Speech by Craig McQuiston

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Craig McQuiston
Speech Date: Oct2007
First off I would just like to thank Stewart and Ashley for attending my Best Man's party, I hope they have a vey joyous occasion

This is the part that I have been REALLY looking forward to, but don't worry I know you are all hungry for food wink at biggest women I can see to be served so just like Stuart my speech wont last very long. Before I begin Ashley would you place your hand on the table, Stuart would you place your hand on top of Ashley's?

Good afternoon ladies &amp Gentlemen, for those of you who don't know me. I'm Craig, and its great to be stood up here today as after all these years Stuarts has finally came to the conclusion that I am in fact the best man . . . . .Or at least the best he could get, although I was actually 2nd choice, the first was sacked for being dyslexic, well he did want to have a stag night in a warehouse pause for looks of disgust

Before I undertake the customary duty of giving Stewart an uncomfortable few minutes I would first of all like to start with the traditional bit and thank the bridesmaids Eve, Lori and Tamsin, who look ever so radiant today and have done an excellent job in looking after Ashley. Indeed they are only eclipsed by Ashley herself, who, I'm sure you'll all agree looks absolutely stunning today. And I'm sure you'll agree she looks one in a million, . . . . .were Stuart looks won in a raffle. No really they a great couple, pure &amp simple . . . .Ashley's pure . . . .And Stewarts . . . well . . . you understand

As this is my first nerve racking experience being a best man, I thought I would turn to T'interent for some guidance, during my research on the internet into the best mans role, I found some really interesting stuff and after two hours of further investigation I realised that I still had a speech to prepare, so I looked at the three key elements of the service itself:

The Ailse – It's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Alter – The place where two become one
The Hymm – The celebration of marriage

I think Ashley must have done the same research as myself, because as she walking past me, I'm sure I heard her whispering to herself, Ailse . . .altar . . .hymm, ailse alter hymm, I'll alter him etc . . . .

Other research instructed that the best man is apparently supposed to Grace, so if anyone knows here whereabouts can you let me know cause I haven't seen her all day

Now, I'v known Stewart for the best part, no wait worst part of ten years now, as through our Marr College days I tried to teach him everything to know about the beautiful game football, but unfortunately you cannot teach and old dog new tricks and quite frankly he was useless in every position . . . . .Here's hoping the bride has better luck in this situation

Then from here we both took up part-time employment in this very establishment The Piersland House Hotel. I, myself, throughally progressed through the ranks of pot-washing . . .Or as I prefer to term it Hygiene Technician, and as for Stewart he tended to hover a little bit, from washing pots, to pulling pints, to peeling carrots, to answering the phone and lastly to working as a chambermaid and I guess.. I can only put this down to the uniform that was supplied, Show Chambermaid uniform,well he does have the legs for it, and concluding on his time at the Piersland he was a jack of all trades but unfortunately a master of none.

But I am pleased that he has landed on his feet with a top job at Arnold Clark selling cars, so if your looking to purchase a new car within the next month or two, I would advise not handing over your wedding present until you at least get a half decent discount from him, best of luck with that one

In the lead up to the wedding of course there have been hugely enjoyable Stag and Hen parties. The stag do was a top weekend . . . . .For further details on this adventure I have brought along two well known newspapers so please feel free to have a gander at them later on this evening for the full scoop Graham Miller will be signing autographs later at ٣ each or half price if you happen to female, or if your quick enough just dip his pockets and you'll probably find yourself 㿀0 up, honestly it is that easy

Now as I understand it is tradition, for the Groom to have a drunken time on his stag do and make a fool of himself. Now Stewart done quite a good job of this in Newcastle . . . . .And . . . also a few weeks previous to the stag do where he went for a few &quotquite ones&quot as they call it to the Bruce's Well in Troon and as you do ..vomited on the new floorboards and the stain is still present to this very day, but I believe it has been covered with a rug due to health and safety act, so if the owner is in this evening,,its was this very man here, so please BARR him, as the police don't need another Asbo walking the streets

So it was an evening of drinking, throwing up and sleeping in the toilet cuddled up to the bowl . . . . .Its good to see he has grown up from his school years

But anyway back to THEY official stag do, Stewart was only eclipsed by his father, ..Liz, you may want to make use of these, hand over ear plugs ….who managed to sport quite a fetching blouse for the majority of the weekend and also came out with statements such as &quotAre we going to a lapdancing bar, Christ Iv went and left my laptop at home tae&quot and then further to pursue this case, once in the &quotestablishment&quot, when approached by a fine young scantalled dressed women and after being patted on the head when asked &quotSo would like to go for a dance?&quot Hugh replied &quotSure, I would love to&quot and then started to proceed to take her by the hand to the dance floor for a rendition of the Waltz, obviously there was a generation breakdown with regards to the word dance . . .Ahh the old ins are the best &quotNo pun intended of course Hugh&quot

I'd also like to thank my partners in crime today, the ushers, Stewart's brother Stephen, Stewart's golfing buddy Richard, Stewarts's drinking colleague Stephen, and finally Stewart's ex-boyfriend Andy, if you don't know who they are just look for the guys with L and R on the palm of their hands. We did ask that they make sure they arrive today clean and sober and I'm pleased that they at least got half of it right. It was also a stipulation that they couldn't look better than the best man, so thanks again guys yourv done an awesome job

Now in case any of you are wondering why I asked Stuart to place his hand on Ashley's, I will tell you now, Stewart as my final role, it is a great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last 10 minutes in which you have had the upper hand on Ashley. It will almost certainly be the last

And last but not least a final thank you, to the bride and grooms parents, Mr &amp Mrs McKergow and Mr and Mrs Sellers . . . . . .Because without there night-time antics many moons ago none of us would be getting a free dinner and complimentary booze today

And finally, there seems to be some confusion as to where Stewart and Ashley are going on their honeymoon. I thought, perhaps like many of you they were off to the sunny climbs of Mexico but now I'm not too sure. After speaking to Stewart just before we sat down, I think they're looking at venturing to the North of Wales . . . . . . . .Or at least that was to the best of my understanding as straight after the wedding he is apparently going to Bangor for the week!

But joking aside, I must say that it has been a privilege, pleasure, nerve racking but yet enjoyable experience to be Stewart and Ashley's best man and I am delighted to have played a small part in such a big day – thankyou all very much for putting up with me

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to echo what I said before and thank everyone for sharing there special day and just before we toast them I have a few cards to read from friends and family who couldn't make it

Stewart's Aunt &amp Uncle card
Ashley's family card
Ashley &quotI'm sorry&quot card
Stewart &quotMichael Barrymore&quot card

So then, Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand . . . . .I'd like you to raise your glasses in toast to Stewart and Ashley, the new Mr and Mrs McKergow who we wish well for the future, to love, life, laughter and happily ever after . . . . .. . . .

To Stewart and Ashley