Speech by Craig Leonard

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Craig Leonard
Speech Date: sep 2003
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. Before I begin the speech, and on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Darren for his kind words. I'm sure you'll agree that they have done a wonderful job today.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Craig and Im a man of few words (sit down)

(stand up)

Seriously though, I was worried about how long the speech should be, but Ive been told that it should only last as long as the grooms lovemaking. (sit down again)

(stand up)

As well as being a man of few words, I've never had to speak in public before. And, unfortunately, I'm sure I will prove to you all today. And now that I'm actually stood in front of you all, I can't actually think of anything to say. Darren, I wish you were more interesting mate. Actually, I knew that I was going to be nervous today so I looked into it, and apparently the best way to calm your nerves when delivering a speech is to imagine your audience naked. (Wink at Carol). Seriously though, if there is one person here today who's nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably the bride.

When Darren asked me to be best man it was, of course an honour, but also a surprise as I only met him about 7 years ago. Therefore, I'm afraid I don't know much about Darren's childhood or teenage years, so I've had to rely on Darren to fill me in about his past. Apparently, being a child prodigy didn't really affect his ability to attract the ladies and being voted the sexiest man at Oxford is not all its cracked up to be. I, unfortunately, missed those exciting stages of Darren's life and met him at work. And I can tell you that watching Darren at work was like watching a God – he makes up all his own rules, never speaks to anyone and any work he does is a miracle. Since then, we've spent many a drunken night in Ryhill, usually ending in redecorating his parent's toilet, bathroom and garden path with our own colourful mix of beer, kebab and whatever else happened to be in our stomach that night. And seeing as this is my speech and the groom can't butt in – Sue and Ken, it was all Darren.

If I were to recite many stories about the times we spent together you may be led to believe that Darren is nothing but a lager lout who likes nothing more than to drink himself into oblivion and amuse his mates by making a complete fool of himself. And you would be right, so I might as well.

There is one occasion that holds a certain amount of irony today. Following a particularly heavy drinking session in the local pub, Darren decided to call it a night. Upon arriving at his house, he found that the doors were locked as his parents were still out (I don't know if the fact that Darren's parents can outdrink him is detrimental to them or Darren). Not being deterred by this, he then proceeded to break the door down and retire to bed. And therein lies the irony; when you were single, you were breaking down doors to escape the beer; now you're married you're going to be breaking down doors to get to it.

In preparation for today, I did a little bit of research and according to tradition I'm supposed to sing the grooms praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I can't sing and I won't lie. I can say, however, that Darren has been a great friend to me and I'm sure he will make a great husband to Leander. And the say that the key to a happy marriage is all about love, sharing and teamwork, which is great because when Darren drinks Leander drives, when Leander cooks Darren eats, and when Darren makes a mess Leander cleans it up. And they also say that marriage is for better and for worse. Which is good because Darren couldn't have done any better and Leander couldn't have done any worse. I have already pointed out to Darren the importance of this day. I said “Darren mate, many years from now when youre an old man sitting in your rocking chair smoking your pipe, with the grandkids running around stealing your Wurthers, you're gonna look back at this day as the happiest moment in your life”. Oh, wait a minute – I actually said that last Saturday after Liverpool had scored 3 goals against Everton.

I'm supposed to give the groom a little bit of advice on married life. This I found difficult as I'm not married myself, but after asking around it seems that the most important rule in ensuring you have a happy marriage is simply to remember who's boss. And never answer her back.

Joking aside, I'm sure you will agree that Darren is marrying a truly beautiful woman (how he managed it still baffles me), and one who I'm sure will make him very happy.

Now, Id just like to read out some cards from people who couldn't make it here today.

{Read out some genuine cards}

"Darren, I really enjoyed our poolside chat the other day. Although I am disappointed, I hope you are happy in your decision to go ahead with the wedding" – Michael Barrymore

{Read out some genuine cards}

And now, it is my honour, and relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Darren and Leander – Mr. and Mrs. Wainwright. We wish you all the best for the future and hope you enjoy a long and happy marriage. To Darren and Leander