Speech by Colin Steele

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Colin Steele
Speech Date: Aug 2001
INTRO
Good afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen. I'm sure you'll all agree that it's been a fantastic wedding celebration so far……..but every silver lining has its cloud, & I'm yours. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Colin, Danny's cousin.

Before I start, I'd like to say that I've actually been practising my speech in the gay bars of Edinburgh………..(pause for effect)… so apologies to any of you Hamilton boys who've heard it before.

NERVOUS
I'd just like to say that I've been really nervous about doing the speech, in fact, this is about the 10th time today that I've got up off a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand. I think that Danny's been feeling the same way too. After following him into the toilet this morning, I had to pull this out the loo. (brick)

BRIDESMAIDS
Fornication…………..For an occasion like this, I'd like to start traditionally and thank Danny on behalf of the bridesmaids Allison, Lisa & Jacqueline for his kind words. I have to say that they both look absolutely wonderful and have done a great job in performing their duties today.

RESEARCH INTO BEST MAN DUTIES, WEDDING, ETC
When Danny asked me to be his best man, I had to go and find out about such things as the best man's speech & wedding format. I discovered that there are 3 key elements to the wedding service. These are as follows……..…

The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.
The Altar – the place where 2 become 1.
The Hymn – the celebration of the marriage.

I think that Christina may have also been reading the same book because as she was standing next to Danny in church today, I'm sure I heard her saying the words…………
“I'll alter him…I'll alter him!”

Actually, during the service today, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 30 years ago Christina's family were sending her to bed with a dummy……..here they are again today.

I was also surprised to find out that there's actually 3 rings in a marriage..…
There's the engagement ring
There's the wedding ring
And finally, there's the suffer…ring.

DANNY
So what about the good man himself. Danny was born in 1972.I couldn't find any significant world-wide event which happened in this year , apart from the publication of the Mr Men books ( still Danny's favourite I'm told). However, I
had a look at the songs which were number 1 in the charts on this day in history, and was surprised to find the following.

Madonna had a number 1 on this day in history called….(look at Danny)…Like A Virgin.

And Hall & Oats had a number 1 this day in history called ….(look at Christina)….Man-eater.

I'll let you all work out which song applies to who.

TEENS
Danny was not too bad at school, but sport was his passion & something which he excelled in. Most of you will probably know that Danny was a keen golfer when he was younger and actually played for the Scottish & British youth teams.

He never started playing until his teens, but seemed to be a natural as soon as he picked up a club. No one could understand where he got it from. There had never been any golfers in our family before and no one had ever shown him how to play……..in fact, Danny was good at most sports involving his hands.

But where did the boy get such good hand and ball co-ordination from. It wasn't until my auntie Margaret unearthed his collection of adult entertainment mags from beneath his mattress did we realise where the young Mr X was putting in hours of practice to hone his skills.

Going towards the other end of Danny's sporting spectrum, a few of the boys here tonight were telling me earlier that they used to play in the same football team as Danny & they have assured me that he was hopeless in every position…….so Christina, I hope you have better luck with him tonight.

UNI
Moving on to our university years, or the “lost” years as I fondly remember them. Danny and I started X University together. It was there that we both pursued a distinguished career in pubbing, clubbing & partying, while avoiding as many lectures as possible. Danny obviously excelled in his chosen career as the Uni invited him to leave after the first year with a 1st class degree in rocket science. I think that they were quite fond of me as well since they asked me to stay back to repeat the year.

Oh…….that reminds me, if anyone in the hall is feeling sick, worried & uneasy, it's ok, you'll be alright……you've just married Danny.

JOB
After Uni, Danny then spent some time deciding on which direction to take in life ………
living off his parents, social security, & the odd job here or there. Eventually he landed a job at Scottish Power, where I'm told his workmates refer to him as God…….they say he's rarely seen, holier than thou, & it's a bloody miracle if he does anything.
(Get Knoxy to shout out “tell them about the stag do”)

STAG
The stag do, OK, I'm only going to say a few words in order to save the good man's reputation. We all had a great time at the stag do in Newcastle. We did the usual things…..went to see some strippers…..had a few bevvies……went back to see more strippers. I'm not going to say any more other than this…….when the place that we were staying at returned my deposit cheque, they had deducted an amount for a cleaning bill for room 834, the occupant of which shall remain anonymous (look at Danny ). They also sent the following complimentary package to the occupant, and suggested he make use of it in the future. (nappies to Danny)

By the way, if you don't understand the significance of that, then I'm sure the boys who were on the stag will fill you in.

HOW THEY MET
Moving swiftly on to the happy couple. They met across the smoky dancefloor of Motherwell Point night-club, & I don't know how much they had to drink that night but it doesn't seem to have worn off yet. Christina told me that the first time she saw Danny she thought he was handsome from afar, but today she has assured me that she thought he was far from handsome.

Danny knows that it was the luckiest night of his life when he met the lovely Christina. I'm sure you'll all agree that she looks absolutely gorgeous today. Look at her sitting there in her lovely white dress, she's going to have no problems blending in with their kitchen.

Yes she looks one in a million…….Danny, you look your usual…..won in a raffle. No, no, only kidding, you've scrubbed up well.

Incidentally, Danny has told me that he's going to treat his marriage like a game of football. He's going to be fully committed every week, and make sure he scores every Saturday. However, Christina assures me that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury & is definitely the quickest way onto the transfer list.

So here we are 4.5 years later. I can't believe they've done so much together already. Most of you will probably know that they're moving into their new house in a few weeks time, so it looks like they'll have to get practising their DIY skills. Danny, however has assured me that they'll get all the DIY practice they need on their honeymoon…….as they'll be banging and screwing every day.

CARDS
Serious
One from Cyprus.
Serious
One from Australia – Danny we could have been so good together—-from Kylie Minogue, no, no serious
Serious
Wishing your marriage the best of luck, and hoping Christina's a very good………cook., no name on that one.

WORDS OF WISDOM
Before I do the toasts, it's customary to give a few words of wisdom. Not being married myself , I tried to speak to a few happily married couples, but they proved impossible to find, so a few married people offered the following advice.

Marriage is very much like going out for dinner with your mates…first you order what you want, then you see what the other guy has and you wish that you'd ordered that instead.

Never swear at your wife when there's ladies present.

Never go to bed angry……always stay up and argue.

Christina – if you love something, set it free
– if it comes back – it was and always will be yours
– if it never returns, it was never yours to begin with
– if it just sits around, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place…….then you either married it or gave birth to it.

Finally, I'd like to say that although we're cousins, Danny's been more like a brother to me and it's been an honour being his best man today. I'd like to thank both Danny and Christina for asking me to be their best man.

As I said earlier, it's been a fantastic wedding celebration so far and I hope you all enjoy the rest of the evening.

TOAST
It now gives me enormous pleasure to ask you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the bride & groom, the new Mr & Mrs X.

We wish them all the best for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and successful marriage…….Danny & Christina.