Speech by Colin Powell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Colin Powell
Speech Date: May 2002
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen.

Firstly .. on behalf of the Bridesmaid Nicola , I'd like to thank Mike for the very nice words given to her and I'm sure you will all agree that she looks lovely and has done a great job in getting the Bride .. Fiona .. to the church on time – considering its Mike that was there waiting for her.

As for the happy couple:- I'm sure you'll all agree that Fiona is looking fabulous today in such a beautiful dress . And ….… Mike looks ok !

I must say what a lovely church it was .. so idyllic for the ceremony , and what an entertaining priest . I was in fact chatting to the vicar before the wedding and asked him his thoughts on sex before marriage . He said .. we are now in a modern age and he felt that it was no problem whatsoever … so long as it didn't hold up the ceremony for too long .

Mike spoke about when he first approached Fiona in the staff car park wearing a pair of shorts. For those of you that might have seen Mike's legs then you will be able to relate quite easily to the story that I'll tell you a bit later. You will also share in my amazement that Fiona has turned up today having seen them previously.

Fiona told me that she thought Mike looked handsome from afar ………or was that .. far from handsome ?

I'd like now to say a few words about Fiona ..

Not knowing her that well as I've only met her a few times due to living down in Essex , I did some research to find some information or stories about her and managed to come up with the following :-

On one occasion Fiona went for a chiropodist appointment . She turned up in adequate time and sat in the waiting room as was the usual procedure . After about half an hour she got a bit concerned and wondered why so many people were sitting with cats and dogs . On enquiring at the reception desk she discovered that the place had changed hands some weeks ago and was now a vets.

Fiona and her mother Dorothy once took a trip to Middlesborough to visit a sick relative in hospital . Having got as far as Thirsk in North Yorkshire they were unlucky and the car had a blow out. Fiona flagged down a passing motorist asking him if he would phone the AA for her , giving him all their details and £1 to cover the call he went off . Time ticked by and no sign of the AA . Fiona decided to leg it across some fields , then negotiated a stream , more fields and some hills until eventually coming across a cottage from where she called the AA.
They confirmed the breakdown had not been reported . After making her way back and sitting for more time on the hard shoulder it was now 5.00pm . Another passing motorist stopped asking if they needed assistance ? He claimed he had passed them in the opposite direction that morning on his way to work and had done a whole shift down a coal mine only to discover they were still there all those hours later. Needless to say they never made it to Middlesborough and ate the chocolates themselves.

( I now move to the rear of Mike placing my hand on his shoulder )

Now then :- Handsome ..Intelligent .. Witty .. Charming .. and Great Fun To Be Around ..

BUT … that's enough about me …

It's now time to move on to talk about Mike.

I met Mike some 15 years ago when I joined a martial arts club . He kindly invited me to join him and some of the others for a drink in the bar afterwards. I remember thinking that was very nice of him , not realising that he expected me to buy all the drinks.

It's a great honour to be Mike's Best Man today .. Although a daunting job for anyone , but he's told me if I do a good job today then he'll let me be best man again at his next wedding .

Eight years ago Mike moved North from Essex claiming it was a career move , but coincidently it followed his appearance on Crimewatch UK . He used to sport a full beard and a moustache .. that disappeared at the same time as well .

I've never asked !

Mike does a few activities outside work . He plays five a side football . I spoke to some of the other members of the team and asked them about Mike's abilities .
They told me that Mike was absolutely useless in every single position .. and hoped that Fiona had more luck !

When Mike was younger he wanted to be a pilot .. He'd probably get a job now with Receding Airlines !

Mike is quick to tell everyone that he has a black belt , but if you look very closely at his certificate .. It's a qualification in Origami .. ( the martial art of paper folding )

A friend of Mike's is a member of the Roundtable . He has invited Mike out on some exciting evenings with him such as .. table tennis , rambling and cycling ..very exciting so say no more .. But .. Mike went along invited to a surprise function one evening at a swimming pool complex in Newcastle. On arrival at the reception Mike was handed a small towel . Whilst waiting he peered through a partially steamed up window in an adjoining door to observe naked men wandering around . Anyway … to cut to the chase .. Mike found himself on a Naturist evening thinking should he or shouldn't he join in ? However it was free so of course he did .. Turkish steam rooms ..saunas .. naked men .. well you get the picture .

