Speech by Craig Robson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Craig Robson
Speech Date: Oct2005
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, as most of you have probably guessed already from the church, I am the best man, however for those of you who don't know me personally, my name is Craigwatareuhaving, and if u see me at the bar please call me by my full name.

I would like to begin on behalf of Ceri & Paul, by thanking you all for being here, and sharing their special day.

I would like to thank the Brides Maids for firstly performing their role so gracefully and for looking fantastic throughout the day. I'd also like to congratulate them for doing such a great job in making sure that Ceri went against her better judgement and didn't change her mind. Thanks also go to the Ushers who have done a great job ushering people.
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I would also like to thank Prozac for all the help and support they have given me in the build up to this moment!
They've been great
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You can't deny it's been an emotional day… even the cake's in tiers!

Sorry but I had to get that one in
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When Paul asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at
the prospect. But it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to
dissolve into utter apprehension. I remembered the last time I had to
stand up in front of a room full of people. I was found guilty and fined
£200…
So I hope you will be a little bit more forgiving and lenient than the last lot were.
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I naturally had many questions
What had I done to be bestowed with such an honour?
Had all his other friends left the country?
Had somebody else refused?
More importantly, could I myself refuse and still get an invitation to consume loads of alcohol? It was a risk I wasn't going to take.
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I have never been a best man before so lacking any experience, I thought that
the simplest way to put a speech together was to get one from the Internet,
I looked at hundreds of ready-made speeches only to discover that 95% of
them always start with the same joke.. the best man is like making
love to the Queen – it's a great honour – but nobody wants to do it –
so I decided to stay clear of that one.
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Also I was a little worried as to how long the speech should last, so I asked around and the common reply was that it should go on for about as long as it takes the groom to perform his duties in the bedroom..…

So ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, you've been a great crowd!!

[Sit down briefly]
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Ok………..the good points about Paul:
So what can I say about him.
He's Handsome
Witty
Intelligent
A great footballer
Er..Er…
Sorry Paul, what's that say, I can't read your writing. Oh, yeah
good in bed sorry.
Seriously Paul is a sound lad, he's considerate and generous; some of his workmates even refer to him as godlike..… Rarely seen, and if he does do any work, it's a bloody miracle.
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When I first started working with Paul one of the first things i noticed was his sense of fashion….…
Not being very fashionable myself I actually tried to copy him……………………..…

Until the mrs told me to stop wearing her underwear (clothes)…

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Knowing Paul for years I've seen plenty of hair cuts ranging from curtains to shaven, to being dyed blonde or dyed orange and black……….but we wont mention the time how you accidentally died it orange!
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Anyway, I should really tell a few stories or embarrassing situations from the grooms past.
But, out of respect for Paul …… I've decided not to.
Well…..… when I say respect, what I really mean is fear. I've enjoyed my job for many years now and id really like to keep it!
But I did do some research into Paul's past….by speaking to his dad Eddie and his brother mike……..I also got in touch with some of his old school mates by email and got a good response..… (Paper on desk)
But there is no way that I am reading all of this out now. However, if anyone is interested, I will be at the bar later and the price for a look is a pint.
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Looking at him now you may not believe this, but Paul was not a pretty baby… In fact, he was the only baby in the area to have shutters on his pram!

You know, Shirley didn't get morning sickness until AFTER he was born!
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Have u noticed how he couldn't pick his own suit this morning, that he had to copy mine.
I've stopped wearing the mrs underwear, so I don't think he totally copied!
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There's a lot of things id like to say about the stag do in prague
But with respect to Ceri and a promise to Paul I said I wouldn't mention the
Strippers
Drunken innuendos
Throwing up in his meal
Strippers
Naked dancing
The water incident
The lovely locals
Oh and the strippers
So my promise will stand….sorry
but what I will say is that if your ever thinking of going to Prague and you want to know what its like….just speak to Eddie Grubb later cos as we where getting lashed he Jaime and peter on table did do plenty of sight seeing and took pictures………and speak to Johno about the locals cos he got to know them very well…..(u loved it didn't ya).
But as all the lads will agree……….WAT WENT ON IN PRAGUE STAYS IN PRAGUE!!!
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In searching for one piece of advice I came across a short poem which may help answer that age old mystery of the difference between men and women, it's called Moods :-
Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house,
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, but most of all; she'll love you like mad.
Moods of a Man
Horny
Hungry
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I believe Ceri & Paul have been together for about 9 years now & you'll agree with me when I say they are perfectly suited for one & other.
Words of wisdom for Paul though
remember the 5 rings; the engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing, and the enduring.
And there are three words you must never forget, ‘You're absolutely right ‘.
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(Card reading)

Serious card first:
Joke
Serious Card x3
Joke
Serious card
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Ceri you look fantastic today. You're a great girl who truly deserves a great husband. A husband who will care for you, and look after you for the rest of your life.

Paul you've done a great job getting her down the aisle before she found one.
All joking aside, I want to thank PAUL for asking me to be his Best man today. He's a top bloke with a heart of gold whom anyone who knows him will agree & I think Ceri is getting a husband who is one in a million.

On a final note I would like to take this opportunity to wish Paul and Ceri all the health happiness and success in the world and Ladies and Gentlemen I would ask you all to raise your glasses to the new Mr and Mrs Gollogly …… Paul & Ceri