Speech by Conor McGrath

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Conor McGrath
Speech Date: May2005
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. I hope you're all enjoying yourselves. I'm sure you'll all agree that everything has gone perfectly so far. Well I'm here to change all that. Anyhow,, I'm pretty sure that all of you who can understand me, already know who I am, so firstly I'm going to take a few moments to introduce myself to all of those who don't know me or for why I'm here, for that matter.

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls. First of all I'd like to introduce myself to all of those who don't know me. I'm Conor, John's and now Maria's brother-in-law and I have the pleasure of being John's Best Man today. I'm told that this is not traditional in Spain so I'll briefly explain a little bit about the tradition and history of the Best Man. The idea originates from the days when a man would literally kidnap his bride. When her family came rushing to rescue her, the best man was there ready to help out in a fight, both on the flight away from her home and at the service, should they decide to try and take her back. As you can see from my physique, this is obviously the reason that John has chosen me. But seriously, anybody who knows John and Maria as a couple, knows that there will be no need for my bodyguard skills as it's clear that nothing could come between these two. Nowadays, it is the job of the Best Man to help the groom and bride in any way he can, both before the Wedding Day and throughout the course of wedding day. My other big duty is to give this speech. Now normally, that would be hard enough, but to try to give a speech in both Spanish and English, when my knowledge of the Spanish language is about as good as David Beckham's, makes me very nervous indeed. So you will have to excuse any mistakes and mispronunciations that I make a good rule is that if you have no idea what I'm saying, just laugh heartily and pretend I said something very funny indeed. See, the only good thing about the Spanish part of my speech is that most no, in fact all of these Guerries won't understand a word I say. And it is very important to make them think I'm doing a good job so that they will buy me many drinks later to congratulate me.

Hi guys, hope you're all sitting comfortably. I was just explaining the role of the Best Man to the Spanish guests as it's not traditional to have a Best Man in Spanish Weddings or at least according to Maria it's not, which probably means that it's perfectly normal, and they're all looking at me wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Anyhow, I better get a move on as I don't want to keep you here all day.

Well firstly I'd like to echo John's sentiments in welcoming you all here today, to help John &amp Maria celebrate their big day. It's great to see so many familiar faces and so many new faces too. I think it is a credit to John and Maria that so many friends and family have made the effort to travel all this way to be here with them today. Personally I'm delighted that Auntie May is here as no Thornton wedding would be the same without her. May, I trust you've left a slot on your dance card for later.

Well firstly I'd like to echo John's sentiments in welcoming you all here today, to help John &amp Maria celebrate their big day. It's great to see so many familiar faces and so many new faces too. I think it is a credit to John and Maria that so many friends and family have made the effort to travel all this way to be here with them today. I know that you have not had to travel quite as far as the Irish guests but I'm sure if the wedding was in Dublin you all would have made the journey to celebrate John and Maria's special occasion. I'm also sure we would not have had the magnificent weather we've had here today, so I for one am delighted they chose to celebrate their marriage in this beautiful city.

Next, on behalf of Sylvia, I'd like to thank John for his kind words. She really does look absolutely stunning today and as I'm sure you all agree has done a fantastic job today. I'd also like to warn you Sylvia of another tradition it is the pleasure of the Best Man me to have the honour of his first dance with the Chief Bridesmaid you. Unfortunately for you, my dancing is even worse than my Spanish, so I'd like to apologize in advance for any damage to your shoes/feet.

Next, on behalf of Sylvia, I'd like to thank John for his kind words. She really does look absolutely stunning today and as I'm sure you all agree she has done a fantastic job today.

Right, well that's the formalities out of the way. So, why am I here again? Oh yeah, to let you all know what John is really like.

Well, we'll get to that in a minute.

Oh, by the way, whoever's running the book on the length of this speech I want 50 quid on it lasting 43 minutes. Only kidding.

Now, when John asked me to be his Best Man, I was initially thrilled with the prospect, but it's not until after the time when it comes to writing the dreaded speech that you start to get that nervous feeling of standing in front of so many people and saying a few words. In fact it would have been bad enough trying to write a speech in English only, but to try and write a speech in both English and Spanish….let's just say I'm a little bit nervous and worried to how it will work out. But myself aside, I'm sure there's another person here today who probably feels nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead…..I must say, Maria is sure hiding it well.

Moving on, I must tell you that I have never been a Best Man before, so when I did sit down to prepare this speech I thought the simplest way to put the speech together was to get one from the Internet. Whilst there were many excellent ones available, far better than this one will be I simply could not find one about a couple called John and Maria. Unfortunately for you, I had to do one of my own.