DUBLIN STAG WEEKEND

I went with Mike and a group of lads that work with him for a weekend in Dublin . I can just about remember a couple of stories from the time out there .

We went out for electrifying nights with Mike .. and if any of you have seen Mike dancing .. You'd think he'd been electrocuted !

We went to a Piza Hut for a break from drinking . The waiter brought Mike's order over and asked him if he'd like his pizza cut into 4 or 8 pieces ? Mike said you'd better make it 4 as he couldn't possibly eat 8 .

Slumped in a shop doorway in the High Street on our way home one night after drinking all day we were suddenly confronted by the police. They asked who we were.

Well … we weren't going to give them our real names . I looked up at the shops and said my name is Austin … Austin Reed .

Another lad that was with us at the time looked up and said his name was Mark … Mark Spencer .

When Mike was asked he said it's Ken . Ken what ? asked the policeman .

Oh … Ken Tuckyfriedchicken Mike replied .

Advice

It's now time for me to give Mike some advice:

Mike .… It's always important to get on with the Mother-In-Law …

I didn't speak to mine for the first two years …..… Don't get me wrong .… It's not that I didn't like her ..

I was just too polite to interrupt !

You should remember that :

In the first year of marriage .… The man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year of marriage .… The woman speaks and the man listens.

And from the third year onwards ….They both speak and the neighbours listen !
Finally … For Mike .…

Always try to remember the three very important little words………

You're right dear !

Well now Mike and Fiona have got married ‘ For Better or For worse’

Which is quite appropriate really as Mike couldn't do any better and Fiona couldn't do any worse !

Seriously though … Mike's a very lucky Groom today .. He's married Fiona … She's beautiful …smart …funny … warm and loving and deserves a good husband .

So thank goodness Mike married her before she found one !

I would now like to read a few telegrams received from people that couldn't be here today .

1. To Mike … will miss those nights getting to know each other round the pool .

Best Wishes .… Michael Barrymore

2. To Mike … Little Johnny and me will see you in court you lying son of a
B****

3. To Mike … Can't stop thinking of what might have been
From Tarquin xxx

4. To Fiona … Sorry we couldn't be there today .. But don't you think it's
strange how history repeats itself ? .. 40 years ago your mum put you to bed with a dummy and now the same thing is happening again !

5. And Finally ..… one last one for Mike …

To Mike … We hope you have a great day .

From all of us at Madam Sins Spanking Emporium .
p.s. received your annual subscription renewal cheque with thanks !

I'd now like to tell you the story about Mike and Fiona's first romantic evening together.… They had got close by now and it was too late for Fiona to go home one evening .. and hey … they are both over 18 anyway .

Mike took off his socks and shoes .. he said you must excuse the state of my toes ( they are all twisted and curled )
He said that when he was young he had Toesillitis
Fiona … don't you mean Tonsillitis ?
Mike … no .. Toesillitis … It just affects the toes !

Mike then proceded to take off his trousers

He said you will have to excuse the state of my legs … explaining that when he was young he had Kneesals

Fiona … Kneesals ? Don't you mean Measals ?
Mike … no … Kneesals … It just affects the knees .

Finally Mike took off his under pants

Fiona looked in amazement and after several moments of thought ..
And after firstly questioning whether he was one of those pygmy people or whether he would like her to get a needle and lance the boil he appeared to have..

She said ..… Don't tell me Mike ..…

When you were young .… You had Small Cox … didn't you ?

To Round Off

I would just like to say that Mike pulled a blinder in marrying Fiona . He's found someone that can make him happy … especially as she has a full time job and brings in a good salary.

And Fiona …… you have found ………well you have found Mike !

Now all that's left for me to do Ladies and Gentlemen is to ask you all to rise …and raise your glasses to the new Mr and Mrs *******

To Mike and Fiona ..…