Speech by Daniel Sims

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Daniel Sims
Speech Date: sep 2004
BESTMANS SPEECH.

LADIES & GENTLEMAN, FRIENDS & FAMILY.
FIRSTLY ON BEHALF OF THE BRIDESMAIDS I'D LIKE TO THANK SIMON FOR HIS KIND WORDS. THEY ALL LOOK VERY BEAUTIFUL TODAY.

I HAVE 2 TELL YOU THAT TO BE ASKED TO ACT AS BESTMAN TODAY IS A GREAT PRIVELEGE…………BY THE WAY SI YOU STILL OWE ME FIFTY QUID.

WE HAD A LOVELY CEREMONY EARLIER AND I'M SURE YOU'LL ALL AGREE HAYLEY LOOKED ABSOLUTELY STUNNING.
SIMON ON THE OTHER HAND LOOKED ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, EVEN THOUGH HE'S BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING A RING ON HIS FINGER FOR AGES.

I FIRST KNEW SI THROUGH OUR DAYS AT MAYFLOWER SCHOOL, ALTHOUGH NOT THAT WELL. I JUST REMEMBER HIM AS THE SLIM ONE WITH THE VANILLA ICE HAIRCUT HENCE THE NICKNAME VANILLA.- AND YES I DID SAY SLIM!YOU KNOW HIS HAIR ALWAYS SEEMED THE REASON FOR HIS NICKNAMES AND “BEAKER” FROM THE MUPPETS WAS ANOTHER. BUT AS MANY OF YOU ARE AWARE THE NICKNAME THAT STUCK WAS BACON. AS 2 HOW HE GOT IT, WELL IT WASN'T BECAUSE HE ATE LOADS OF SMOKEY BACON CRISPS, OR BECAUSE HE WORKED IN A SLAUGHTERHOUSE, IT WAS BECAUSE B4 HE MET HAYLEY, HE ALWAYS USED TO GO OUT WITH PIGS!

TO BE FAIR……HIS TASTES HAVE IMPROVED CONSIDERABLY OVER THE YEARS, WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY ABOUT HIS DRIVING, SO IF U DO HAVE TO LEND HIM YOUR CAR, TRY AND AVOID THE MONTHS JANUARY THROUGH TO DECEMBER AS THIS IS HIGH RISK SEASON FOR SIMON'S CAR SMASHES.

TALKING OF SMASHES I ALSO REMEMBER SI BEING VERY HANDY WITH A CATAPULT, A BAG OF BALL BEARINGS AND THE SCHOOL WINDOWS.

I REALLY GOT TO KNOW SI AFTER SCHOOL FINISHED WHICH FOR HIM WAS ABOUT 5 MINUTES AFTER THE REGISTER HAD BEEN TAKEN EACH MORNING.
WE STARTED GOING NIGHT FISHING TOGETHER (OR POACHING AS IT'S SOMETIMES KNOWN), WHERE ONE NIGHT SI GOT STUCK IN HIS SLEEPING BAG AND PROCEEDED TO ROLL DOWN TOWARDS THE LAKE, BUT MUCH 2 MY DISSAPPOINTMENT, HE MANAGED TO FREE HIMSELF B4 IMPACT. ANOTHER TIME HE WOKE ME AT 2AM, SAYING THERE WAS A GROWLING, HEAVY BREATHING NOISE AND A PAIR OF YELLOW EYES STARING AT HIM FROM THE EDGE OF HIS SWIM, SO I HAD 2 GO AND CHASE THE HEDGEHOG AWAY B4 HE COULD GO BACK TO SLEEP.

YOU KNOW.… I COULD TELL YOU A GREAT DEAL MORE ABOUT SIMON'S PAST, BUT THE MAJORITY OF IT IS PROBABLY NOT FIT FOR A WEDDING & FAMILY 2 HEAR, IN FACT…SI HAS MORE SKELETONS IN HIS CLOSET THAN FRED WEST EVER MANAGED.
SO IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO HEAR MORE, YOU CAN BUY ME A DRINK AT THE BAR AFTER & I'LL TAKE YOU OUTSIDE AND FILL YOU IN- BUT THAT'S 4 LADIES ONLY!

OF COURSE, NOW SIMON IS AN UPSTANDING PILLAR OF THE COMMUNITY AND A WORKOHOLIC, SORRY, I READ THAT WRONG, THAT SHOULD BE AN APPALING PILLOCK OF THE COMMUNITY AND AN ALCOHOLIC

SIMONS THE ONLY BLOKE I KNOW WHO INSTEAD OF HAVING A GLASS OF WATER NEXT 2 HIS BED HE HAS A BOTTLE OF SMIRNOFF.

