Speech by Craig Campbell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Craig Campbell
Speech Date: apr 2003
Firstly on behalf of Fiona I'd like to thank Mark for his kind sentiments. I
also need to apologise to you in advance for stepping all over your feet
during the first waltz. I think it's worth a special mention for the two
Amies, Megan and Scott for their contribution today, they look fantastic and
they've given one or two of the adults a lesson on how to behave in Church.
I think you'll all agree everyone looks brilliant, and all have contributed
in making today such a happy and at times quite emotional occasion. – In
fact, I notice on the way up to the to table there that even the cake is in
tiers…
You'll need to bear with me that's about as good as they get…
Anyway, now that the niceties are out of the way, as you know one of my
duties as best man is to say one or two kind words about Mark here. I think
if you listen carefully you may pick up one or two but the rest of the
speech will basically be a total panning… It'll be 8 years in August since
Mark ripped my character to shreds as my best man when I married Elaine. I
was thinking about this recently and.… Elaine might disagree with this by
the way… but my marriage has been and is a real success, so I've gone all
superstitious and decided that if the best man rips into the groom in his
speech, then the marriage will be a surefire guaranteed success. So bare in
mind Mark, anything I'm going to say about you is not designed to get cheap
laughs at your expense…
I'm just doing it for the good of your marriage mate…
No needs to thank me just get me a pint later… (Becks will do)
I did a bit of research into my speech and spoke to a few people that had
done this before and I kept hearing the same anecdotes over and over… Kind
of Best Man speech cliches. Then I thought most people here today will have
been at several weddings before, the chances are they'll have heard them all
before so I should really avoid this. None of them really made any sense to
me anyway…For instance (read)
"It is the best man's responsibility to get the groom to the church, smart
sober and on time" (look up and shrug shoulders). Well if you know me you'll
agree, that's just crazy talk..…
There's also a story from a wedding where there was a priest and a minister
present.
When they brought the drinks round for the toast, the minister said " i'll
have a large whisky ".
The priest was outraged when he heard this and said," No alcohol for me i'd
rather go with a scarlet woman "
so the minister put his drink back and said " sorry i didn't know there was
a choice. "
Anyway I did say I was going to avoid these, so I'll move on to Mark…
I've known him for about 20 years now and yes, way back in the early
eighties, his hair was gray then as well. Just a different style from
today… Isn't that right helmet.
When he was younger he was a really good-looking boy always smart and well
turned out. Those of you who haven't known him that long will find this hard
to believe but it's true. It's no coincidence by the way, that he started
going downhill when he left home, that's when his mum stopped dressing him
and combing his hair.… He'd have been about 24 then..…
Anyway his looks made him always popular with the girls and, attracted a
fair bit of jealousy from boys. This meant that as his friend, school life
consisted of getting absolutely no attention from the opposite sex and
always getting caught up in fights through other boys’ jealousy. I won't go
into specifics but Mark knows what I'm talking about. Anyway despite these
down sides, being Mark's friend at school was something I found very
rewarding…I mean he always had the latest Commodore 64 games and a Snooker
Table in his room, he also had a CD player before they were even invented…
I'm sure Bill & Jannette still rue the day she said to him, "Why don't you
invite some friends from school round?"…
That was in 1984 and when they moved from Churchill to Beechwood in 1991, we
were still there…
The new owners weren't very happy, but they got used to us eventually…
It wasn't quite as bad as that but we did used to spend a lot of time round
there, especially lunch times from school and needless to say, we were
usually late back in the afternoon. This however, was nothing to do with
computer games or snooker, there was a big mirror in the hall which you had
to walk past on the way out the door and it used to take three of us 10
minutes to drag him away from it..… Did I mention that with his looks came
a certain degree of vanity..…
When he was learning to drive, he struggled with the Mirror Signal Maneuver
thing, with him it was Mirror, Signal, Mirror, Maneuver, Mirror again
He continues this trait to this day, watch him the next time he gets in his
car, he checks that every single silvery hair is in place(actions again),
he's worse than a woman…
I mentioned Bill and Jannete there, I asked them recently if they had any
embarrassing pictures of Mark as a kid, you know the kind of thing running
about the garden naked or something, but they didn't come up with anything.
I then had a think to see if I could think of anything and suddenly
remembered a boys holiday in Tenerife several years back. I have no idea how
this came about but there were pictures of him lying in a drunken stupor on
the floor,… naked,.… with a slice of ham on each buttock. Actually I
think it may have been Chris there following is holiday tradition of
devising novel new methods of making toasties without the use of a Breville
sandwich maker. Anyway fortunately for everyone here today (especially the
children), I didn't manage to track the picture down. Conspiracy theorists
might be thinking just now that his Mum or Wilma had something to do with
the its disappearance, but ehhh……..… nah judging by their expressions,
this is the first they've heard of it.
Where does that take me to…… ah yes Mark and drink……
We used to call him ‘one can Dan’ when we first started going to pubs,
because of his inability to hold his drink. Since then though 15 years of
liquid lunches with Abbey National have taken their toll and these days he's
more of a 7 or 8 pinter. I also heard that was how Wilma described him to
her pals in work before they got together..…
Of course after this she actually drank 7 or 8 pints at a works night out,
saw Mark, found him mildly attractive and that was the start of a long
journey that has eventually brought us all here today
I promised Wilma, she would escape untouched from my speech, (she's been
pestering me for months about how she's always been nice to me) but I do
need to bring her in at this point… Wilma shares my sad passion for
eighties music and therefore is a bit of an anorak on the subject, so I
thought I'd set her a little test… (Before I do, can I just ask some of
the boys to distribute the envelopes that I gave you earlier, and can I ask
you all to keep them sealed for a couple of minutes)
So Wilma, just a quick quiz, Can you tell me who sang the summer number 1
from 1988, "Nothing's gonna change my love for you" ?
That's right Glen Medeiros told you she was good ..
Or at least that's what he used to call himself, but in fact, Glen Madeiros
and Mark here are one in the same person and if you now open the envelopes
you have I think you'll find it's conclusive.
It's a secret he's kept all these years that I'm sorry mate just had to be
revealed here today.…
The reason he didn't use his real name back then as he couldn't decide
between a career in music or Financial Services. And has anyone heard of
Glen Medeiros since? No because he chose the latter.
This moves me nicely onto Mark's career path with Abbey National, Mark
joined the company from school when it was Scottish Mutual and it has played
a big part in his life since, not least because this is where he met Wilma.
I've been speaking to a few of his closest colleagues in recent months to
get a bit of a flavour for how the last 15 years or so have gone for him
professionally, and the general consensus is that he's been completely
useless in every position he's been in… So Wilma here's hoping you have
better luck on the honeymoon…
At this point I was going to mention some more embarrassing stories relating
to his work, which I was going to obtain from work mates at the stag
weekend., but I checked the notes I made and all I had written down was Beer
Can and Suggs. I'll not go too deeply into this, only to say that Beer Can
is Jamaican for Bacon Wilma you'll know this after your encounter with some
Jamaican looking gents in Edinburgh…..(Sorry was I not supposed to mention
that)
And that Suggs enjoyed a few drinks with us in London..…
Well maybe enjoyed isn't the right word but he was there anyway.
I am ashamed to admit at this point that the reason for the lack of stories
is my own inability to handle drink. In fact on the Friday night the roles
were reversed, Mark had to make sure I got home to bed safely instead of the
other way round. (Comedy Drunk, I believe is how I'm now known) But as I
said, he is a hardened drinker these days so it's no real shame on my part.
The one story I do remember is a bit of a classic. In his early years with
Scottish Mutual, every time there was a work night out everyone seemed to
walk on eggshells around him when it came to ordering his drinks from the
bar. He always thought this a bit strange but never really questioned it
until eventually after several months he asked someone and discovered that
at a previous night out, whilst completely blotto, he had confessed to only
having one kidney. This story got about and of course people were extremely
worried about Mark drinking alcohol in his condition. The story was of
course a complete fabrication and really just a poor attempt by Mark to
explain his appalling ability to hold his drink that I alluded to earlier.
There was some other stories told of him, but Marked denied everything and I
can't remember anything, which is probably just as well, I don't want him
getting into trouble from his mum over things he didn't do, it'll be bad
enough as it is with the things he did.
Anyway, if I could just be a bit serious for a moment, it really is my
genuine pleasure to be standing here today speaking about Mark on his
wedding day… and not just for the purpose of revenge. The fact that he has
found Wilma makes it the perfect match, they are both down to earth, funny,
laid back, and the most loyal and true friends anyone could hope for. And I
do consider it an honour as everyone here should to count myself as a friend
to both of them. So can I ask you all to raise your glasses to Bishopton's
answer to Posh and Becks.… Ladies and Gentlemen Mark and Wilma…