Speech by Dan Newsome

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dan Newsome
Speech Date: Nov 2008
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen – I'm a little bit nervous, so before I came here today I looked to one of my good friends for some advice on giving this speech. He said ”think of it like walking through a nudist camp, it””s only hard for the first minute.”

So with those words of wisdom ringing in my ears I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Andrew for his generous introduction – wonderfully restrained I thought, and thank him for his toast to the bridesmaids, who I'm sure you'll all agree look gorgeous today, only eclipsed by Debbie who looks absolutely stunning. Andrew on the other hand just looks stunned!

I'd also like to make a special thank you to the ushers for their help today. For those who are unaware the ushers, myself and Andrew are all musicians and play in a band together, so you can imagine my surprise when they actually all came in on time this morning.

Well that's the thank you””s out of the way, now to the humiliation. Before I continue I””d just like to put the bride and groom at ease, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I””ve promised Andrew and Debbie that if there is anything slightly risqu&#233, I'll whip it out immediately.

So ladies and gentlemen, I know what you are all thinking…who is this good looking guy and how does he know the groom. Well I'm Dan, and Andrew's closest friend. When Andrew asked me to be Best Man I was incredibly honoured and quite emotional actually, so much so that when he asked me we both had tears in our eyes and gave each other a great big hug. Unfortunately we were stood outside quite a rough pub in Meanwood at the time, so were lucky to get out alive.

However, this feeling soon subsided into sheer panic, and sensing thi terror Andrew decided to help me by buying me a book for my birthday ””The Best Man's Speech &amp Duties”. Very thoughtful. I'm guessing it was Debbie's idea, as the books Andrew tends to buy usually come with crayons.

As I read the book it was apparent there were two main rules for the Best Man to abide by:

1. Always ensure that the groom looks smart and his hair and face are in order at all times…Well I””m not a miracle worker I thought, but I'll give it a go, and frankly if nature didn't succeed the first time round I'm not sure what chance I have!
2. Secondly, at the reception the Best Man should help to keep things running smoothly by buying everyone drinks and socialising. Well I'll have a chat with everybody, but at these prices you're on your own ””m afraid! There's a recession on you know!

For those who don't know Andrew so well, I will try to give you a little overview of what he's about. For those who do know him, well you have my sympathy.

Andrew was born at a very early age, about the size of a baby on 1st April 1980. April Fools Day, says it all really!

It's traditional to try and link his birth day to a major event, but nothing really happened that day, although the hospital staff still refer to it as ”Ugly Tuesday”, in fact he was the only baby in the village with shutters on his pram!

Myself and Andrew have know each other for over 20 years and it was at infant school when I first met him and even then I could see he wasn't like other 5 year olds…he was 11.
We went through junior school together, but it wasn't until high school where we became close friends, and I would venture to his house to play football and play on the computer. It was then I noticed he had three main passions – music, Newcstle United and Star Wars. He was a massive fan of the Star Wars films and collected all the figures. It even got to the point where he had a Star Wars costume specially made for him complete with wig.
Andrew and my younger brother bought toy lightsabers and would spend hour upon hour practising their fight routines in the street. The””d spend ages perfecting every move. My mum would have to go out, come on boys, time to come in, it””s getting dark pause….you””ve got work in the morning ah to be 23 again!
We spent a lot of our late teens, early twenties in the pub, naturally, and sunk many pints together over the years. I wouldn't say we drunk to excess – we drank to anything. We would frequent the clubs, occasionally the world famous Batley Frontier where we would try and impress the ladies with our dance moves. Those who haven't witnessed the spectacular shapes that Andrew can pull out on the dance floor, I'm sure you'll see them later. He's quite a mover, John Travolta-esque, with his little legs going like the clappers…shame they don't move as quick when it is his round at the bar.
No that's not quite true, our friends will vouch that Andrew is always the first person to get a round in…as long as it””s in Wetherspoons and under a fiver.
I'm not saying Andrew is tight when it comes to money, but I did watch him drop a pound coin at the bar last night and he bent down so quickly to pick it up, it landed at the back of his head!
One of our drinking exploits occurred when Andrew came to visit me at university for a night out on Halloween. We both got dressed up, I was a Mexican bandit and Andrew wore his Star Wars costume. Come to think of it, we never really got the concept of Halloween. Anyway, the drinks in the club were flowing and everyone was having a good time…Andrew was getting more and more incensed by the fact nobody had actually seen Star Wars Phantom Menace and were convinced he'd come dressed up as Jesus.
Those who have been to university will understand that nights out can be very boozy affairs, and eventually the 2 for 1 drinks were taking their toll on Andrew, as I found him slumped in a corner with a Jack Daniel's and Coke…with his wig on backwards and a droopy lightsaber apparently that's what alcohol does to you, lads. I managed to bundle him in to a taxi and then walk, well i say walk, it was more drag him to my house and let him sleep it off on the sofa. When I came downstairs the next morning I discovered an empty sofa… he'd disappeared. Slightly concerned about his welfare, I ran upstairs and there I found him…sprawled, fast asleep on the bathroom floor where he'd been all night, still clinging for dear life to the toilet bowl with a look of sheer terror still on his face.

Safe to say, things haven't changed much over the years.

In all seriousness, I'm very honoured to be Best Man today and incredibly proud of my friend because he has found the woman who he wants to be with the rest of his life, and I can say in all honesty that I have never seen him happier than he has been these past few years with you Debbie. You make a fantastic couple and I wish you a lifetime of happiness.

Andrew you have gained a loving, caring, affectionate wife and Debbie you've gained…well a beautiful new dress and lovely new ring pause and a husband who will always look after you.
On that note i would like to finish with an age old saying that i think is rather apt today.

A man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married”

Ladies and gentlemen, if you would like to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Andrew and Deborah