Speech by Daniel Hall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Daniel Hall
Speech Date: mar 2004
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
GLYN AND LINDA FATHER AND STEPMOTHER MAGOO
STEVE AND JILL MOTHER AND STEPMOTHER MAGOO
DENIS AND ANN PARENTS DENISE

SEMPER FIDELIS

HELLO FOLKS FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T KNOW ME.. I'M DANNY, JOHNS COUSIN AND THE BEST MAN. FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DO KNOW ME ….WELL YOU'RE JUST VERY LUCKY I GUESS.

FIRSTLY ON BEHALF OF THE BRIDESMAID AND USHERS I'D LIKE TO THANK JOHN FOR HIS KIND WORDS AND REITERATE WHAT A FANTASTIC JOB THEY DID TODAY. I MUST ADMIT I THOUGHT THAT FOLLOWING A SPEECH BY JOHN WOULD BE DIFFICULT, AND I WAS RIGHT I COULDN'T FOLLOW A BLOODY WORD.
I WAS A LITTLE APPRHENSIVE WHEN JOHN ASKED ME TO BE HIS BEST MAN I MUST ADMIT .. AS I REMEMBERED THE LAST TIME I HAD TO
STAND UP IN FRONT OF A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. I WAS FOUND GUILTY AND FINED
£200…SO IF YOU COULD PLEASE BE A BIT MORE LENIENT
SO IF THE SPEECH IS A LITTLE UNORTHODOX THEN I APOLOGISE ……JUST REMEMBER THE MORE YOU LAUGH THE SOONER ITS OVER.
FIRSTLY I'D LIKE TO SAY HOW GOOD EVERYONE LOOKED TODAY ALL THE LADIES IN PURPLE , ALL THE GENTLEMEN IN SILVER AND DENIS AND ANN FIRMLY IN THE RED…
JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS WHO THEY ARE THESE ARE THE PARENTS OF THE HAPPY COUPLE ..POINT OUT DENNIS AND ANN… JILL AND STEVE AND GLYN AND LINDA… GLYN IT'S GOOD TO SEE THEY KNEW HOW TO MAKE A SUIT IN THE SEVENTIES.
I SPOKE TO BOTH DENISE AND JOHN BEFORE THE WEDDING AND I ASKED JOHN WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR IN MARRIAGE – HE SAID LOVE, HAPPINESS AND EVENTUALLY A FAMILY. WHEN I ASKED DENISE THE SAME QUESTION – SHE REPLIED A COFFEE PERCULATOR!WELL, SHE ACTUALLY SAID A “PERKY COPULATOR” BUT I KNEW WHAT SHE MEANT…

YOU CAN'T HELP THINKING THAT IT'S FUNNY HOW HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF.
I MEAN 20 YEARS AGO DENISE'S FAMILY WERE SENDING HER TO BED WITH A DUMMY
AND HERE THEY ARE DOING IT AGAIN.

RIGHT ON WITH THE TRADITIONAL STUFF.. I'M SUPPOSED TO STAND HERE AND PRAISE THE GROOM AND THEN TALK ABOUT THE JOYS OF MARRIAGE.. WELL HERE GOES.WITH A VERY SHORT SPEECH…
SO WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT JOHN
HE'S HANDSOME
WITTY
INTELLIGENT
CHARMING
ER..ER…
SORRY JOHN, WHAT'S THAT SAY, I CAN'T READ YOUR WRITING IT'S ALL IN SCRIBBLY CRAYON… I'LL USE MY OWN NOTES.
RIGHT I'VE KNOWN JOHN ALL HIS LIFE SO I'VE A FAIR IDEA OF WHAT HE'S LIKE .…
GROWING UP JOHN WAS ORIGINALLY A LIVERPOOL FAN BUT HE CHANGED IT TO SUNDERLAND WHEN HE MOVED TO THE NORTH EAST..IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT HE'S NEVER REALLY HAD AN INTEREST IN FOOTBALL AND ON A SEPARATE NOTE AT JOHNS REQUEST THE HOTEL IS SHOWING SOME OLD SUNDERLAND GAMES IN THE BACK ROOM.… IF YOU ASK THE BAR MAN TO PUT THE TV ON THE CARTOON NETWORK..L

