Speech by Colin Rens

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Colin Rens
Speech Date: Oct 2001
(pretend mic not working…)
Obstacals, spectacles, TEST ing testing…
You all ready for a good laugh?
We'll theres a comedian next door if you want to make your way!

Well theres good new and bad news…
Good news is the Bar's open till 1:30am…
The bad news is that I've got to keep the speech short because of my throat
– Suzannes threatened to cut it if I go on to long!

I remember Dave asking me, er, I mean telling me to be his best man, think
it was Christmas day, just as he got into his car and drove off!
I remember thinking ‘thanks very much!’ then I thought, well second time
round should be easier! Boy was I wrong! I can assure you this isn't the
first time today I've rose from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand!

I've begun to think that being asked to be best man is like being asked to
make love to the Queen mother –
It's a great honour..… but you wouldn't really want to do it!

I must of course congratulate the happy couple…on the date they chose for
their wedding, for choosing to have their wedding before the football
season kicks off. – Nice one Dave! (wink)

This morning I asked Father Leary on his thoughts about sex before marriage,
he said he had no problms with it, as long as it didn't hold up the
ceremony!

I was handed a check list this morning for the Best mans duties, so I want
to see how well we've done…

1) Get groom to the wedding on time…makes a change.
2) Make sure grooms hair is nice and short (I've got long hair!) …err..
moving on…
3) Make sure wearing clean underwear…I know I'm your brother but I'm gonna
have to trust you on that one!
4) Make sure sober…hmmm… more or less
5) Keep all angry past female equiantences at bay! …well they were angry
’cause they couldn't hire a big enough hall to CELEBRATE!

School Daze…

Headmasters final report…
-Dave excelled in all subjects esp. Domestic Science…
-was never distractd by girls
-I took it as a sad and personal loss, when David left school, it felt like
saying goodbye to a son!!

Dave, you sure this report is the original one?

Football.

Dave's football coach reported, ‘A keen follower of all things Football,
although David always tries hard, he struggles to perform well in most
positions… well Suzanne, hope that's not a problem now!!!

Stag do.

Well a weekend camping in Bognor Regis may not appeal to most… and it
certainly didn't appeal to Dave! so we hit Amsterdam for a few days…
– the strange people…
– -the weird sites and sounds…
– -the colourfull language and aroma's…
– -and so much water everywhere…

.… And that was just the Hotel room!!!!

Marty, our personal tour guide and one of Hollands finest – showed us around
in grand style
– although I still cant figure out why all these beautiful young woman in
bikinies were trying to sell double glazing in the middle of the night!!!

Few words about Dave,

Sky Diving, Motor racing, Skiing, looks, style,.… If Pierce Brosnan ever
retires, I think we could have the next James Bond…what do you think?

Never forget going on holiday with Dave and his mate ******, I'm not saying
Dave drinks a lot, but when we got back his local pub has ceased trading!
During the holiday I found myself in 1 of 3 states; Asleep, on the toilet or
being sick!!!

The last day we finally got the bottle to get on the Karaoke stage. We
tried to keep it simple, a nice short, simple pop song… as the opening
bars of Bohemian Rhapsody greeted the unsuspecting punters.. it was an
interesting 5 minutes… Lets just say Dave is to Karaoke what ‘piles’ are
to Liecester Pigott!!!

Dave does like his music though…he was a buddng young ‘Acka Bilk’ – before
the usual teenage distractions go the better of him,
If I was to ask Dave now,
to travel with me to Manchester by train,
to walk to the Manchester Apollo, not knowing where it was,
to watch my favourite band, that were in a support slot, for half an hour,
then to run back to the train station,
get back home and miss last orders by 5 minutes
– I would guess the response may not be in the affirmative!, but Dave did
this with me about 14 years ago, and I'll never forget that! Thanks Dave.

Daves also one of George Michaels biggest fans, although even Dave didn't
think too much of his last release- …Although he liked his CD's though!!!
(groans!)

Dave and Suzzane.

Looking at the 2 of you… on one side we have a Hard Woring, Hard
Drinking, Hard Swearing, Fun loving Dog lover…

And on the other…

Dave is a great electricial and Evertonian through and through…!!!

Read some cards

Interject with some made up ones;

‘Dave, we could have been so good together…’ Britney Spears
‘Suzanne, we could have been so good together…’ Martina Navratilova!
‘Sorry I couldn't be there to share your happy day, but I'm otherwise
engaged… ‘ Jeffrey Archer!

Seriously though…

Special days like this don't just happen, they take a lot of organising, a
lot of money! And plenty of Blood, sweat and tears. Can we have a round of
applause for everyone involved, including the staff, and management of
Formby Hall Golf Club… Any chance of half price green fee's?

Wrapping up…

I think there are 3 qualities that really help in life…

1) Don't be afraid of hard work
2) Help your fellow man whenver you can
3) Know how to enjoy yourself!
…and that's what I see all around me today…

Final toast…

Can we all be upstanding, and raise our glasses to David and Suzzane,
Health and Happines always…

Cheers!