Speech by Craig Butler

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Craig Butler
Speech Date: aug2002
Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who don't know me I am Craig and I am Paul's brother and have the privilege today of being his best man.

Being asked to be a best man is a bit a like being asked to make love to the Queen for her Golden jubilee. It's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it.

I've been a little nervous about my duties and especially the speech so I bought myself a book entitled ‘How to be the best man’. In the speech chapter it said that a good speech should last as long as it takes the groom to make love so I only have to talk for 30 seconds.
I also wanted some advice on my main tasks coming up to the wedding and for today.
The book suggests that on the weekend of the wedding, as best man, I
must concentrate on four key tasks.
Task 1) Bring a cheque book or credit card for those payments that the
groom may have forgotten. No problems there. (Show chequebook)
Task 2) On the night before the wedding, make sure the Groom is well
looked after and gets a good nights sleep. I am proud to be able to report that Paul was tucked up in bed at 10.30 last night and slept like a baby. He wet the bed twice and woke every thirty minutes, crying for his mother.
Task 3) Help the groom dress. A tricky one this given the size of him but you would have thought that a man of 30 would be able to accomplish this simple task himself And finally.
Task 4) Make sure all of the Grooms ex-girlfriends are kept at bay. One of my easiest tasks ever given that most of them were put down during the foot and mouth crisis.
I remember when Paul and Claire first met on the August bank holiday back in 1997. Claire was sitting with her friends in the Old George when she saw a broad-shouldered, smartly dressed, square-jawed hunk standing across the room. Unfortunately he left and a broad-shouldered, pot-bellied, double-chinned Paul arrived dressed in an orange towel. Paul had been out on an all day drinking bender, as usual, when he spotted Claire and approached her with his usual charm, wit and sophistication – something like ‘Get yer coat, you've pulled’.
After that first lucky meeting Paul couldn't stop talking about her and was very lucky to survive those first few weeks without being beaten unconscious by the rest of the family.
But Paul hasn't always been so lucky. This is the man who once put his hand through a window while trying to paint it, who fell through the roof of a shed while trying to fix it and almost got squashed by a truck while trying to load it. And not forgetting the curly-perm hair-do he so proudly wore when he was younger.
I think I know Paul very well and I know he has been looking forward to this weekend immensely. He's been excited and nervous rolled in to one and he couldn't stop talking about it last night in the pub. How it would go, who would be there. But enough about the World Cup, I'm here to talk about the wedding.
But seriously though, he has been looking forward to today and has done a lot of preparing to make sure he looked good for the day. Last week he went out and got himself a hair-cut trying to make the thumb print a little less obvious, on Thursday we picked up these fantastic suits with these snazzy waistcoats, bought new shoes and even went to the trouble of wearing a mud pack on his face on Wednesday night. He tried to wax his legs too but couldn't stand the pain.
I did plan on telling some stories about the 2 stag nights he had in Edinburgh and South Shields but for some reason I can't seem to remember anything after reaching the first bar. I'm sure I enjoyed it though.
On a more serious note, I'd like to offer my sincere congratulations to the bride and groom. I was honoured to be asked to be Paul's best man and I'd like to thank him for being a great brother over the years. He's a very lucky man to be marrying someone so beautiful, smart, funny and caring as Claire who, I'm sure you'll all agree, looks wonderful today. She deserves a good husband, and Paul you should thank God you got to her before she found one.
On behalf of the bride and groom I'd like to thank you for sharing their day and now it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to once again stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Paul and Claire because I think they were made for each other. So here's to the bride and groom's future happiness – to Paul & Claire.