Speech by Dan Roberts

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dan Roberts
Speech Date: Dec2005
Speech!
For an occasion such as this it is customary for the best man say a few words and to tell some amusing stories from the groom's past. As we all know Gareth isn't the type to do anything stupid, so I don't really have much to say.

What I would like to say is thank you to Mr and Mrs Rayner & old Mr & Mrs Foster for inviting us here today.

I would also like to thank Mr Rayner and Gareth for their speeches again.
I should comment on, and I'm sure you will all agree, how wonderful Melissa looks today. I really like your dress.
Gareth, you are looking gorgeous too. Although you do appear to have copied my outfit.

The Bridesmaids are looking beautiful. Thank you for your good work today, whatever that was, err, carrying Mel's train around.
A special thanks to my elite team of ushers, who are beautiful on the inside.

<Read cards>

I first met Gareth when we were around 5 years old. We grew up together in Rossendale in the 1980s. For those of you who don't know what Rossendale was like in the 1980s, you can just visit it now. As the years went by, our friendship grew and there was a close bond that kept us together – His Mother Audrey used to give me a lift to school.

However, throughout this time Gareth often seemed to be a little quiet, upset, sometimes depressed. A troubled child. I was really worried for him. It wasn't until much later in life that I realised this was normal for a Burnley supporter.

Those years of dedication to the clarets did eventually prove worthwhile. Romance blossomed for Melissa and Gareth on a fateful Sunday afternoon coach trip to Valley Parade, to see Bradford City “entertain” Burnley. Anything to lighten up that day, I suppose. They must have seen something they liked, because the couple have now set up home in Bradford. Let us hope they have the good sense to move back across the Pennines soon.

I had always thought Gareth would turn out to be more ASBO that ASDA but initial courting had taken place in the aisles of the Rawtenstall store, where the two lovebirds were employed at the time. Although Gareth perhaps has the longer association – Having previously treated a lucky hot date to a hot dinner in ASDA café.

Apparently Melissa and Gareth had been checking each other out for a while. Mel worked in the bakery department. Gareth liked the look of her baps. He was after something from the Extra Special range rather than Smart Price or Farm Stores. Mel was happy with the Whoops section.

I have to say I was a little put out that day after the Bradford game. I went round to see my mate and suddenly I wasn't the most important person in his life anymore. As we have grown older we still have lots of things in common though. Sometimes this thing is alcohol. Alcohol affects all of us in different ways. For Gareth it usually means sleep. After an evening out drinking our man has been known to: –

-Fall asleep on the train
-Fall asleep on a bench
-Fall asleep on a beach
-In a taxi
-On a grass verge
-In the pub
-In a nightclub
-In a kebab shop
-Leaning against a PA system
-In a Police Car
-In a Police Station
-Fall asleep on the night bus
-Fall asleep in an alleyway

The last 2 were me actually.

It's a simple equation though. Alcohol means sleep. Alcohol -> Sleep. I see you are enjoying a drink there Gareth. So good luck tonight Mel.

Speaking of good luck, not just for today, but also for the rest of your lives. Today is a celebration of something very special. I'm sure everyone here would like to wish you both many years of happiness for a marriage that wont have a wonky wheel, in fact it just ASDA be perfect – I would like to propose a toast.

To the Bride and Groom!

Thank you Ladies and Gentlemen. That is all for now. The bar is open, by the way.