Speech by Colin Ross

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Colin Ross
Speech Date: May 1999
Good evening ladies and gentlemen

I trust that you will agree what a perfect day this has been so far. I hope that this day will be the start of even better things to come for Stuart and Lyverne. Contrary to popular opinion, it does get
better all the time!

When Stu first asked me to be the best man, I immediately thought WHY, what have I done wrong? But then I thought about it and realized that I would be there to honour him on this great day. You know someone more philosophical than me once remarked that being asked to be the best man is like being asked to snog the queen mother – it's a great honour but no one really wants to do it.

My knowledge of how weddings work, the procedures to be followed, the etiquette required and especially what the best mans duties are, is almost non-existent! Therefore I had to do a lot of research! All I can say is thank heavens for the internet! What I found out actually scared me half to death. I wrote down some of the finer, choice points as my memory fails me most of the time.

1. HELP STU DRESS (after fetching his clothes from the dry cleaners)
Thanks but no thanks, if Stu cant dress himself by now ………..tsk tsk
sorry Lyverne.

2. ENSURE THE GROOMS FACE AND HAIR ARE IN ORDER – God didn't put them right the first time around, so what hope do I have

3. ENSURE HIS SHOES ARE POLISHED, LACES TIED AND HIS FLY IS UP – I think that maybe his mom should have been the best man!

I first met Stu over 10 yrs ago when we started out at Wits. In those days we were staunch activists, spending our lecture time (and our holidays, mind you) at political rallies, fighting for human rights, trashing the campus cause we didn't get our way and having sit-ins on the library lawns. And in all this time enduring the omnipresence of the SAP with their tear gas! YA RIGHT!!!! We were merely Mens Res FRESHMEN who couldn't care less if one of our comrades gets kicked out of varsity for not
paying their fees!

During that first week of orientation we had to endure getting up at the crack of dawn to go on a tour of the campus and brush our teeth in the fountains while the Sunnyside Freshettes bayed to the moon with their bra's on their heads! We had party after party with all the res's, each night going bigger than the night before. The great carefree orientation week before lectures started – Stu had the last of the really
good orientation weeks at wits.

During our varsity time we had rag parties and float building – although all I could remember from the floatbuilding is the view of the undercarriage of the truck – but lets not go there! Then there were
beerfests and of course PHINEAS week. At all of these occasions copious quantities of hydraulic sandwiches were consumed

But all of this fun and excitement was too much for Stu, so he decided to graduate from varsity, while most of us professional students stayed on, doing a few extra years. Don't you think that he was really selfish leaving us poor students behind? At least the quality of the student body that remained was improved.

The first few years after Stu left varsity, we saw little of him as he set about qualifying. I take my hat off to Stuart's dedication and drive. I know no other person who is willing to sacrifice so much to achieve his goals in life. When he has made up his mind on something, then nothing will deter him, not even the offer of a golf game or even FREE BEER! So Lyverne you really had no chance once Stu set his sights on you. If Stuart applies this dedication and commitment to his marriage (which I know he will), well then Lyverne you are one lucky woman! A pity Stu that you cant use that will power to make your hair grow back!

Stu & I really got to know one another after he qualified – actually when all he really need was someone to play golf with (forget about a good friend). We began playing golf an all Sundays and public holidays
that he had off from work and slowly buiilt up a regular 4-ball. Rob, Warren, Stu & I played regularly together in our undying quest to beat the misbehaving little white BALL around the course a wee bit better than the last outing. One learns a lot about a mans character on the golf course – be careful Lyverne you don't realize that behind that ULTIMATE GENTLEMAN façade lies a temper! Tsk tsk such nasty language.

This brings up the love story that I wrote to demonstrate Stuarts golfing experiences:
I HATE GOLF
I HATE GOLF
I HATE GOLF
GREAT SHOT
I LOVE GOLF, EASY GAME THIS!

Stu and I used to drive up to Zim for the long weekends and over 5 days we would complete 5 rounds of golf and drink 5 cases of beer! What more to life was there? Especially seeing Stuart drunk and babbling.
I must admit though that on most rounds of golf played with THE 4-BALL, the 19th hole became far more important than the preceding 18. In fact I think that the first 18 holes had a significant effect on the quantity consumed at the 19th! But now Stu be careful – you may be the one who has to sleep on the couch afterwards.

Lyverne – WOW, you look absolutely stunning! I truly hope that this will be a day held dearest in your heart for the rest of your life! But you know its funny how history tends to repeats itself.… 30 odd years ago your parents were putting you to sleep with a dummy, and now its happening all over again!

No seriously now Stu you are one hellova lucky man! You married Lyverne today and she is smart, funny, loving, considerate, self confident, caring JEEZ the list just goes on. She really deserves a good husband. Thank god she married you before she found one!

I would like to wish you both a very happy marriage, a wonderful life and an exciting future together and an even better honeymoon, which I am told is the period between "I DO" and "YOU'D BETTER"

Now if everyone present will be upstanding for a toast to the lovely couple:

To Stuart and Lyverne

May God bless your lives with happiness, joy and love and may your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever!