Speech by Craig

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Craig
Speech Date: 10/06/2014 10:24:39

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen.  To introduce myself for those of you who I haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet, my name is C and I have the honour of being R’ best man.  And it is a big honour ladies and gentleman you see R takes the best man role and traditions so seriously that he actually set me up with the maid of honour, A,  a good eight months before today.  But before I start talking about Rell, this is the bit where I say, and you all agree, isn't J lovely and doesn't she look beautiful. I also received an anonymous note this morning [look at A] suggesting  that I should point out how lovely the bridesmaids look.  So let's all agree that everyone looks lovely…….even some of the Ushers-not you Ian……….and I can start this speech

Now that's done – its time to start the story of my friendship with R.  I first met young R back in 2003 when I moved into the halls of residence at Nottingham University.  I'd finally got rid of my parents and in walks this confident cockney fellow with what my dear mother once called the “funniest hair cut” she had ever seen.  Some of you may not have known R then, so to help you out, please stand up my glamorous assistant.  A Attwood ladies and gentleman.

1 – [Photo of R with funny hair] – Carrying a bit of timber then R weren't you.  All pictures will be auctioned off later by the way.

Like most university experiences the first couple of months were a blur of drunkenness where we met many of our now best friends, including Charles, one of the Ushers, and some select characters who you will be trying to avoid on the dance floor later on.

I remember the first time that R and I truly bonded.  That was when we went to a Thai boxing class at university and R, being the sportsman that he is, dislocated his knee in the warm up.  It was painful for R and I felt sorry for him, but it really was embarrassing for me to watch a person I hardly knew, rolling around on the floor crying.

Despite ruining my budding martial arts career I knew however, that R would be a good friend when obviously still in loads of pain, and after a short ambulance ride together, at the hospital, never wanting to miss an opportunity, he asked the not-so-bad-looking nurse to phone Alex Ferguson and let him know that he wouldn't be able to play for United that weekend.  Which I thought strange at the time, and I don't know much about football, but I thought he was an arsenal fan.  Anyway, who would have thought R could be so cocky about his footballing skills when as a boy he was so bad at football, Tina, his mum, had to write a letter to the local junior football club, suggesting squad rotation and begging the coach to let him in the team!

Obviously having a dislocated knee during the first term was a great disadvantage for R, but being someone who is always up for a laugh and not wanting to miss out on anything, he managed to do a 14 pub pub crawl being pushed from pub to pub in a shopping trolley

3 – [photo of R on campus 14 in a shopping trolley]

Fast forward a year or two, whilst still at Uni, I remember when R came to me and said, “you know what C, all my mates from home have seen photos of J and think she's well fit, so I'm going to try it on with her”.  Well J, you lucky lady, you didn't know it at the time but that decision changed your life forever.

Poor young R though had to overcome some barriers before he managed to truly win J over.  For instance, thinking of a way to get J into his bedroom, sneaky R invited her over to watch a DvD.  He took her up to his bedroom, took out his laptop – that was locked in his desk, with a key, that only he had.  He logged into his laptop with a password that only he knew, R was ready to insert the DvD when what auTatically started playing right in front of J – that's right – the last,  urm shall we say, film of,….”adult” genre that R had been watching. 

R however, thinking on his feet, told J a little lie at the time, didn't you R, saying that this was a trick – played by us, his housemates, to get him in trouble, well J I can tell you that was not the case.

Moving swiftly on, I asked R when he knew he first loved J (and as you have all learnt already) and that Ladies and Gentleman was a night out at University when R was dressed like this:

4 – [Photo of R as a bunny]

This was also a special night for R you see, being the vain gentleman that he is, he had two major obstacles to over-come before he was willing to go topless at the party.  The first being that pesky body hair of his.  To solve this, and in addition to the regular Saturday morning routine of plucking his eye brows, R decided to wax himself for the first time.  And although you can't see it in the photo (probably because he uses cover up cream), this resulted in a red rash over most of his body.  The second problem was that R didn't want to look too bloated in front of J, so all he had to eat all day was one cracker.  This didn't work out so well for R when after he told J he loved her he got so drunk he started shouting at everyone saying he was blind and couldn't see any more. And they say romance is dead hey………..

5 – [Naked photo of R as a baby]

Sorry I couldn't think how to get this in to the speech but it needed to be shown – thanks C for sending pictures of naked children to my work email address.

