Speech by Daniel Gaffney

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Daniel Gaffney
Speech Date: Oct2005
Bride and Bride Groom, Ladies and Gentlemen, good afternoon my name is DION,

I tell you what it's the last time I believe anyone when they said it was a fancy dress wedding! (Groom and Best man wearing kilts)

Before I start, I believe LOFTY is running a sweep on the length of my speech…could you please put me down for 16 Minutes 35 Seconds.

Now I'm sure everyone will agree that this afternoon at the wedding the bride looked absolutely stunning !!
The groom looked absolutely stunned !!!

It's been a great day though and I would also like to take this opportunity to thank both families on behalf of us all for all their efforts in making this such an enjoyable occasion. Could he have a round of applause for both families please.

It's a real honour to be DANS's best man – as well as slightly daunting…..but he's assured me, that if I do a good job today he'll let me be the best man at his next wedding!!

Do you know, being a best man is a little bit like being asked to sleep with the Queen , It's a great honour, but nobody actually wants to do it.

Now the only problem we've seen so far is that Dan and Emma had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide who to put where.
So Dan, in his true fashion, decided to link it to the wedding present list; He decided to put those who brought the biggest items nearest the front, and work back from there……………So Chris (pause and look around at the back for Chris)

Dan and Emma wanted to say thanks for the oven glove!

Now I know its traditional at this stage for the best man to go on about the number of ex-girlfriends the groom has had, but quite frankly I don't want to go into all that. I find such macho male talk un-called for and offensive to the bride…………suffice to say though Dan, (while turning to look at him) 73 turned out to be your lucky number

Now every now and again we have the opportunity to talk about a man of the highest integrity and honour – a man of achievement and action, with penetrating intellect and who is obviously destined for better things…………………Not today though, because this speech is about Dan.

My duties as Best Man today were to get DAN here;

ON TIME, which is a first.
SOBER, which is unusual.
AND SMART, which is unheard of thankfully have
all been successful.

DAN and I go back some 16 years now, and during this time we've become very good friends and its an honour to be his Best Man today. His certainly kept the lads and me amused over the years.

A bit of history about DAN and EMMA, they met in a very, very romantic location. For those of you that don't know it the G SPOT club on the outskirts of Cheshire is normally the hangout of wide boys and Essex girls……….so it was by pure coincidence that they met on the fateful night.

As the slow songs played at the end of the night DAN plucked up the courage to ask EMMA to dance, and the rest as they say is history. But I know since that first dance there's been a couple of questions on EMMA's mind……which I'm pleased to say I can finally answer today. (TURN TO EMMA). No, EMMA….it wasn't a gun in his pocket…..and yes,…..he was pleased to meet you.

During the stag do to Prague I have asked DAN'S work colleagues to sum dan up, invariably described him as a ‘first class banker’…..although I may have misheard them.

I will now move on to reading out some cards and telegrams. To Dan:
– best wishes on your wedding – your usual place awaits you on your return.
– From the Governor of Strangeways prison.

To "EMMA"
– I'm sorry that I couldn't marry you myself and had to get one of my mates to do it but best wishes on your special day.
>From the pope benedict the 16th.

To Dan
A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride.
PS. Will you be renewing your subscription?
>From all the staff at The Fantasy Channel

Well, what can I say about DAN at College?

A prize winning scholar, a gentleman, both on and off the first team Football pitch, a bit of a heart throb with the girls in the Hockey team.

Dan was……….none of these things.

But he did exhibit the outstanding qualities of character which have earned the respect of so many of us gathered here today. His sense of humour, his loyalty, fun attitude to life and sharp wit meant that he was always popular and enormous fun to be around

STORIES

As you may or may not know . Dans stag do took us to Prague, there was a lot of sightseeing of the great peaks and mountains and midgetsthat are in Pra ha.

Between us all at some point we all made friends with the porcelin toilet bowl , especially dan and Bon!

The lads tried to play a prank on dan by giving him a viagra tablet but somehow I ended up with it, seriously. I got it stuck in my throat and suffered from a stiff neck the rest of the break.

Don't worry you'll get it later.

And on that note, as best men we've been told that we have to offer a small piece of advice to Dan and he'll be pleased to know that a successful marriage can easily be compared to his 2nd great passion in life……..football

1. DAN: – Ensure you're fully committed every
week
2. EMMA: – Make sure you score every Saturday 3. DAN – Don't put your tackle in too hard or you may do yourself an injury 4. EMMA – Make sure you change ends at half time 5.DAN – No tackling from behind especially on your wedding night 6. Emma has also assured me that if DAN plays away from home it could result in a serious groin injury and is certainly the quickest way onto the transfer market!

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" :

– The Engagement Ring
– The Wedding Ring
– The Suffer-Ring
– The Endue-Ring

They say "love is blind" but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Remember marriage is not one word it is a sentence..…
you get less for murder!

Summing up This is much better than the wedding I
was at last month where two Aerials got married. The service was terrible, but the reception was fantastic.

If I may, I'll offer a final piece of advice to each of you……………..…

Don't forget EMMA,….a man is like a tiled floor, lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.

And you ( Pointing at DAN ) don't forget to utter those 3 little word's as often as possible………."you're right dear".

Seriously though, its an absolute honour to be dan's best man, over the years I've often spoke to him for advice or his opinion. The sort of words I would use to describe dan is Honest, Ledgend, Committed and the Genuine article, what you see is what you get, its an absolute priviledge to know this guy, I consider him as my second brother. Cheers mate.

The ToastsI

I would like to ask everybody to charge your glasses and please be upstanding while I offer a toast ,Firstly the happy couple, i'm sure everyone here
would like to wish you two ( looking at them )
every happiness now and in the future.… “The Bride and Groom”

Secondly, I would like to offer a toast to..The beautiful bridesmaids, The bridesmaids