SIMON BELIEVES THAT WORK IS A SWEAR WORD AND D.I.Y SHOULD BE D.I.N “DO IT NEVER”

NEVERTHELESS HE DOES DO A BIT IN THE KITCHEN AND LIKES TO THINK HE'S A GOOD COOK, WHICH IS JUST ASWELL AS HAYLEY'S COOKING IS COMPLETELY CRAP! – LITERALLY.

NOW THE STAG WEEKEND IN NEWQUAY, I WON'T SAY 2 MUCH OTHER THAN THAT SI WAS SAFELY TUCKED UP IN BED BY 4AM COVERED SNUGLY IN HIS OWN DINNER, A FEAT WHICH HOPEFULLY HE WON'T BE REPEATING TONIGHT. NEIL STEPHENS HOWEVER ONLY MANAGED 11PM ON THE OPENING NIGHT, BUT TOP MARKS GO TO ALAN DOUGH WHO NEVER EVEN MADE IT OUT THE SECOND NIGHT AND WAS IN BED BY 7.
ANYWAY, YOU CAN FIND ALL THE EVIDENCE @ DRUNK,WHITE &NAKED BY THE SEA DOT COM.

MOVING ON TO SOMEWHERE SLIGHTLY HOTTER THAN NEWQUAY, SIMON FIRST MET HAYLEY ON HOLIDAY IN CORFU, BUT IT WASN'T UNTIL BACK IN ENGLAND SEVERAL MONTHS LATER THAT THEY MET IN CHELMSFORD & STARTED GOING OUT. AFTER A WHIRLWIND ROMANCE AND A FEW MCDONALDS HAPPY MEALS THROWN IN A LONG THE WAY, SIMON PROPOSED, AND WE'VE ALL ENDED UP HERE TODAY.

HAYLEY IF THERE WAS ONE THING I COULD TELL YOU ABOUT SIMON, THEN IT WOULD BE THAT ONCE HE'S SET HIS HEART AND MIND ON SOMETHING THEN HE GOES FOR IT 11O%, & I KNOW HE'S SET HIS HEART ON YOU.
HAYLEY PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE ONE IN A MILLION.
SIMON PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE WON IN A RAFFLE.

I'M SURE YOU'LL BOTH CONTINUE TO B VERY HAPPY TOGETHER NOW YOUR MARRIED & I WISH YOU BOTH THE VERY BEST.

YOU KNOW I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT OF MARRIAGE MYSELF, KEEPS MY MIND OFF SEX .
THEY SAY MARRIAGE SHOULD NEVER BE ENTERED INTO LIGHTLY, BUT THEN SI IS 16 STONE.

THEY ALSO SAY A MAN IS LIKE A TILED FLOOR, LAY IT RIGHT FIRST TIME, AND YOU CAN SPEND YEARS WALKING ALL OVER IT.

WHERE AS WOMEN ARE OFTEN LIKENED TO A FINE WINE. THEY BEGIN LIFE FRUITY AND INTOXICATING, GROW FULL BODIED WITH AGE. THEN GO ALL SOUR AND VINEGARY, EVENTUALLY LEAVING YOU WITH A HEADACHE.

APPARENTLY, FOR THE HONEYMOON THEY'RE GOING TO FLORIDA,
ALL SIMON TOLD ME WAS THAT HE WAS GOING TO TAMPA WITH HER.

WELL, I HOPE YOUR HONEYMOON IS LIKE A WELL COOKED CHICKEN,
LOTS OF TENDER WHITE BREAST, THIGHS THAT FALL APART AND PLENTY OF STUFFING.

I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF I DIDN'T HAVE SI AS A FRIEND…… SOMETIMES THE SMILE LASTS FOR DAYS

SERIOUSLY MATE YOU'RE A TOP BLOKE AND IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE KNOWING YOU THE PAST 17YEARS, AND HOPEFULLY, IT'LL BE A PLEASURE KNOWING BOTH OF YOU FOR MANY MORE YEARS TO COME.

I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH FROM ME, AND AS OSCAR WILDE ONCE SAID
” WOMEN ARE HERE TO BE LOVED, NOT UNDERSTOOD”

SO WILL YOU PLEASE BE UPSTANDING AND JOIN ME IN A TOAST, TO THE NEW MR & MRS VOAKE, SIMON AND HAYLEY.

AND TO MIKE AND LINDA, AND RICHARD AND RITA FOR ALL THERE HARD WORK IN THE PREPARATIONS FOR TODAY.

I'M NOW GOING TO GET VERY DRUNK
THANKYOU.