Now earlier on, I briefly told you what my duties as the Best Man were. When preparing for today, I was told it was very important to make a list for myself so that I wouldn't forget anything. So here's a quick rundown through my checklist.

1.Arrange Stag Weekend…..Done, I think. Em, No, actually I can't remember.
2.Bring credit card and money for any payments that the groom forgets to take care of…..That doesn't mean all the drinks are on me by the way.
3.Make sure the groom is properly dressed…..Done, but I'm a bit disappointed he copied my outfit.
4.Ensure the groom has used the toilet before the ceremony…..Well I think we can safely say that John has used the toilet this morning….frequently.
5.Check his face and hair are in order…..I did my best, I swear.

OK, moving on, I feel I better let you all know what John is really like as a lot of you won't know too much about him. When I first met him he was cocky, loud, smart, rude and foul-mouthed. It's good to know that some things never change. No really, I'd like to share with you some of John's good points. John is loving, caring, fun, witty, good lo…look…sorry Maria, I can't read your handwriting. Well, once Maria believes these things that's all that matters really.

At this time I would like to say a few words about Maria's family. It would be quite common, for the Best Man not to have met the Bride's family prior to the wedding, but I've had the pleasure of meeting Maria's parents, Vicente and Marie Carmen, Sylvia and Javi on a number of occasions already. It was during these meetings that I can see why it is that Maria is such a wonderful person. Maria's family are loud and energetic and simply love to have fun. It's no wonder that she has fitted in to John's life so well. Even with the language barrier, these are people who you can sit down to dinner with and spend the entire time in fits of laughter. For your kindness and hospitality, I would like to thank you, but more importantly, I would like to thank you for raising such a wonderful daughter. Maria often likes to call herself the ‘bellybutton’ which in English just sounds strange Dunnser, this is some Spanish saying that loosely translates to the belle of the ball, any ideas? but I know for a fact that she is John's bellybutton. John is a wonderful person in his own right, but it is when he is with Maria that he really shines, so it is with great pleasure that I can now look at them sittting here as husband and wife.

I better get on and say a few words in English before the other guests fall asleep, but before I do, it is customary for the Best Man to say a few wise words to the happy couple. So, firstly a piece of advice for the Bride..… Maria, remember that men are like fine wine, they start off like grapes and it's your job to relentlessly stamp on them until they turn into something that you would like to have dinner with. And for the Groom, well I could say anything as he won't understand a word of what I say, but anyway…..John, you must set out the ground rules and establish who's boss, then do exactly what Maria says.

Well I suppose I better talk about the man of the moment. I've known John for quite a long time. In fact I knew John even before I knew John's sister, my wife, Tara oh yeah, doesn't she look especially gorgeous today. My first run in with John was when I was probably about 14 or 15. Me and my mates were taking on John and his mates in a ‘grudge’ basketball match. Now our team comprised of one good basketball player, three others who had never played the game before, but were the sporty type who would try their hand at any sport and finally ‘the tank’ Wayne. John's team on the other hand, comprised five pretty handy basketball players who all played regularly. In fact, a few of their team are here today. Well as it turned out, John had took it on himself to mark me out of the game and had proceeded to reject pretty much every shot I took not very difficult considering I was probably 5ft nothing at the time – I was a late grower. Anyhow, on yet another rejection and foul, by the way, followed by the words ‘get out’ true NBA style I exploded with rage and went to floor him. In a sudden flash of clarity, I saw a girl on the sideline who was unmistakably John's sister and thought to myself that she was pretty hot and that some day I might marry her and eventually might become best mates with this, my future brother-in-law I quickly saw the enormity of the situation and stopped short of connecting with the blow. To this day, John will tell you I swung and missed, but to be fair to him it was hard to see what was actually happening as he was cowering on the ground in fear. For the record we went on to win the game and the series 3-0.

Obviously when I did eventually start going out with Tara I saw alot more of John and started to see past the cocky, loud, smart, foul-mouthed lad that he was and saw him for what he really was – cocky, loud, smart and foul-mouthed. But, whilst I found that John had all these ‘qualities’ in abundance, I realised that these were the things that made him a genuinely great guy and our friendship started from there. Soon after this, I worked with John for a summer and truly began to appreciate what a good guy he really was. He was confident, generous, funny and the type of person who always got the job done but always with a laugh and a joke.