WE LIVED TOGETHER FOR A YEAR AT UNIVERSITY AND HAD A GREAT TIME I DID FIND OUT THAT THE LECTURERS CALLED HIM GOD BECAUSE HE WAS RARELY SEEN AND WHEN HE DID SOME WORK IT WAS A BLOODY MIRACLE. HE ONCE ASKED HIS CAREERS ADVISOR WHAT HE'D BE WHEN HE LEFT SCHOOL.
I BELIEVE THE RESPONSE WAS "ABOUT 35".
HE FINISHED UNIVERSITY AND DECIDED TO JOIN THE RAF.NOW WHILE HE'S A SMASHING FELLOW AND A THOROUGHLY DECENT BLOKE HE'S NOT THE BRIGHTEST BULB IN THE CHANDELIER. I'VE SPOKE TO SOME OF HIS OFFICERS AND APPARENTLY HE WAS THE ONLY CADET EVER TO HAVE STUDIED FOR THE BLOOD TEST…
WHEN HE FIRST MET DENISE HE WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE WHOLE CATHOLICISM THING.. HE'S OVER IT KNOW BUT DON'T MENTION THE BIBLE HE STILL THINKS GENESIS IS ABOUT PHIL COLLINS
IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS JOHN HAS BEEN UNDERSTANDABLY A LITTLE WORRIED ABOUT THE WHOLE PROSPECT OF MARRIAGE SO I SAID TO HIM ‘YOU'LL LOOK BACK ON TODAY AS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE….’ THIS WAS YERSTERDAY I SAID THIS… I TRIED TO STRESS TO HIM THAT MARRIAGE IS ALL ABOUT THE RINGS… THE ENGAGEMENT RING, THE WEDDING RING,
THE SUFFERING, THE TORTURING AND THE ENDURING.
BUT SERIOUSLY HE ASKED ME ABOUT THE ENAGEMENT RING HE'D GOT I SAID I THOUGHT IT WAS BEAUTIFUL,,, HE THEN MENTIONED THAT DIAMOND IS THE HARDEST THING ON EARTH, I SAID NO I THINK YOU'LL FIND ITS PAYING FOR A DIAMOND.
HE ALSO ASKED ABOUT GETTING ON WITH THE MOTHER IN LAW.. THE ONLY ADVICE I COULD OFFER WAS FROM A FRIEND OF MINE WHO SAID HE HAD NOT SPOKEN TO HIS MOTHER IN LAW FOR NEARLY TWO YEARS.. IT WASN'T THAT THEY DID NOT GET ON HE JUST DIDN'T WANT TO INTERRUPT HER.

ANYWAY ENOUGH ABOUT JOHN AND MORE ABOUT THE HAPPY COUPLE
WHEN ASKED TO PERFORM AS BEST MAN I DID A BIT OF RESEARCH INTO THE WHOLE CEREMONY AND TRADITIONS INVOLVED…
I DISCOVERED THAT THERE ARE 3 KEY ELEMENTS TO THE WEDDING SERVICE.
THEY ARE AS FOLLOWS……..…
THE AISLE – IT'S THE LONGEST WALK YOU'LL EVER TAKE.
THE ALTAR – THE PLACE WHERE 2 BECOME 1.
THE HYMN – THE VOCAL CELEBRATION OF THE MARRIAGE.
I THINK THAT DENISE MAY HAVE ALSO BEEN READING THE SAME BOOK, BECAUSE AS SHE WAS STANDING NEXT TO JOHN IN CHURCH TODAY, I'M SURE I HEARD HER SAYING THE WORDS…………
“I'LL ALTER HIM…I'LL ALTER HIM!”
IT HAS BEEN SAID THAT MARRIAGE IS A 50/50 PARTNERSHIP, ANYONE WHO BELIEVES THIS KNOWS VERY LITTLE ABOUT WOMEN OR FRACTIONS.
THE ONLY ADVICE I CAN REALLY GIVE DENISE IS TO REMEMBER
MEN ARE LIKE FINE WINES, IT'S A WOMAN'S JOB TO STAMP ON THEM IN THE DARK UNTIL THEY MATURE INTO SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH.
AND JOHN MY FINAL PIECE OF ADVICE FOR YOU IS TO REMEMBER A HUSBAND'S LAST WORDS SHOULD ALWAYS BE ‘OK BUY IT’.
AS A COUPLE MY ONLY REAL PIECE OF GENUINE, SAGE ADVICE IS, “HAPPY MARRIAGES BEGIN WHEN WE MARRY THE ONE WE LOVE AND THEY BLOSSOM WHEN WE LOVE THE ONE WE MARRIED.”

RIGHT FOLKS I KNOW HAVE SOME TELEGRAMS TO READ SO IF YOU COULD PLEASE BEAR WITH ME…..…

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN IT IS VERY OBVIOUS THAT THEY HAVE FOUND IN ONE ANOTHER A PERFECT MATCH, THEIR HAPPINESS SHINES LIKE A BEACON. PLEASE CHARGE YOUR GLASSES AND BE UPSTANDING ONCE MORE. TO THE FLAME OF THEIR LOVE – MAY IT BURN BRIGHTEST IN THE DARKEST HOURS AND NEVER FLICKER IN THE WINDS OF TRIAL. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CAN I PLEASE ASK YOU TO STAND AND JOIN ME IN A TOAST TO THE BRIDE AND GROOM………