Speech by Dan
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Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dan
Speech Date: Dec 2001
Good Afternoon/Evening Ladies and Gentlemen.
Thank you for coming here to celebrate with Royden and Bianca on their special day.
Bianca you look absolutely stunning.
Roy you look absolutely stunned.
I am sure you will all agree with me that this has been a wonderful day so far, however every silver lining has its cloud and we are it.
My name is Dan would-you-like-a-drink, this is Lee would-you-like-another-drink, and this is Max I'm-from-Montreal-would you like to FRENCH-KISS. Please feel free to say hello and call us by our full names later on.
We will be around the bar area.
As we have been eating our meal this evening I had the time to look around the room at you all and have been struck by how far you people will travel for a free meal.
In preparation for my part on this glorious day, I read that there are 3 key elements on this day.
“the aisle” – it's the longest walk you will ever take.
“the alter” – the place where 2 become 1.
“the hymn” – the celebration of the marriage.
I believe Bianca read the same book because I am sure I heard her whispering to Tarryn and Gina whilst taking photographs “I'll alter him”, “I'll alter him”.
Those of you here that have been BESTMAN before will have some idea of what it feels like up here, for the rest of you, I think the best way to describe it is rather like being asked to make love to the Queen mother. It's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.
Before I forget, on behalf of the groom, I would like to thank the bride-maids who are all looking beautiful and who have performed their roles splendidly.
In terms of the bestman roles, the key is to find a best man/men who is/are resourceful, energetic and diplomatic, someone who will not offend or create problems.
As you can see Royden has an appauling judge of character.
This is the point where we can demolish his character, but I'll leave that up to Lee and Max.
Lee humiliate Roy on his own.
Max humiliate Roy on his own.
It is a great honour to be one of Roydens best men because Royden is one of three best men that I know. The second one is standing next to me (Lee) and the third one lives in Toronto.
Royden is truly a quality individual, he has been an associate /hockey player friend for about 8 years but a true friend for about the last 3 years. He has built up some life-log friendships through ice-hockey. He will remain a lifelong confidant.
Before I make the toast I have few words of wisdom to pass on to keep the marriage running smoothly.
-Royden marriage is more than an eight letter word, it is a life sentence, you get less for murder.
-There are 3 rings in a marriage:
the wedding ring,
the suffer ring
and the endure ring.
-If you buy her flowers she knows you are guilty and she will remember to the second the last time you bought her any flowers.
-The best way to remember you wedding anniversary is to forget it once.
And finally the key to a long and happy marriage is to remember those 3 magic words “You're right Dear”
Tell Joke – All over the house sex (make reference to the couch and kitchen counter), bedroom sex, passage sex (gauge audience on “Screw you Dear” or “Fuck you Dear”.
Roy, you are a lucky guy marrying Bianca, she is a lovely person and she deserves a good husband. Well done mate and thank God you married her before she found one.
Seriously though Roy, you are a lucky groom. You've got Bianca who is smart, caring, loving, funy, warm, beautiful and a match for you any day of the week.
Bianca, you too are a lucky bride. You've got Roy who is …err.um…Roy. Good luck.
I have few cards to read.
To Royden, we could have been so good together, love Britney Spears.
To Bianca, we could have been so good together, love Martina Navratilova.
From SAIHA – A note saying we have found Royden to be useless in every position, Bianca I hope you have more luck.
On behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank everyone here for coming today. It gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Mr and Mrs Volans who deserve everything they get. We wish you both good health, happiness, long life and a fruitful marriage.
To the Bride and Groom.
