Speech by Dan Griggs

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dan Griggs
Speech Date: Oct2005
Good Evening Grimsby

If you can get card No 8 out, we are playing for a full house. Right first No is 6&9 69, meal for t………….bugger wrong

Right let's start again. My name is Daniel & I am Craig's cousin, when Craig first asked me to be his best man I thought “oh hell I know that we are family but I don't even like the guy very much, and surely he must have some friends” Well looking around this room I was obviously wrong to think that.

Now you might have guessed that I am from the South, if any of you are having problems with understanding my accent then I'm sorry it's not my fault that I can talk properly, please feel free to ask Craig for a translation afterwards.

Being completely honest, I have been very worried about this speech – I mean this is not the first time today that I have come off a warm seat with some paper in my hand…

Now before I go on to completely slander Craig's character as is traditional, I conducted a lot of research to make sure that I wouldn't forget anything, and came up with a checklist of what my basic duties should be.

"1. Bring a chequebook or credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten" – which knowing Craig will be all of them, well tough I've got a baby now so you will have to ask your Dad

"2. Help the groom dress" – thanks, but no thanks, if he hasn't learned by now then he never will

"3. Ensure that the groom:

Uses the toilet (once again I refuse);
his shoes are tied;
his face and hair are ‘in order’ (well if God didn't put them in the right order the first time , what chance do I have?);
nothing's between his teeth (or is that his ears??); and
that his trouser fly is done up…"
Mmmm… Perhaps his mum should have been best man.

"4. See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay" – I should think most of them will be far from angry, probably out celebrating…

"5. Bring a zip-up bag with the following items for emergencies:

aspirin, antacid, deodorant, valium (I have already finished most of those in the pub beforehand) & toothpaste

"6. Make a speech to the bride and groom."

Now I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I'd get locked in a nice little room to talk to them for a while, and maybe have a cup of tea, so I'm a little upset to now find I have to do it in front of 100 people. Still, must press on…

"7. The key is to find a Best Man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems."

As you can see, Craig's obviously an appalling judge of character. Which brings me nicely to the point where I can demolish his character.

Craig Nigel Ranson was born in Portsmouth on the 9th of April 1969, or as his sister affection ally called him Niggle……..apparently this used to annoy Craig, So from now on if everybody could call him Niggle then I'm sure it will feel just like the good old days.

Niggle went to Bursar Street school and then onto Matthew Humberstone Comprehensive school. This leads me on nicely to his school life where unfortunately or
fortunately depending on how you look at it we didn't see each other but from what I gather he was an ideal pupil that excelled in most subjects.

Sorry what I meant to say was

He was an idle pupil that was expelled from most subjects. Which led to him
leaving school prematurely. at the age of 16 to pursue
his desired career as a motor mechanic although his first choice was to be a dustman as they finished at 9 o clock in the morning. Anyhow he went on to work for Kwik fit as a kwik fit fitter but unfortunately had to leave as he couldn't grasp the dance and im sure you'll see exactly what I mean when the disco starts

One of Niggle's old friends John Morton told me that he had a house party when they were younger, the party was going very well, nobody had nicked anything, vomited on the carpet or had sex on the parents bed…..but Niggle being Niggle he let the side down by drinking so much Vodka he passed out onto the sofa. No body took much notice until John started to hear gurgling noises coming from Niggle & realised that he was choking on his own vomit. So John leapt into action & turned him over saving his life.

Niggle owed John a huge debt of thanks for saving his life. Apparently Niggle did this in later years by nicking John's girlfriend………..nice bloke. So if anyone notices Niggle making gurgling noises this evening then please ignore him cause you can do with out that sort of thanks.

Niggle introduced me to many new experiences when I was growing up, because we lived far away from each other we usually saw each other at family gatherings or holidays, so unfortunately we never met up as much as we would have liked. What I do remember is Niggle's love of fast cars, fast music & fast women, I had never come across a person with such a carefree attitude to life, it was great fun coming up to this part of the country.

But now we are all a little older we can look back with fondness, but life changes so quickly. Now Niggle's love of fast cars is either catching the bus, walking or cycling, his love of fast music is now being a dodgy DJ doing karaoke or mobile disco's & his love of fast women is now Rhoda………….well 1 out of 3 ain't bad.…

He met Rhoda at a bar called “The Exchange” I'm not too sure what Niggle was trying to exchange but it looks like he got a good deal……….just a shame that Rhoda lost out, if only you had kept the receipt………

Ladies and Gentlemen, before we finish, there are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible – and the great thing is, as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast………….to the bar staff

Well that concludes my speech ladies and Gentlemen I would just like to ask you to raise your glasses to the bride and groom and wish them all the love, luck and happiness they deserve.

“The Bride & Groom”