MAN.… 1/ MAKE SURE MY WIFE TURNS UP ON TIME….2/ MAKE SURE SHE IS LOOKING PRETTY AND WHITE…..THANKGOD YOU TURNT UP ON TIME……

NO SERIOUSLY I WOULD LIKE TO SAY I DID NOT THINK I WOULD SEE YOU LOOKING SO LOVELY, ALSO THE LAUREN AND ALSO MYSELF….…

I ASKED SERIOUS WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR IN A MARRIAGE.. HE SAID LOVE HAPPPINESS, AND ENJOY MY FAMILY LIFE FOREVER.… ALTOGETHER AAARRRRRRRRH
I ASKED SHAZZA THE SAME QUESTION AND SHE REPLIED KY JELLY AND A PLATINUM RAMPANT RABBITT….…

ALTHOUGH I HAVE NOT KNOWN TONY VERY LONG, I DON'T REALLY HAVE MUCH TO SAY ABOUT HIM BECAUSE HE HASN'T REALLY DONE AWEFUL LOT, BUT APPARENTLY HE CAME CLOSE TO DROWNING ONCE AND HIS WHOLE LIFE FLASHED BEFORE HIS EYE'S ,BUT THE ONLY THING WAS HE WASN'T IN IT.

I THINK TONY'S PERSONALITY AND SENSE OF FUN RESULTED IN THE CHILDHOOD GAMES HE USED TO PLAY WITH HIS MUM AND DAD AS A KID.… THEY USED TO THROW HIM UP IN THE AIR .… AND WALK AWAY….!!!!!

IN THE RUN UP TO TODAY'S BIG EVENT TONY AND SHAZ HAD A BIT OF AN ISSUE WITH SEATING PLAN,BECAUSE REALLY COULDN'T DECIDE WHO TO PUT WHERE… SO AS BESTMAN I OFFERED TO STEP IN AND HELP WORK SOMETHING OUT… WHAT WE FINALY DECIDED TO DO WAS USE THE WEDDING PRESENT LIST AND PUT THOSE WHO BOUGHT THE LARGEST PRESENTS NEAR THE FRONT AND WORK IT BACK FROM THERE… SO IF YOU CAN HEAR ME AT THE BACK THANK YOU ..… AND…… FOR THE OVEN GLOVE..

WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH TONY LOVES HIS JOB BUT ON THURSDAY NIGHT AT REHERSALES HE WENT A BIT FAR… SHARON BUT OUT HER FINGER FOR THE RING TO GO ON AND HE TOOK HER PULSE INSTEAD……

TONY'S LIFE AS BEEN FILLED WITH PERSONNEL MISHAPS AND INJURY.. WE ALL KNOW WHAT A PROLIFIC RUGBY TALENT TONY WAS!!!!! HE'S INJURED HIS BACK ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS, BROKE BOTH ARMS STRAINED THE ODD MUSCLE HERE AND THERE… HE IS SO PRONE TO ACCIDENT WE DECIDED TO WALK TO THE CHURCH TODAY, AND WHEN WE ARRIVED HALF THE PEOPLE DID NOT RECOGNISE TONY WITHOUT HIS WALIKNG STICK OR WHEELCHAIR BUT I'M GLAD HE IS FIGHTING FIT FOR THEIR SPECIAL DAY WELL MAYBE FIT IS NOT THE WORD BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.…

AS YOU ARE ALL AWARE THE LADIES TAKE PRIDE IN GETTING THEMSELVES SANTROPAYED AND ECO TANED WELL TONY THOUGHT HE WOULD GIVE IT A WHIRL SO HE WENT TO VOGUE AND WENT ON THE SUN BED FOR 12 SESSIONS AND AS YOU CAN SEE IT LOOKS ALRIGHT… ANYWAY HE WAS SO OBSESSED THAT THE ONLY PLACE THAT HAD NOT GOT TANNED WAS HIS PENIS, SO LAST WEEKEND HE TOOK HIMSELF TO THE QUIET SAND DUNES OF FRESHWATER EAST AND BURIED HIMSELF IN THE SAND JUST LEAVING HIS PENIS STICKING OUT OF THE SAND… ANYWAY TWO OLD LADIES WERE SROLLING ALONG THE BEACH, ONE USING A CANE. UPON SEEING THIS THING STICKING OUT OF THE SAND, SHE BEGAN TO MOVE IT AROUND WITH HER CANE SHE TURNT AROUND TO THE OTHER LADY… THERE IS NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD.… THE OTHER LADY SAID WHAT DO YOU MEAN…
WELL WHEN I WAS 20 I WAS CURIOUS ABOUT IT … WHEN I WAS 30 I ENJOYED IT.… WHEN I WAS 40 I ASKED FOR IT … WHEN I WAS 50 I PAID FOR IT …WHEN I WAS 60 I PRAYED FOR IT….WHEN I WAS 70 I FORGOT ABOUT IT.. NOW I'M 80 AND THE DAMM THINGS ARE GROWING WILD AND I'M TOO OLD TO SQUAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TONY YOU KNOW I TOLD YOU I WOULD NOT MENTION THE STAG DO.… WELL I WONT BUT JUMBO ASKED ME TO ASK YOU CAN YOU GIVE HIM HIS £40 BACK FOR THAT NAKED LAP DANCE YOU HAD………

WELL WITHOUT FURTHER A DO COULD WE ALL STAND UP AND TOAST THE HAPPY COUPLE AND WISH THEM MANY YEARS OF HEALTH AND HAPPINESS TOGETHER..… TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM…..…