With all of R’ calamities around J I was nervous for him when he said he was going to go to Liverpool for the first time to meet Ann and D, J's Mum and Dad.  How would this young, cocky London lad who spent time in his University holidays driving around Newcastle stealing hubcaps from parked cars with our friend T, get on meeting this well to-do Northern family.  I knew however, that he would at least get on fine with D when J told me that in her dad's study D has a special book hidden away called “The Book of British Tits”. 

[hold up book of GBT]

Very disappointed when I finally saw this book D.

Actually ladies and gentleman – before I carry on, and speaking of T (stand up T), I think it's at this point I need to tell you a story.  Marriage is all about trust and honesty and I don't think there should be any secrets in a marriage…………….do you R?……

So J, remember that time a couple of years ago when T came to stay in London for a weekend when you weren't at home?  T invited some other uni friends, who are girls, around to your house and they made a bit of a mess didn't they? and also your brand new, favourite, expensive scarf went mysteriously missing didn't it.  You, obviously annoyed, sent T some angry messages telling him how rude it was to invite these girls around in your absence?  It's fair to say your friendship was a bit ruined and you have never quite forgiven T for that isn't it?

Well J here's the true version of events….. 

So R and T did go out, and yes, other friends came back to your house and they did make a bit of a mess.   In the morning knowing you were coming home and wouldn't be too happy with the mess and that he had had girls in the flat, R tried to do a quick tidy up.  During this tidy up he came across a scarf.  A nice scarf.  A new scarf.  It was so new he didn't know it was yours and he was worried that if it was left in the house you would know he had girls around. 

So what did you do when you came across this scarf Rell?……….

J was angry that she couldn't find the scarf and it was obvious that people had been around to the flat.  But you didn't get in trouble did you R?  That's because you lied and told J it was T's doing didn't you and asked him to take the blame?  When it was actually you who organised the party, invited the girls and lost the scarf.

Wow, 3 years, – what a weight off! So ladies and gentleman now that's out, after 3 I want you all to clap T and boo R at the same time.  1, 2, 3

I shouldn't be too down on R though as he does have some good qualities:  He's the only boy at University who would come back drunk from a night out clubbing at 4am and tidy up the house.  He's also the only person I know who when he worked there, could get you this strange, almost 100% discount on Halford's car radios.

6 – [Photo of R as kid in Kickers jumper]

Always a wheeler dealer weren't you R

So in the spirit of being the best man I believe it is customary to give the married couple, or at least Rell, some advice.  So R, knowing your love for Alex Ferguson, I've based this on football:

·          One, ensure you are fully committed every week

·          Two, try your best to score every Saturday morning

·          Three, No matter how good you think you are, take the warm up seriously

·          Four, practicing by yourself isn't a substitute for the actual game.

·          Five, Don't put your tackle in too hard as you might injure the other player

·          And finally, no tackling from behind…….

R though, seriously you have done well with J, very well.  As I'm sure you will all agree J has many great qualities: strength of character, never afraid to speak her mind, sense of humour, she's fiercely loyal to you R and lets not forget her beauty.  But in particular her intelligence makes a great counterpoint to you Rell and let's face it, any girl should be cherished that is willing to trade the surname B for Q.

Honestly R, joking apart, you have been a great friend to me over the years.  My best friend.  You're like my second girlfriend. It truly is an honour to be your best man. When I look back over my life, my fondest memories are often the times we've been doing something together.  You make mundane activities fun with your cheeky attitude and positive outlook and I feel like no matter what happens in my life I can call you and know you will be there for me.

When I'm with you two I know that you are both extremely happy together, it's obvious that you love each other…..no matter how many times you get kicked out of the house R.  You still call each other Friend, kiss in public and use these strange childish voices to communicate with each other – its awkward for everybody else but its also nice to see that the love and the spark is still there.

I know how much planning and effort you have put into this day so thank you for letting me, the bridesmaids, A and Cath, the ushers, everyone in this room share it with you.

So on that note ladies and gentlemen please can you….ooops no wait. I almost forgot.  J, you don't think I'd show all these embarrassing photos of R without an embarrassing one of you do you?

7 – [R in speedos in Italy]

And yes Ladies and Gentleman, As we have seen from the baby photo,  those Speedos are profile enhancing.

Ladies and Gentleman please be upstanding and raise your glasses.  I give to you R and J, Mr and Mrs Q.  The bride and groom!