Speech by Damien Raffaelli

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Damien Raffaelli
Speech Date: oct 2004

Host & Hostess, Bride & Bridegroom, Ladies and Gentlemen, and Kilmarnock fans – Don't worry, I have organised a couple of bottles of Buckfast for you for the toasts.

Can you hear me down the back? Good then go and get me a pint of lager

First of all on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank Paolo for his kind words.

Before I go any further I have an announcement to make, can the owner of toupee, serial number 731465 please remove it from the foyer as its starting to confuse the cat.

Since I was asked to be best man, I've had many a sleepless afternoon at work trying to work out just what to say. I actually consulted various people to find out their views and the general consensus is that the best man's speech should last about as long as it takes for him to do his manly duty in bed……..so I hope you are sitting comfortably.…

I also have to take into account that we are standing in Gods House so I cant be too controversial. I know both Paolo and Nicki are God fearing people and that they follow the 10 commandments… albeit 5 each!! Infact, I had a conversation earlier with Cannon Quinlan to ask his views on sex before marriage and he said that as long as it doesn`t delay the ceremony then he is fine about it. (pull up zip)

I have to say that I am nervous standing up here in front of you all so be gentle with me. Paolo actually tried to convince me that he wasn`t nervous at all about today. In fact I know he slept like a baby last night… He was up every half-hour crying for our mum.

I guess it's tradition for the best man to go into details about Paolo`s previous girlfriends but seeing as none of them survived the foot and mouth epidemic I feel that would only be disrespectful. Paolo and I have actually been through a lot together infact we were just saying earlier how glad we are that none of them have turned up TODAY.

As some of you may already know I'm not actually married myself, but I'm sure the right girl for me is just round the corner.. Unless the police have already moved her on since last night!

Anyway, before I go any further, can I just comment on how beautiful Nicki is today..… and Paolo looks very handsome today aswell.

Looking at him now you may not believe this, but Paolo was not a pretty baby, when he was born the nurse held him up and commented on how much he looked like our Dad BUT THEN the she turned him the right way up and all was well….I'm saying all was well but my mum didn't get morning sickness until AFTER he was born! He was a unique baby however, he was the only baby in Edinburgh to have shutters on his pram!

He was also a slow starter. At Playschool Paolo was different from all the other 5 year olds.. He was 11! I remember when he was a kid, he used to have a bad habit of biting his nails, this used to really hack our mum off especially as he never put his shoes back on when he had finished.

His school years just passed him by… literally.

It was his late teenage years that he started to discover the fairer sex, I guess this all tied in with his several years living in a flat in the centre of town. He very nearly had a telepathic girlfriend once but she left him before they even met. In fact it was only until recently that he thought that mutual climax was an insurance company.

We used to have some wild nights out though, I remember one night when I left, I looked behind and saw him in the middle of Princes Street trying to roll up the white line. One particular party we had in the flat I watched him for 20 minutes trying to get a mini pizza into the CD player!! Those were the days.

Then he met the wonderful Nicki, now I cant let this occasion go by without saying a few words about her. Nicki is a wonderful mother but a rotten cook, they invited folk round for dinner 2 weeks ago and they are still sitting there!! Strangely enough though, her dad said to me that the one thing he is going to miss about her is her cooking, even now the thought of her mashed potatoes brings a lump to his throat!!

On that note I think I better make a toast:

Ladies and Gents can you be upstanding,

Paolo & Nicki, May your love be modern enough to survive the times but old fashioned enough to last forever.

Ladies & Gentlemen, The bride and groom.