Speech by Dan Taylor

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dan Taylor
Speech Date: oct 2003

Introduction

Ladies and Gentlemen, family and friends (Meine Damen und Herren, liebe Familie und freunde aus Deutschland). I would like to begin by thanking Richard on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words. I'm sure you all agree that Tacha, Katie and Kay look lovely today and have done a great job of taking care of Shellee. I'd also like to say that Shellee looks absolutely stunning today…………….as for Richard – well, he just looks stunned!

I would also like to thank you all for being here today to share this very special occasion. Just looking around the room at you all, I suddenly thought: “isn't it amazing how far people will travel for a free meal!”

But weddings are great family occasions, aren't they? One of Shellee's relatives was bending my ear earlier about the way children grow up so quickly now. He said it seemed only yesterday that Shellee was a toddler running around with a dummy….no change there then!!

Now, before I delve into the life and times of Richard Rowntree, the owners of Newland Hall have asked me to pass on a health and safety message ……..if you could please refrain from getting on the chairs and tables during my standing ovation it would be most appreciated.

I'll have you know I've put a lot of hard work into this speech! When I was doing my background reading, I found this really interesting book in Oxfam: “Wedding Etiquette for Young Gentlefolk”. I'd just like to share some of its words of wisdom with you.

Chapter one is all about choosing the best man. Good start! They insist that the groom must choose someone :

Trustworthy

Reliable

Sober

And guaranteed not to embarrass him.

I have to say Rich, you're an appalling judge of character!

Chapter two in the book sets out the three key elements of a wedding day:

The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Altar – the place where two become one
The Hymn – the celebration of the marriage

I think Shellee may have also read the same book. As she took her place beside Richard today, I swear I heard her whispering, “Aisle Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn”.

But seriously, it's a tremendous honour for me to be standing here as Richard's best man. And it's all the more remarkable since, 20 years ago we were arch enemies. Hard to believe I know.…

Why did we hate each other? It was dead obvious to our classmates. Richard was jealous because I was captain of the school football team. And I was deeply envious because Richard had the largest football sticker and marble collection in Essex. Even worse – I coveted his plastic dinosaurs – they even got him press coverage in the Evening Echo – here is Exhibit A (Show photo 1).

However, what is more interesting is in the write up from the press clipping. The journalist asked the young Richard Rowntree what he wanted to be when he grew up, surprisingly it wasn't as a bank manager for the Halifax…..no, he realistically informed the journalist that he wanted to be a professional footballer and win a gold at the Olympics in Judo…..well, if it wasn't for the injury Rich who knows mate!

This mutual contempt for each other finally came to a head when we were 12 years old. Eastwood school playing field – freezing cold day – a game of hockey. Richard was annoying me so badly I decided to hack his legs with my hockey stick, and down he went.

But Richard would not leave it at that. Even then he showed a bank manager's persuasiveness and persistence. He talked the entire first year into ganging up on me. Incredibly, these arch enemies survived to become the best of friends. Well I did think that until he asked me to best man and do a speech at his wedding – cheers Rich!

THE EARLY YEARS

But I'm getting ahead of myself. My job today is to introduce the Groom to you all.

So let's begin with a potted biography. Richard Rowntree came into our world in 1973. This was the same year they made “the Exorcist” and brought in VAT………just goes to prove that bad things come in threes!

Ursula tells me that Richard was a pretty baby and was often mistaken, no not for a girl, but strangely as a teddy bear (Show photo 2). I think this photo explains everything!

Trying to live down this image, Richard grew up with a number of haircuts ranging from a skinhead (Show photo 3) a demiwave where he was affectionately known as ‘Larry the Lamb’ (looks like the haircut was popular in the Rowntree household!) (Show photo 4), then bird shit highlights (Show photo 5).

Even today he has emulated one of his favourite Spurs players – Chris Waddle with a mullet! (Show photo 6)

THE SCHOOL DAYS

Richard and I just about made it through school, with only a few minor blemishes along the way. Not least of which was when our English teacher known as Nookie Bear tried to ban us from taking our A-Level exams because he said we were cheating………Personally I don't see what's cheating about using someone else's work when it's better than your own but still….…

Now I want to make it clear that Richard was a bad influence on me – to this day I maintain that it was his fault that we were separated from every class for poor behaviour. Richard's school reports read more like comedy scripts. I managed to obtain a copy of Richard's 6th form report from Eastwood School which says (produce school report):

