Speech by Craig MacLean

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Craig MacLean
Speech Date: Aug2004
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Craig and it is my responsibility today in my capacity as best man to ensure that by the time I sit down again everyone in the room thinks the groom is a complete idiot…and Russel…if that does happen then I only deserve half the credit, because I know for a fact your friends and family think that already.

Before I proceed to the crux of my speech which you will all be delighted to know is a ruthless character assassination I would like to take this opportunity to thank the groom on behalf of all those whom he favoured with compliments during his speech.

In particular, I feel compelled to respond to the kind words he extended to the bridesmaids – if only to say that they were fully justified. Surely you will all agree that they have done an incredible job and look absolutely stunning, and are possibly only eclipsed by the bride herself.

Now although this speech obviously marks the culmination of my official duties I think it's worth mentioning a service I performed specifically for Emma, who asked me to guarantee that the groom was in bed at a reasonable hour yesterday in an effort to ensure that he looked and felt fresh for his obligations today… I am therefore pleased to announce that Russel slept like a baby last night. Unfortunately, by that I mean he wet the bed.

At this point I would like to honour a promise made to Ian and Christine the groom's long suffering parents who requested that I talk briefly about just how adorable Russel was as a child. So ladies and gentlemen, if you'll indulge me…

I'd like to take you back to the 12th of July 1980, the cold Saturday morning on which Russel John McLean Sampson opened his eyes for the first time. Whilst the proud mother and father took turns to cradle their beautiful baby boy in their arms, his sisters Lyndsey and Louise watched quietly with warm smiles on their faces, realising that their little brother had already secured a special place in their hearts.

Or at least that's how his family choose to remember it – because I have to confess that I wasn't entirely satisfied with her account and conducted some private research into what really happened that fateful day. Sadly, the evidence I compiled is far less complimentary – in fact I think all I need to say is that the next issue of The Dundee Courier included a front page photograph of mother and child under the heading ‘Local woman gives birth to monkey’

Sorry Christine – that was probably a bit cruel. However, allow me to make amends by highlighting just how much your son has developed since then.
What I mean to say is that when he was born he was just a useless ball of flesh with an insatiable appetite, chronic flatulence and no hair…and now look at him…he's……

At this stage it now seems appropriate to mention how the groom and I first met…primarily because I believe this one incident reveals more about Russel's unique personality and his, shall we say &quotunorthodox&quot, personal habits than many hours of further testimony could…

The more optimistic amongst you may perhaps entertain hopes that we met in a debating society, forging strong bonds via shared political and altruistic inclinations. Alas ladies and gentlemen, those noble hopes are in vain – the simple truth is that Russel announced his presence in my life during Mr Higgins’ history class on the first day of secondary school when…seating himself beside me on an adjacent chair, he slowly angled his body in my general direction, flashed me a suspicious smile, and farted on my hand.

Despite this rather disturbing introduction I soon came to recognise that Russel's heart was in the right place, even if his bowels weren't…..and we soon became firm friends.

In fact, it wasn't long before I as a trusted companion had to nurse him through his first schoolboy crush…..as he had quickly developed an infatuation with one of our teachers. Now Russel, I know you still harbour hopes that it could have worked out, but it was never destined to be, because as I told you at the time…Mr. Davidson was a happily married man.

I would obviously be derelict in my duty if I failed to mention that this early rejection clearly influenced Russel's taste in women – because for the next 10 years, until Emma thankfully broke the spell, he consoled himself with a series of girlfriends that bore an uncanny resemblance to his first forbidden love. You'll probably appreciate what I am suggesting about the calibre of these women when I tell you that Mr. Davidson was actually 58…..and had a beard.

Of course it would be irresponsible of me to imply that Russel spent all of his youth chasing after stubbly women – because he was usually too drunk to chase after anything at all.

Unfortunately, I can't provide specific details of Russel's early alcohol-related misdemeanours because I also participated in most of the incriminating events and therefore if I disclosed any of the groom's antics I would implicate myself – and I don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation. However, I would not be giving the groom the credit he deserves if I failed to mention that the lack of any scandal can also be attributed to the fact that he is in general a decent, considerate, law-abiding citizen…..or at least he was until the stag night.

