Speech by Dan Casley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dan Casley
Speech Date: Aug2004
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Firstly can I pass on a big thank you to everyone for coming today and making this such a special occasion for the happy couple. It's been an emotional day for us all, SO MUCH SO THAT LOOK – EVEN THE WEDDING CAKE IS IN TIERS!

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank S**** for his kind words. I could not agree more, as I think they have done a superb job today. The bride arrived at the church on time, and of all her wedding day nerves seemed to have been settled. Out of interest, just how many Jack Daniels and cokes did it take then girls?

I do hope you are all enjoying yourselves and I'm sure you will agree that everything has gone like clockwork so far today. Unfortunately, you can't expect perfection, which is why you are going to have to listen to me for the next few minutes, so my advice would be to keep filling up your glasses and drink your way through this.

It really is a great honour to have been chosen as S****’s best man, having only known him since the age of about 21. I must tell you that when he asked me, he did so with a big smile on his face, knowing full well that the thought of standing up in front of you all today would fill me with horror. Well let's just hope he's still smiling when I've finished!

Now I should say that unlike many best man speeches that you may have heard, mine is not going to be packed full of sexual innuendo, as I made the couple a strict promise that if there was anything slightly risqué, then I'd whip it out immediately!

Can I just say what a truly wonderful wedding it's been so far. A pretty church, an excellent priest, glorious flowers, magnificent food, beautiful bridesmaids and a stunning bride.

In fact talking about the Priest, we spent some moments talking before the service, and after a few minutes the rather awquard subject of sex before the wedding came up. But, when I asked Brother James his views, he said as long as the pair of them kept the vestry curtain shut and the noise to a minimum then he was absolutely fine with it!

I'll now try to give you a brief history of S****. Well, he was born on 28th July 1971 in Epping…and that's the hospital, not the Forest in case you were wondering!
No sooner was S**** out of nappies that he had golf shoes on his feet, and it was not long before he joined his local club. He showed real promise for the game by all accounts and was once leading their championship some years ago, with just 9 holes to play. But then the pressure got to him and the poor lad slumped down the leader board.

Now the strange thing is..…
There were never any golfers in S****’s family
SO no-one had ever taught him how to play
AND as a boy, S**** had been always been good at sports involving his hands.…
So …..where did he get such good hand – ball co-ordination from?
How did this man get his stroke play up to scratch I hear you ask?
Was it down to his trusty wood?
Or could it have been all those golfing magazines hidden underneath his mattress? I'd never realised that Mayfair was a golf mag!
Actually he's always told me about the birdies he's had over the years but now it makes perfect sense!

Anyway these days the man is a very competent golfer with a handicap of around 5, although his only handicap when he was younger was a pair of skin tight farah trousers that could not have done his ball control any favours whatsoever!

So what was S**** like at school? Well rumours have it that at senior school he was one of the smallest in his class, and I'm err not just referring to his height if you know what I mean. I don't know how he got on with languages back then, BUT I do know that he is having Spanish lessons at the moment, and I am sure he'll want to impress you all with a few words later. In fact I think he'll want MORE than a few words with me after this.

Now I cannot stand up here without mentioning one incident that took place in the South of France stag do earlier this year. It was the first night and we'd been drinking pretty much all day and were now attempting to get home to the camp site. However there were absolutely no cabs to be found anywhere.
Anyway, whilst most started the long walk home, yours truly managed to commandeer a vehicle. Well we got home in double quick time, thanks to some high speed driving. BUT this wasn't your usual taxi ride home and the combination of blue flashing lights and sliding around in the dog enclosure made this journey one to remember!
As well as the stag do we've enjoyed a few lads holidays together. And I'm always the one to share the room with him, and boy can this man snore! In fact E*****, I'd hate for your wedding night to be ruined so I got you these ear plugs! [HAND TO E*****]. And I have not even mentioned how untidy he is! Guaranteed, end of every holiday, my half of the room – spotless, clothes all folded away, and everything in its right place. Whereas S****’s side of the room – well total chaos! Just how E***** puts up with him is nothing short of a miracle!
And well some of the clothes he wore on holiday also had to be seen to be believed……[look at S****]. In fact…..this is for you. [pull out present of him in orange/red silly trousers]…….Ooooo very cheeky I think you'd all agree!! Not quite sure whether he is arm wrestling in this photo or maybe that Greek meze was a bit too spicy for him!

As the years have passed we have become best mates and he is always there for me with words of advice and encouragement. This was particularly evident when we trained and completed the 2003 London Marathon together. Now although S**** dragged his heels a bit over the last 6 or so miles, we ran a respectable time, finishing just behind Paula Radcliffe. Seriously though, it was a truly unforgettable day for us both and one that we will never forget..… or repeat for that matter!

So how did E***** and S**** actually meet and begin their relationship? Well it happened when they both worked at Deutsche Bank in the City, and one afternoon their eyes met over the top of a computer screen. S**** was feeling in a particularly confident mood, so he decided to try his luck to chat E***** up. Anyway he got himself composed, adjusted his tie and then slid over to her desk to deliver his killer line….”Hello can I empty your hole punch for you” said S**** …..and well the rest is history!….in fact “SURPRISE SURPRISE! – HE HAS TRAVELLED ALL ACROSS LONDON TO BE HERE WITH YOU TODAY – Yes it's that very special hole punch!

Now as you all know, S**** and E***** have moved to live in Marbella, and I have to say I am so pleased it is working out for them. I've not known E***** for that long but I would already class her as a true friend and it is not difficult to see why they have grabbed this opportunity with both hands.

I hear that as a best man you are meant to impart some wise words to the couple about their future relationship together, so I would just like to pass on the following that I picked up during my lengthy research.
They say that married life can be very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. But come the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen!

Now as this is a modern wedding you'd have expected the happy couple to have a pre-nuptial agreement, which they have…… although theirs is nothing complicated – S****’s going to wash and E*****’s going to dry.

And so to my official duties..…

And now to the toasts :
I think you will all agree that the all look fantastic today, so I'd like to propose a toast to each and every one of them now…..to the bridesmaids and pageboy!

My second toast goes out to the sets of parents we have with us – to the proud parents!

And finally I turn to the bride and groom. I think you are a fantastic match and S****, in E***** you have found your true love and sole mate all in one. I honestly wish you both all the happiness and luck in the world….you may be miles away in a different country but always remember “mi cassa su cassa”.

So can I now ask that you are all upstanding as I raise a toast to the happy couple.…

To E***** and S**** – may you live as long as you like, and have all you like for as long as you live….to the bride and groom!

Thank you…..