Speech by Connor Bradley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Connor Bradley
Speech Date: Jul2007
Thanks J. I had intended to say that I was going to find it hard to top your speech but I don't think there's any need for that now, do you? But he was correct on one thing, N and G, you both do look radiant today and are only outshone by the bride. And the two mothers-in-law.

Before I begin, let me also take this opportunity to say a big thank you to my assistant, M. It was a stipulation for the wedding that the groomsman wasn't allowed to look better than the Best Man today and I'm pleased to say he has accomplished this role admirably. Cheers M on an awesome job! In case you are wondering bridesmaids, he is actually footloose and fianc&#233e-free. And, yes, M, don't worry I will remember to tell them that you are staying in room 213.

On a more serious note, I'd like to ask you all to be patient with me this evening. This is the first time I have spoken at a wedding reception, except obviously during other people's speeches! I promise not to speak for very long because of my throat. K has threatened to slit it if I'm still up here in 10 minutes. Like most best men I'm pretty nervous about these next few minutes and I must confess that I have got a lot riding on it. It didn't help when J took me aside earlier and promised me that if I do a half decent job today, I'll be in the running to be the best man at his next wedding! Right now, I think it's fair to say that we all have something in common. None of us have a clue as to what I'm going to say next. And I'm really not joking there!

Let me take a few moments to discuss the man of the day. The story began on 13th January 1976 – some of you may remember it. – – – K you may live to regret it – – – and for those of you who haven't guessed it, it's the day J was born. I have had the fortune/ misfortune it really depends what way you look at it to have known J since our early schooldays. I can genuinely say that there is nothing I wouldn't do for him and, equally, I know there is nothing he wouldn't do for me – in fact, we have spent our whole lives doing absolutely nothing for each other.

It's fair to say that a man like J only comes along once in a life-time, I'm just sorry that it had to be during my lifetime. I think he's probably best described as the sort of friend whose always around when he needs you. J and I, it must be said, didn't always get on – I remember times when I would call him ‘ginger’, he would call me ‘big ears’, and we would both run home crying. But sure enough, the next day, J would email me from work and we would make up!

I must confess that I don't recall how we actually became good friends.

As we grew up, it was clear we were two very different people. Whatever I did he seemed to do the opposite. I supported Manchester United, he supported Liverpool. I went for blondes, he went for brunettes. I liked females … anyway, you get the picture.

But despite being only a youthful 31, it cannot be denied that J has packed a lot into his life. Part of my duties as best man should be to talk about these many achievements. I'm gonna have to break with tradition and skip that bit because frankly I feel that this would be a pointless exercise. If there is anyone here who doesn't already know about J's escapades playing for his county and the recent additions of the letters PhD to the end of his name, I think it would be much better for all concerned if they just took the time to ask J himself. I have a funny feeling that he will be only too happy to bore them senseless on that front.

Instead, I feel that it is my duty to talk about J’ other main achievement – that of his “pulling powers”. Now, I must admit that I did not intend to do this. I felt, out of respect to K, its better to let sleeping dogs lie. I even rang J himself and informed him of my noble decision but was astonished by his response. “What!!” he said, “but you've got to, that's the whole point of a best man's speech!” Not for the first time in our relationship, I found myself now being bullied by my ginger friend. But, at this moment, another valid point sprang to mind, well if he does want me to talk about them, other then K, who is there to actually talk about? I pointed this out to J as diplomatically as I could. On the other end of the telephone, I sensed a distinct pause, before he uttered the names of two, very glamorous it must be said, females from Belfast. Out of respect for these two girls, I will not even mention their names. In fact, I barely recognized their names! Certainly not in any connection with J. Yet again, I felt the need to point out this minor detail to J who, as only he can, replied, “okay, I mightn't have actually went out with them but I could have if I had of wanted too! Never”, he reminded me, “let the facts get in the way of a good story!”

And I think this very recent example sums J up. Because as anyone who has ever known him, will agree that J is deluded. Right from his early years, J saw himself in a way that no-one else did. J firmly believed that he was Belfast's answer to J Bond. Nothing I nor any of his other well-meaning friends who are here today was ever going to change that. Not only did he seriously believe that he had the charm, physique and style befitting of 007 himself but J was in doubt that there was no lady who could resist these God-given charms that he alone possessed. I must confess that there was one point in my own childhood when I began copying his fashion sense. Luckily, it wasn't long until my own mother grounded me for taking clothes from her wardrobe.

While J did indeed enjoy the company of females, there was one person who he worshipped more. Yes, you guessed it, himself! While most boys his age were out with their mates on a Friday night, J was known to be much more comfortable spending an evening in flexing his muscles in front of the mirror whilst draped only in a hand-towel. As mentioned before, his self-belief in his own sporting and academic ability is also unshakeable. In preparation for this speech, I therefore decided to take the time out and return to his alma mater in Belfast and ask a few of his former teachers for their wise words on this great man before us today. Like a lot of his tests, the results weren't great. Of 15 teachers asked, only one could actually recall him. As I spoke about the big, ginger fella and my own recollection of his exploits on the school's sport's field, this said teacher, after much head-scratching finally replied, “Ah yes him, I think I remember him now. But are you sure his name wasn't Barry!!!”

Maybe Belfast just wasn't big enough for J, we'll never know but what cannot be denied is that J has undoubtedly flourished since leaving his home town. With stints in France, Holland, and even Japan, J has finally arrived today at the place he has always wanted to be. Throughout these many journeys, he has mastered several languages, picking them up with consummate ease. I must confess that I have found that slightly strange as his command of the English language has worried me on more than one occasion. There were a few times during our teenage years when out chasing girls, I really wasn't sure if J had even grasped the meaning of the word “no”, if you get my drift.

And now for the sentimental moment. I'll not deny that this is the part of the speech that I have been dreading the most! I just hope I can carry it off with the necessary sincerity. I actually had to get someone else to write this bit for me! J, I don't have to tell you how lucky you are in the choice that you have made. Far be it from me to give you any tips on married life. You've never listened to a word I've said to you in the past and I can't see you changing now. Just remember one thing, it may only take a couple of words spoken in chapel and you're married. But it only takes a couple of words mumbled in your SLEEP and you're divorced!

K, the bride. Don't worry I've haven't forgotten about you. With you looking like that, how could I? If there was ever going to be one person to bring J into line, I'm so glad that it is you. I and all his friends who are present here today have had many great times with J over the years, but I don't think he has ever been happier than when he's been with you. From the moment he met you in that crowded bar in Edinburgh, he has never looked back, convinced that you are the only one for him. It's easy to see why. K, believe it or not, but I think you've made a wonderful choice for your first husband. If J is half as good a husband to you as he has been a friend to me, then you will have left here a very lucky person. So take good care of him, because just as he is in your heart, your soul mate, he is, in my eyes, a smashing fella. J, well done mate, you have a wonderful wife, which is no more than you deserve.

So to finish, with tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat and a terrible shake in my leg, can I say best of luck to you both. I really am absolutely delighted for the pair of you. I hope you have a long and happy future together. And thank you J, it has really been an honour to be your best man today, and I look forward to speaking at your golden wedding celebrations and, more importantly, to sitting down very shortly. It now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the New Mr &amp Mrs M.

To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple. To the Bride and Groom.

Thank you and enjoy the rest of the day.