Name: Richard Charles Rowntree

Sessions: 353

Attendance: 262

Late: 37 (which was a school record by some margin)

The report continues…………Richard has coped surprisingly well with his academic studies but has been far from a model 6th former. He has actually misbehaved in some lessons, almost unheard of from a 6th former, to the extent that two members of staff have considered refusing to teach him and he has upset a visiting speaker on the understanding industry course. His attempts to improve the good name of the school include:

Being seen smoking in school uniform

Barking like a dog in the Geography stock cupboard

Charging between sites shouting football slogans

Disrupting the end of year school concert by hitting the head girl in the throat with an orange

It continues…….Teachers have waited patiently for Richard to grow up but his silly childish behaviour will not be tolerated next year. Nice to see things haven't changed there either!

WORKING TOGETHER

During our time at school, Richard and I had a number of jobs to supplement our nights at TOTS the exclusive nightclub in Southend. Why anyone in their right mind would employ the pair of us at the same time is beyond me – clearly a disaster waiting to happen.

When we worked at Gateways Supermarket Richard's nickname was God, which I never worked out until someone told me it was because he was rarely seen, holier than thou and when he did any work it was a bloody miracle!

And when we worked at a Cash and Carry we were forcibly separated by the management for clowning around. I think, in fact, all of this simply points to a tragic misunderstanding of Richard's character. He doesn't mean any harm he's just one of the noisiest people ever to walk the earth.

NOISE

Usually you see something before you hear it……basic physics you know…….light travels faster than sound. Not so with Richard. You very definitely hear him first as I'm sure all of you will know. Richard's idea of a quiet evening at home is something you measure on the Richter Scale.

When he lived in Leigh on Sea, the poor woman who lived above him (who Richard affectionately named Scamperer) was finally taken away from her flat twitching with mild hearing loss.

His most recent neighbours in Lady Lane Chelmsford one night phoned the Police to report that a woman was being strangled. The Police arrived and knocked on the door for at least 10 minutes. No response. Scaling the side gate they found out that in fact no-one was being strangled. Richard had been playing his Dolly Parton CD on full volume……well, I suppose it was an easy mistake to make!

And, on the Stag do in Nottingham, Richard was extremely noisy. Returning to the Hotel on the Saturday night, Richard's noise levels could easily be heard above the busy A60 Mansfield Road, waking up most people within a mile radius.

RICHARD MEETING SHELLEE

Being partners in crime, it was inevitable that I would be with Rich when he met his future wife. Picture the scene. It's October 1997, Aqua are number 1 in the charts with Barbie Girl and Rich and I descend as usual on TOTS the nightclub.

Richard takes to the dance floor lager in hand with a swagger convinced he's Liam Gallagher. As he was dancing he kept telling me that he was “mad for it, I don't know about mad for it, the way he was dancing he just looked mad!

Richard and Shellee's paths crossed at the end of the night. You could tell there was immediate chemistry between them – although I have to say most of the chemicals were in the 13 pints of Stella that Richard had consumed earlier!

Things moved along nicely between them, everyone had their fingers crossed for the young happy couple. Then in April 2002, at the Ivy Hill restaurant in Chelmsford Richard bent down to tie his shoelaces, Shellee jumped to conclusions and here we are today!

Now, there appears to be some confusion over where Rich and Shellee are going on their honeymoon. I thought, perhaps like many of you, that they were off to the Bahamas but I'm not so sure now. From speaking to Rich earlier today I think they're going to North Wales……….or at least I think that's what Richard meant when he said he was going to Bangor all week!

ADVICE

Finally, in my wonderful book of wedding etiquette, I found three excellent pieces of advice.

The first one is for you Shellee;

If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with.

But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats all your food, uses your telephone and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free……you either married or gave birth to it.

The second piece of advice is for you Rich

Keep practising the three most important words: You're right dear

And thirdly to you both:

A wedding night should be like a table……..four bare legs and no drawers!

WORDS TO MY MATE

Last of all, before the toast, I would like to say some words to you Rich. You are my oldest and dearest friend and have been like a brother to me over the years. We have been through some bad times but mostly loads of funny and memorable times. Your friendship has been a source of strength to me throughout the years and I want to say that it has been an honour and a privilege to be your best man today, thank you……

THE TOAST

Would you please be upstanding for the toast………

Here's to the Father in Law's daughter

And here's to the Mother in law's son

And here's to the vows they've just taken

And the life they've just begun

Mr & Mrs Rowntree