Now for the benefit of those here today who have no idea what actually happened that night and believe me Russel falls into that category I should tell you that the climax of the evening featured a dominatrix stripper, who insisted on dragging the groom up on stage in a packed pub in an attempt to make his last few days as a bachelor as humiliating as possible.

However…..it soon became rather obvious that Russel actually enjoyed grovelling on his knees, pandering to his master's every command…which obviously bodes well for married life. In fact, Mistress Whiplash was so pleased with his obedience that as a reward she saw fit to teach him a number of rather dubious new tricks – most notably the ability to smoke a cigar without using his mouth.

The good news for Russel is that I am prevented from mentioning any of the more controversial events that followed by my own sense of decorum and the fact that Emma threatened to castrate me if I did. The bad news for Russel is that I don't really need to… because Richard has photographs!

So those members of the audience who are willing to pay a subscription fee and Rich has assured me that a pint of Carling will be more than
sufficient can see those harrowing images directly after my speech.
However, the more patient among you may be interested to note that you can also see them for free……on this week's Crimewatch.

By this stage I had hoped that my graphic testimony may have convinced you that the groom was little more than a heartless …..depraved…..lout.
However, he ruined that illusion by crying during the wedding ceremony, since his tears betrayed the fact that actually just a big softie at heart.

However Russel, you needn't feel too embarrassed because you certainly weren't the only male to be overcome with emotion today. In fact, I myself spent a good few minutes huddled in a corner weeping uncontrollably…but in my defence I had just seen the bar prices.

Fortunately, the groom's father witnessed my predicament and after some furious negotiations we came to the agreement that he would buy me drinks all night if I was willing to say a few nice things about his son. So ladies and gentlemen, rest assured that the following nauseating compliments actually say more about my love of alcohol than they do about my love of Russel.

You are, without question, one of the most dependable and genuine people I have ever had the good fortune to meet – you possess integrity and generosity in equal measure, and I can state with all confidence that I know of no one so willing to go out of his own way to help others. In short, you're one in a million mate and you fully deserve the happiness that is now destined to come your way.

So Emma, I want you to promise to take good care of Russel, because he's been like a brother to me…..admittedly the sort of brother you keep locked in the basement and don't refer to in polite conversation…but a brother nevertheless.

Now, whilst I required bribery to perform a tribute to the groom I certainly don't need any persuasion to wax lyrical on the bride's finer qualities.
Emma, you are, quite simply, one of the nicest people I know, blessed with captivating beauty, grace, intelligence and an overflowing kindness.

Of course I should also list the essential virtues that you must obviously possess to be able to cope with Russel – namely patience..…
tolerance…..forgiveness…..and perhaps most importantly…..a love of dumb animals.

Despite my rather frivolous suggestions…it isn't difficult to identify the two elements that really dominate their relationship : purity and simplicity. As the bride is unquestionably pure…and the groom is a bit simple.

Now Emma, although I've spent the majority of my speech ridiculing your new husband and I won't pretend I haven't enjoyed it I hope you appreciate the very real respect and affection I actually have for you both. It has therefore been a great honour to participate in this…..your special day…..and I thank you both, on behalf of all those gathered, for the myriad of memories you have gifted us.

Sadly, not everyone fortunate enough to receive an invitation was able to attend and as a consequence I would like to dedicate the next few moments to reading the telegrams the happy couple have received.

*TELEGRAMS*

When we think back on all that has transpired today those of a more sentimental persuasion may perhaps opt to recall the rustic beauty of the church…..or the love and affection patently evident in the eyes of the bride and groom. However, in my opinion there was another even more remarkable moment …something that convinced even an old cynic like myself that miracles really do happen – the groom's speech…where Russel managed to speak for 5 minutes..without his mother interrupting.

Judging by the rather offensive gestures Christine is making under the table it's probably best if I end my speech there. So, if I could ask you all to please be upstanding…

Raise your glasses to a loving union…
Between a Scottish thistle and his English Rose, What Russel sees in Emma is his heart's completion, What she sees in him, God only knows.

Ladies and gentlemen…the bride and groom.