Now there comes a time in every Best Man's preparations when he has to decide whether or not to mention the ex-girlfriends. Thankfully, I did not have to dwell on this for too long as when I thought back, John simply didn't have any serious relationships with anyone else before Maria, unless of course you count Eimear McDonald, who was John's life long best friend until he found out that she was in fact a she. I don't know if this was the reason, but throughout John's teenage years he simply wasn't interested in going out with girls. In fact he and his friends spent an inordinate amount of time ‘hanging out’ in John's garage. Some people began asking questions as to the amount of time John and his mates were spending ‘together’ in the garage and their general lack of desire to face the outside world, but I knew it was as a result of the humiliating basketball defeat they had experienced years earlier. But time was passing by and just when I even started to get a little worried, something huge happened to change John's life for ever. Maria came to Ireland.

Maria first came to Ireland as an au pair and came to live with the Thornton's in an effort to learn more English. Now that wouldn't have been hard, as no word of a lie…..I'm convinced Maria came to Ireland with one word of English……YES! Everything we said to Maria in the first few days she nodded convincingly and said yes to. As it transpired, she had no idea what any of us were saying. Luckily for John he asked her out on a date before she could learn anymore words, and that is where this whole story began. I'm pretty sure that, there was an instant attraction from the very first time they met. At first, John and Maria kept their fast blossoming relationship quiet, but I remember a few weeks after Maria had arrived, John happened to be away on business, and Tara jokingly asked Maria if she missed John. We were both surprised when Maria said that she did, and I quote ‘like the deserts miss the rain’. It was then that we twigged that there was something going on. John spent less and less time in the garage that summer and thanks to Maria, more and more time in the real world. When it was time for Maria to go back to Spain, it was clear that John had fallen madly in love for the first time ever.

Now before I say a few quick words about the bride, I'd like to read out some of the cards John and Maria have received:-

Now it would be unfair to Maria to leave this whole speech about John, so I'd just like to say a few quick words about the bride. Firstly she looks amazing today, in fact I'd even go as far as to say she looks explosive!!! Now that may sound a little strange but there is a little story to go with it. Soon after John and Maria moved into their new house John was chatting to a neighbour from down the road, when the neighbour said something about a cute girl in a red BMW. John realised he was talking about Maria and had a good laugh with the neighbour. But when John told the story to Maria, she was not happy with being called cute, she told John she wanted people to think she was explosive. Well I think without a shadow of a doubt she has achieved that today. Another thing that I'd like to mention about Maria is how well she has done since moving to Ireland, not least of all, in going to work for Hertz. Maria is one of those people who rarely if ever talks about work outside of work, but she is obviously highly regarded as she has received promotion after promotion. Now I'm pretty sure that this is down to her excellent work ethic and dedication to her job, but I sometimes wonder if there is another reason for her quick rise through the ranks. See, early on in her days at Hertz, a new gym was made available to the employees and Maria decided to avail of its services. Whilst she was running on the treadmill she noticed a cute guy, her words, in one of the mirrors. So trying to look super fit she carried on running for a while until she felt something catching around her feet. She looked down to discover her knickers hitting the treadmill and flying across the room in the general direction of the guy. I can't help but think that throwing her knickers at the male members of staff has only helped Maria's rise through the ranks. Ladies and Gentlemen, doesn't she make a wonderful blushing bride.

Now it is my firm belief that John is an extremely lucky man to be marrying Maria, she is a truly wonderful person who deserves a fantastic husband…..I'd like to congratulate John on getting in there before she met one. On a more serious note though, there are not many Best Men who can describe not only the Groom but also the Bride as a great friend. On behalf of myself and Tara, I'd like to thank the two of you for being the best friends we could ever wish for.

Nearly there!

I'm told that at this point I'm supposed to give some advice on married life and what lies ahead. Now, I don't know if I'm the best person for this job as I've only been married once, so far, but I will pass on one little thought that someone said to me on the run up to my wedding – “you don't marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them”.

To wrap up, I'd like to thank you all for coming and for listening and making this day even more special. Enjoy the rest of the evening.

To wrap up, I'd like to thank you all for coming and for listening and making this day even more special. Enjoy the rest of the evening.

To the Hotel and everyone who has helped put this wonderful day together a huge thank you.

John, it has been an honour to be your Best Man.

And so finally:

Here's to love, laughter
And happily ever after.
As John and Maria start their new life,
Please stand and toast the new husband and wife.

Please now can you all stand and join me in a toast to the happy couple.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Ladies and Gentlemen….…

…..the Bride and Groom, the Bride and Groom.