Speech by Dan Newsome

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dan Newsome
Speech Date: 20/08/2011 20:28:55

To make this speech memorable and exciting,

I thought I'd tell it in rhythmic time,

Making sure each verse was the perfect length,

And ended with words that would…tend to sound similar in their last syllable.

However, it seems I don't have a microphone,

So for those whose ears are a bit dud,

The silence at the front should reassure those at the back,

That they're not missing out on owt good.

First, I must thank Andrew for his toast,

To all of Helen's beautiful aides,

Who have all done an absolutely outstanding job,

As the gorgeous flower girls and bridesmaids.

And Helen, you look really stunning today,

Breathtaking your guests would admit,

Even Rkid has tried to scrub up,

But he seems to have copied my outfit.

I would also like to thank everyone here,

Your presence really is a big deal,

I'm amazed, however, how far people travel,

When there's a sniff of free booze and a meal.

Now let me pay tribute to an outstanding bloke,

A man who was destined to excel,

But it is our Andrew's wedding day,

So it's only fair I talk about him as well.

Now, I spent night after night with pen in hand,

Trying to write a cracking good speech,

I decided to look at the high points of his life,

But ended up falling asleep.

So what can I say about my younger bro,

Without getting myself in to trouble,

It's clear he is ‘a man of great vision’,

Although blurred and quite often double.

Instead I'll take you right back to the start,

Offer a glimpse into his life as a child,

Sorry Rkid, it is part of tradition,

I'm afraid there's nowhere to hide.

Andrew was born in Spring ’82,

He was truly a gift from above,

Unfortunately he was a pug ugly thing,

With a face only a mother could love.

“We'll call him Thursday!” declared Mum, with a smile,

“Why?” Dad said with dismay,

Then he took one look at his new baby boy,

And said “you're right love, we'll call it a day!”

As a toddler he was quite a handful,

And was constantly sent up to bed,

He would find it quite funny to use his toy mallet,

To smash me at the back of the head.

Now most brothers have their arguments,

And I was not letting this one easily pass,

So I replaced the toothpaste on his toothbrush,

With antiseptic cream meant for my ass.

It's fair to say that didn't go down too well,

I got into bother for that minor trick,

He went off crying and my arse was slapped,

All thanks to that little…pest.

Now, Rkid really hates the embarrassment,

Of stories of when he was young,

It's because he spent most of his early life,

Crying, sulking and wanting his mum.

The time our grandad put a bag on his head,

And jumped out from behind the door,

He screamed and burst into floods of tears,

To be fair he was twenty four.

Now quickly moving on to his school days,

A horrid time for poor mum and dad,

I wouldn't say he was academic,

More of a hands-on kind of lad.

Andrew would often play truant,

And he would always rely on me,

To write a sicknote for his teachers,

I had mum's signature down to a tee.

Our parents were concerned about his performance,

It drained them, their energy had sapped,

It wasn't so much he was falling behind,

It was the fact that Rkid was being lapped.

His maths teachers said he had issues,

“He doesn't get it”, they'd frequently say,

“He thinks 12 centimetres equals 12 inches”,

A problem he still has today.

Mum and Dad were constantly asked,

What they thought he'd be when he left school,

“We've no idea”, they would often reply,

“We reckon about 32”.

We were typical curious teenagers,

Smoking the odd cig and drinking cider,

And because I was the oldest kid,

It was up to me to turn provider.

We'd try our luck at the local shop,

I'd walk to the counter and make a choice,

“Can I have 10 Lambert & Butler” please,

I'd say in the tiniest squeaky voice.

How I got served, I'm still not sure,

It was clearly bare-faced cheek,

With my obvious lack of facial hair,

I still get ID'd for booze every week.

Between us we've had some bad hair dos

We thought would make girls’ heads turn,

They did, but not ‘cos we were hot stuff,

It was due to my afro-style perm.

There was the time Rkid bleached his hair,

In the midst of his rebellious years,

Unfortunately he threw the instructions away,

It came out orange and so did his ears

His passport photo was taken that week,

And there he was, hair fiery and bright,

Thanks to airport security and their rubber gloves,

The next ten years he'd be late for his flight.

Much later he sported his new Alice band,

To keep his long curly locks at bay,

He thought it made him look all exotic and cool,

I just thought it made him look gay.

It was now time for Rkid to find a job,

We were worried I must admit,

We didn't question his intelligence,

In fact, no-one ever mentioned it.

So with his talents using a hammer,

As the dents in my head would certainly prove,

He went on to become a joiner,

Who could do wonders with Tongue & Groove.

Although, he was a little accident prone,

And was never really precise,

He's the only person I've ever known,

To get shot with a nail gun…twice.

Now on to the reason we're here today,

When Andrew and Helen first did meet,

I'm not sure when he asked her out,

But I'm sure it was no mean feat.

I remember he was set for his first date,

I said “what's she like then, tell me the facts,

He said, “Caring, beautiful, thoughtful and smart”

I said it's true then, opposites attract.

He told me he took her to a top swanky place,

And assured me he'd made a real fuss,

All I know is he wooed her with the line,

“If you were on the menu here, you'd be McGorgeous”.

So that is how the story went,

But for my speech I needed another,

I asked Helen if they had any secrets to tell,

She revealed they had pet names for each other.

She said “I call Andrew, Holiday Boy”,

I thought “that'll make the relationship stronger!”,

Apparently it's because he's good while he lasts,

She just wishes that he was longer.

Now I've come to the final part of this speech,

And this verse is true and sincere,

I am honoured to be Andrew's Best Man today,

And proud to be standing right here.

I know Andrew will make a great husband,

And will support Helen through whatever life brings,

Through the tough times and the best of times,

He gave his heart when he put on that ring.

As a brother I have watched him grow up,

And enjoy the happiness he has found,

It's usual to look up to older siblings,

Today it is the other way round.

So ladies and gentlemen raise your glasses please,

And all be upstanding in this room,

And make a toast to Andrew and Helen,

The perfect Bride and Groom.