Speech by Daniel Card

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Daniel Card
Speech Date: Oct2004
(Thanks for previous speeches)

First I'd like to thank Chris for those kind words – some sort of response is probably in order. Before I start, if there's anybody here who feels a little nervous and apprehensive, it's probably because you've just married Chris.

I have a bit of an issue to raise, it has come to my attention that there is a bet on about the length of the Best Man's speech. However, I am sure you will all be glad to know that I got wind of this and have put a bet down of an hour, and with a pot of $150.00 you might as well all settle and enjoy the ride.

So, I have a bit of a dilemma, if you know me, you know that I am not much of a talker, so do I anxiously drag the speech out for the hour to win or do I get on with it so we can get to the bar???

As best man I have a few specific jobs to do today, this being one of them, and an earlier one being to make sure Chris got here on time and in decent form, sober and smart – it is my responsibility to make sure his face and hair are in order. I think that this duty is really unfair, and quite frankly I have just tried to do the best I could given what I had to work with. Although at least his hair today is a considerable improvement on some of the styles that he has sported over the years, which includes the infamous Bob, the impeccable Mullet and the notorious Cornrows, which luckily for Shannon, I spent the better half of the morning de-braiding his hair.

Another duty is to make sure that certain people are thanked for their part in today, so I'd like to take some time to thank a group of people who to be quite honest have had a fairly easy day – they have to cope with all the difficulties of standing around smiling and looking pretty, they've spent a lot of time on their hair, make-up and outfits, and without them, the day just wouldn't be Shannon's – ladies and gentlemen, the ushers – Jeff, Lamont, Glen, Tom, and Matt. I have never in my life seen a more stunning group of metrosexuals.

But in all seriousness, I would like to thank the bridesmaids for the great job you have done getting Shannon through today. I think everyone will agree that Shannon looks beautiful and after all the shots she took, she can defiantly hold her alcohol. (Turn to groom) You are truly a lucky man, Chris.

But I would especially like to thank Chris and Shannon's parents, PARENTS NAMES, for all they money, I mean, time they have spent in planning and organizing this wedding. Thank God for Savings Accounts! I am sure we will all agree, this has been a wonderful day and really got Chris and Shannon's marriage off to a perfect start.

I think you would agree that at least so far the wedding has been beautifully planned, even down to getting an extra hour in bed tonight.

As part of my preparation for today I have been doing some research
Unfortunately November 6th has always been regarded as a bit of a black day in history:

1936 – The siege of Madrid begins

1942 – Tidal wave kills 10,000 people in Bengal, India

1977 – A damn collapse drowns at least 38 people as a wall of water submerges a trailer camp in Georgia

But now at least there's one good event to remember November 6th for, other than the 1985 release of Stevie Wonder's Part-Time Lover, the greatest song ever recorded.

Another part of my research was to ask some of his friends and family about what they would say about him: some words you could use to describe Chris are charming, intelligent and entertaining…but nobody said those, so I won't use them. He was once described as arrogant, conceited, insensitive and selfish…and, let's face it, if anyone would know him it would be his mother. Which I thought was a bit harsh, but I couldn't argue with MOTHERS NAME.

Having known Chris for the best part of NUMBER OF YEARS KNOWN years I have huge amounts of entertaining stories about him – however hardly any of it is even vaguely appropriate for his wedding, and as a result I would be in a lot of trouble if I told them here…so I'll be telling them over there later (indicate to the bar)!

In our teenage years, we were largely inseparable, we played ball together, we partied together, we hugged the porcelain god together, we went on vacations together and even got ordained and became ministers together… and now Chris has even started to copy the way I dress. (Turn to Chris) Dude, flared leg hip huggers are what accentuates my figure, NOT yours!

As I said from the age of about AGE YOU WERE WHEN YOU MET, Chris and I pretty much grew up together – we've crashed bikes and cars together, although not at the same time, we started going to bars together – although we'd inevitably get thrown out because Chris looked too young, we discovered tequila together and as a result neither of us can touch it to this day, we've got into – and got each other out of – all kinds of messes and generally looked out for each other. He has in essence been my brother and it's not often I get to thank him for it.

I'd also like to thank him for finally admitting that I am the Best man. It only took about NUMBER OF YEARS KNOWN years (Roll your eyes and shake your head).

I'd just like to reflect on how all of this started for a moment. A very romantic affair, with Chris having spent all day practicing at the basketball court, he decided he was going to go charm all the ladies at St. Mary's with his smooth basketball moves. But like the charming melodies of William Chung, Chris’ feet were not in sync. That's when Chris fell into Shannon's arms, literally. He tripped over his own feet and fell on top of her as she cheered him to the hoop. It makes you wonder why she ended up seeing him again afterwards.

But they continued to see each other – ending up here today. Although the route here has been fairly smooth, the future for the newest Mrs. Carter isn't necessarily all that easy. Actually, after recently talking to Shannon, it turns out that she has decided NOT to use her married name at work. She has tried to get the kids at school to say “Mrs. C” and apparently they struggle a bit they are only able to refer to her as “Mrs. Pee” – which understandably she wasn't too happy about.

Theirs really is quite a good match although Chris does have a distinct advantage over most husbands in that he's deaf in one ear, which means that he only picks up on half of what Shannon says – which really has got to be a bonus, and can only contribute to a happy marriage.

Joking aside though, having recently gotten engaged myself, I can vouch for the feeling that you get when you realize you have met the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, it's a feeling that you want to make the most of, and we are here to celebrate that with you both…long may it continue.

So, ladies and gentlemen, it really has been an honor and a pleasure being best man, but today I am the best man in title only. It's Chris and Shannon's day and I wish them all the happiness in the world for this new chapter in their lives. In conclusion, I'd like to thank you all for your attention, and let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I enjoyed making it, then all I can do is apologize most sincerely because that's it.

So, if you would all please charge up your glasses and be upstanding…ladies and gentlemen, the toast is the bride and groom…may your life together bring you more happiness than you could have ever imagined.