Speech by Daniel

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Daniel
Speech Date: 14/06/2017 11:58:54

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen.

I'm Daniel, the best man – I say best but in all honesty the best of a very bad bunch. I think you'll all agree that it's been an amazing and beautiful wedding so far. But now finally, here's my chance to lower the tone and humiliate Andrew. ( I'm joking mate – I'm actually not.)

Before I start I would like to thank the bridesmaids on behalf of Andrew, for having them play a part in this really special day. I have to say they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job.

Now I recently read when preparing this speech that a Best Man's speech should not take any longer than it takes for the Groom to make love. So, on that note, ladies and gentlemen, can I ask you all to raise your glasses as we toast the new Mr and Mrs.

Looking around the room it's amazing how many people are here that love Kirsty and Andrew and looking at these 2, you have to admit, Andrew is punching well above his weight. You look stunning Kirsty …  and Andrew ……well done for getting dressed correctly.

I would like to thank you all for coming here today to share in this very special occasion – it's amazing how far people will travel for a free meal and alcohol.

For those who don't know me, I'm Dan and have known Andrew for many years (sadly) and we spent most of our time together in the pub,  playing online video games and many hours of detention at school. (We really need to grow up mate.)

Now there's nothing I wouldn't do for Andrew & likewise there's nothing Andrew wouldn't do for me. In fact we've spent most of our lives doing nothing for each other but take the mick out of each other.

Before Andrew met Kirsty when he was 16, he dated another gorgeous girl. She was small, had gorgeous hair and these adorable eyes. He never shut up about her and believe it or not, she actually lived in his bedroom and slept next to him – in a cage. Her name was Gina. Gina, his pet Guinea pig. He absolutely adored that little critter and never shut up about her. I'm just so thankful Kirsty came along and made him see sense it wasn't right the creepy emotional relationship he had with Gina.

One of the best moments for me and an embarrassing one for him although he utterly denies this is when he decided to down half a bottle of gin when we were a lot younger which resulted in him crying and vomiting for most of the night. It resulted in us dragging around a slobbering drunken mess (nothing has changed there) to try and sober him up before we took him home. This plan failed miserably however, and his poor Nan ending up having to come and pick him up which was hilarious to watch.

There was also a time which was embarrassing for me due to Andrews's childish actions. When having a lad's night in my parents’ house at the time, Andrew thought it would be a good idea when I was asleep to go out in the middle of the morning and steal about 15 pints of milk from neighbour's houses and leave them in my kitchen. You can imagine how ridiculous it looked me trying to explain to my mum and dad why there was a small cow milking farm next to the fridge.

Now to really make you cringe Andrew. This story is hideous and will shock most people. We have been to Ibiza many times and had some bizarre moments. The most ridiculous story about Andrew on one of our Ibiza trips will haunt me forever. It all began after eventually getting to our hotel room after our flight and as I come out of the bathroom I find Andrew smirking and giggling uncontrollably. I questioned what he had been up to in which he continued to giggle hysterically but not tell me the reason for his laughter and suspicious body language. After about 20 minutes of me questioning him and me being utterly paranoid, he finally admitted that during the flight he had soiled his underpants. He then proceeded to tell me that he hadn't just soiled himself but he had thrown the underpants off the balcony in which had landed on the glass roof of the hotel reception. To my disgust after looking over the balcony, there sat a pair of underpants on the glass reception roof in the baking sun. It wasn't until about 2 days later we witnessed some poor member of staff at the hotel doing his weekly clean-up of the roof collecting fallen towels, beach balls, and well, Andrew's dirty underpants.

I'm not 100% sure who does the laundry but if it's yourself Kirsty – my heart goes out to you.

The most magical thing about Kirsty and Andrew are their gorgeous kids Daisy and Charlie. A lot of people may not know, but sadly before the kids came along , Kirsty was told she was unable to have children which I'm sure was heart-breaking to hear for her and her family. But along came Andrew who met Kirsty again since they were first loves and fate created those 2 beautiful children.

The best moment I have of the bride and groom is when we were on holiday for a special couple's wedding. We had been drinking all night and Andrew started to get rowdy as usual and wanted to party hard. We were not on a lads’ holiday and explained this as we had gone as couples. So Kirsty pretty much told him it was time for bed. Andrew literally started to paddy and paddy more than Charlie and Daisy do I'm quite sure. He knew it was a losing battle so eventually put his tail between his legs sulking and got in the taxi back to the hotel. Kirsty and Andrew then argued like 2 teenagers all the way home (until she won the battle) but I must admit it was amazing to watch and refreshing to see another bloke ordered to bed by his missus.

To Kirsty – I honestly never thought Andrew would settle down and mature so thank you for sorting him out. It's also amazing to be able to call you a friend.

To Andrew – it's been one hell of a ride mate since we were kids with some excellent memories and I'm sure plenty more are to come. I also have to say you're a great father.

I'm honestly so happy for the both of you and it's a privilege to be part of this brilliant day so far. I'm most looking forward to Andrew's dad dance later on so all make sure you point at him and laugh please.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my speech this afternoon………and as Andrew said to Kirsty the first time they were naked together, THANKS FOR LAUGHING.

All that remains for me to do is to ask you all to raise your glasses, stand, and join me in wishing the couple a long and happy life together.  If you could all please raise your glasses – and toast – to the Bride & Groom!