Speech by Dan Beal

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dan Beal
Speech Date: May2007
Best Man Speech

Disclaimer number one – My speech does NOT contain any original material – so if anyone is offended, it's got NOTHING to do with me!

Disclaimer number two – Ben and Laura have stated that should you injure yourselves in any way when climbing on the chairs and tables at the end of my speech to give me a standing ovation, they hold themselves in no way responsible for your actions!

Pause

Ladies, gentleman, girls &amp boys

For those of you that don't know me, my name is Dan
And for those of you who do………I apologise.

As you know, the essence of a successful wedding speech is: short and simple. These are both characteristics of mine, so I guess that's why Ben asked me to do this today!!

I'm sure Sax and my friends have informed you that I am a quiet &amp reserved type of guy who doesn't usually like to say too much…………….I will however be available for drunken conversation by the bar straight after I have babbled my way through this.

I'd like to thank everyone here for attending Ben &amp Laura's special day. It still amazes me how far people will travel for a free meal and some complimentary booze.

Pause

So here we are,

Ben &amp Laura have finally got married

For better or for worse
Which is quite appropriate really
As ben couldn't have done any better
And Laura couldn't have done any worse!

Pause

I would just like to thank Ben, on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words

I think you'll agree they have done a fabulous job whilst looking so stunning
Especially the wonderful Mel

Also well done ushers, I think you all look average and done a reasonable job ushering.

About Sax

I think it's only right I give you guys some background on our groom.

Sven Anthony Saxon was born
in Hertford Hospital
on the 12th July 1977
at 2.30pm
Now I wouldn't say Sax was an ugly baby, but Jackie only had morning sickness AFTER he was born.

Pause

Apparently he turned up 3 weeks late!!

3 weeks……….…

And I know the reason why…….…

Anyone who has had to share a bathroom with him will know why!!

I bet he was in there……………

Doing that last little bit of hair………..flick, flick

You wouldn't believe that someone with sooo little hair could take sooo long to style it!

Anyway………As you may have noticed, Ben has many nicknames

The most popular being ‘Sven’

He would like to think that it originates from a Swedish porno flick
But we all know…….… it's because he resembles ex-england manager,
that Swedish pr…..ATT

Speaking of football
Ben &amp I first met about 20 years ago when we were playing for Broxbourne Rangers.
Just young boys, running around the pitch,
falling over and getting scabby knees

Something's never change because we're still doing the same every weekend!!!

We then went onto separate schools,
Sven went to Broxbourne where he excelled in the subjects of English and
Maths
I went onto to John Warner and learned the art of ducking a right hook and how to
steal other people's dinner money

But it wasn't until we left school that we really became good friends

Face Sax

Sax introduced me to the Salisbury where we would spend most of our weekends
And this is where I met the rest of the boys who I am sure will all thank you personally for bringing me into the group..…

Seriously though, being part of this group of friends is brilliant, we've been on holidays, weekends away and nights out…..… we have had some really cracking laughs and anyone who spends time in their company will come away with only good things to say.

Ben &amp I have travelled to various destinations throughout our lads tours away and as most people will know I'd always have to look out for Ben. The boys will back me up when I say that Sax can be a liability when he's had a couple of shandys……….pushing wheely bins at people, tossing friends out of bed, you know the stuff boys do.

Face Jackie

Jackie, I know you always thought it was me who was the bad influence……….well you would be right!!! He was always the one looking out for me and making sure I kept myself out of trouble.

I've been desperately trying to remember something from Ben's past that he would be ashamed about………………and I couldn't find any juicy info at all

I even contacted all the prostitutes and drug dealers he used to go to…………………and not one of them had a bad word to say against him.

Ben has always had a flare for sports.
And whatever he turns his hand to, be it water polo, tiddly winks or sumo wrestling he is always annoyingly good at it.

