Speech by Craig

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Craig
Speech Date: Oct2004
For those who don't know me my name is Craig and I'm Paul's younger brother.

As best man I have the honour of performing a character assassination of Paul, (PAUSE), but I would like for a moment to mention Claire. Can I say Claire you look stunning today (PAUSE) – you really do look one in a million, while Paul – what can I say? – YOU look like you've been won in a raffle!

Seriously though, I would like to offer my congratulations to Paul on his speech. If my own experience is anything to go buy that will be the only time he will be speaking for both himself and his wife. (PAUSE) – I complained to my wife just the other day, I said in the 7 years we've been married we have rarely been able to agree on anything – she replied ‘Matthew, we've been married 8 years!’

Being a best man for the first time – I decided to read up on exactly what my role involved. From all the information I gathered I believe my main responsibilities today were – To ensure the groom arrives on time, sober and looking good. Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad – I mean I'm a best man, not a plastic surgeon! (PAUSE)

But now I've got him here – we better talk a bit about Shaun.

Paul was born on the 11th July 1971. I decided to look up a few events of note, which happened on this day – but there weren't any! – (No there really wasn't – nothing at all happened!)

In his first few months I'm told Paul was not a very pretty baby. In fact, he was the only baby in Plymouth to have shutters on his pram! (PAUSE) – These were obviously removed when I came along 3 years later, so my Mum could show off her good looking 2nd child!

As he approached his teenage years, an equally attractive Clive Sinclair invented the games console. Now today we are used to Playstations, Game Boys, X-Boxes and the like – but here we are talking about the ZX Spectrum. Those in the audience who recognise this name will also remember the games available for this new console. Classics such as ‘Manic Miner’, ‘Pac Man’, ‘Horace goes Skiing’ and ‘Jet Set Willy’ – were all played to excess by Paul in the early 1980’s.

Now Mum probably also remembers this stage as we often had around half a dozen friends around, crammed into a room playing the damned thing all night long!

But, this stage soon passed and Paul approached his late teens – and into the era of his first car.

Now being an ultra cool 17 year old, there was no way under the sun Shaun would ever be seen in a crappy car. So it was of some surprise when his first set of wheels was a White Vauxhall Chevette. (PAUSE) – But this embarrassing car was not to last long…….…

Having taken a few mates and me for a night out, the Chevette was side swiped at the Norcot Roundabout in Plymouth! – The side which was swiped was the passenger side where I was – although not his fault, I was not too keen after this incident to be in a car of Paul's control…………..…

This fear was well founded when Paul also had crashes in his Escort, Opel Manta and Renault Clio! And just incase some local guests were thinking of cadging a lift of Paul tomorrow; I've got some Taxi cards here for you which I'd recommend! (HOLD UP TAXI CARDS)

Now as Paul entered his 20’s he was quite a lady's man. In fact when baby Jessica came along I was surprised Paul was able to offer a name which didn't relate to a former girlfriend, but Claire I don't seem to recall a Jessica, so you're okay.

There's some advice I'd like to pass onto Paul and Claire. – Firstly during your marriage you should always remember the 5 rings. It starts with The Engagement Ring then The Wedding Ring, followed by The Suffering, The Torturing and The Enduring!

You should also know that it's very important to get on with the mother-in-law. (PAUSE) Now I didn't speak to mine for two years after I married……….… Don't get me wrong, it wasn't because I didn't like her……..… or through lack of trying ………… I just thought it was rude to interrupt!!

Now before I get myself in any more trouble, it's about time I returned to tradition and proceeded to the toast, unless of course you want to hear a wedding themed joke, while you charge your glasses?

Tell Wedding themed joke and then proceed to he final toast……………….… ‘May your love be modern enough to survive the times…………..but old fashioned enough to last forever’