I'm sure Ritchie fondly remembers taking ben out for his first ever round of golf. Ritch had been playing a fair bit and asked Ben if he would like to join him for a round.
So off they went to the golf course where Ben turned out to be tiger woods long lost brother!!!!
Don't think Ritch has ever got over that.

It doesn't stop there
Not only is ben frustratingly good at sports he also seems to have an unusual amount of luck on his side.
Some people say you make your own luck, which is a fair point
But winning every raffle, picking the most successful lottery syndicate numbers, and Being the under 25’s bingo champion down the local village club!! It's seriously unbearable.…

But probably his biggest stroke of luck, was meeting Laura.
They met at work across a crowded insurance office and for Laura it was love at 1st sight……..… Turn to Laura I know it wasn't but it sounds better……….…

Sax was just happy that a female, other than a family member, had actually smiled at him!

I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was probably just bad wind!

Pause

Somehow, and after a lot of time, dedication and persuasion he finally managed to convince her to go out with…….his mate Jim!!

Well.… that of course was never meant to be, this was because Jim was more interested in Ben than he was in Laura!

Speaking of Which I would like to say a few words about The lovely Laura.

Turn to Laura

Firstly…I would like to say how amazing you look today… and how proud I know Ben was when you walked down the aisle.

I know exactly why Ben has asked you to be his wife.

And apart from her obvious assets ………which is reason enough…….she is beautiful, funny and a happy go lucky girl.

All in all Mrs Sven you are top Chick.

Pause

Before this beautiful day could go ahead we obviously needed to organise a lot of things………….get our priorities in order

So top of the list

Yes that's right ladies and gentlemen……you've guessed it

The stag do!!!!!!!!!!!

We headed to the home of Tom Jones, leaks, Charlotte Church and Sheep.
So off we went in to find ourselves some Welsh'rare'bit.

There not getting any better are they?!?!

Of course I cannot divulge too much information about the weekend because what goes on tour stays on tour
Also for legal reasons the real identities of the individuals involved cannot be revealed at this time

Right, here goes, the stag do in brief:

Lots of golf
Drinking
fat ugly naked guy locked out of his room
Drinking
golf buggy cruising down the hotel corridor
More Drinking
Jarvis Cocker exposing his instrument on the minibus
Drinking
A damp smelly shoe look at Sorrell in disgust……….…
Drinking
An unsuspecting resident of the hotel opening her door to complain about the noise coming from the corridor ….…

And here's the clincher,

To her horror she found a stag in the buff on her door step!! That poor Women..…

For a full run down on any of the above points,
Please contact your nearest usher who will gladly fill you in…..…

Anyway A top weekend was had by all and we all managed to return home with at least part of our livers still in tact.

Turn to Sax

Mate, I would like to take this opportunity
To say a big thank you for putting up with me for all these years and for being a true friend….oh yeah and not forgetting trying to help me overcome my phobia of public speaking.…
Honestly though this has been a massive honour for me and one that I shall never forget….… Thank you

I would love to offer our happy couple some words of wisdom on marriage but I'll leave that up to Ritchie later.

I know Ritch……..… I can't say that………………………….…

But what, I have done
is put a few things together for my best mate to help him own the bedroom tonight.

Produce wedding night survival pack

Ben…… if you could open the first item please

These are for…………well if you don't know by now condoms

And this always helps the situation Lube

Now…….… you got to keep yourself neat and tidy. under carriage care kit

Who could resist……………Yes it's me. Sexy thong

And Laura I couldn't leave you without a helping hand for your first night with your Husband.

Produce the female wedding night survival pack

I thought you may need some assistance to get you through tonight's ordeal.

Anyway thanks for listening to my speech this afternoon……….and as I said to my other half the first time we made love……………………………….thanks for laughing.

So on behalf of the bride and the bride groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day

And it now gives me immense pleasure……not to mention relief, to invite you to be upstanding and raise your glass to Ben &amp Laura

I give you………………………………………

Mr &amp Mrs Saxon