Speech by Danny Keeney

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Danny Keeney
Speech Date: oct 2004

INTRODUCTION
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen.
There are many people here today who know me but for those who don't, I'm Danny, Colin's younger, more handsome cousin.
I have to say this has been a truly magnificent wedding and Colin, Linsey and both families should be congratulated for all the hard work involved in organising such a wonderful occasion.

THANK YOU'S
First of all, on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Colin for his kind words and
Sharon, Claire, Laura and Ashley all look beautiful and have done an excellent job today.

In fact everyone in the bridal party look fantastic, I just cannae believe that some guys have turned up wearing the same outfit as me!

Of course I mustn't forget the star of the show, Linsey, she looks absolutely stunning.
Colin.… well he just looks stunned!
Actually, it was good to hear Colin getting in a few words of his own there..… It'll be his last for a long time!

BEST MAN'S SPEECH/DUTIES
It seems only yesterday that I was in the very same chair as Colin and he was my Best Man… and I was the victim! That was almost 3 years ago but I've just been biding my time, as what goes around comes around!

I must admit the Best Man's speech is certainly a daunting task and during the week my nerves were beginning to show so I decided to hire a guest speaker to do the honours instead. I, therefore contacted Barry Ferguson who was initially well up for it. However, once I told him the reception was being held at The Bothwell Bridge his old hamstring injury suddenly resurfaced and said he couldn't come back into Bothwell unless he was tooled up!!

In a panic, I then tried Nuno Capucho, but his agent advised me that he had a heart & kidney problem…..heart lazy and kid-ney be bothered!

According to custom, one of my roles as Best Man is to tell some stories about the Groom and generally insult and ridicule him, while he forks out for everyone's dinner!
I was also given the task of making sure Colin's ex-girlfriends stayed clear of the wedding.
This was actually made easy for me as there weren't that many in the first place and they have been kept at bay thanks to the mad cow and foot & mouth outbreaks!

THE DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE
In order to compile my speech I had to do a little research into the definition of marriage:
Marriage is not just a word – it is a sentence…..a life sentence!
Marriage is a sort of friendship, recognised by the police!

By the way Colin, do you know the meaning of “The Honeymoon?”
No….well it's the holiday a man takes before he starts work for a new boss!

It's also been said that a man is incomplete until he is married.… then he is finished!

Earlier on I found myself chatting to the Minister, and with Linsey coming from a religious family, I asked him his opinion on sex before marriage. He wistfully looked at me and said it was fine..… as long as it didn't delay the service!!!

Colin has understandably been a bit worried about the whole marriage thing, so as a married man myself, I took him aside and said, “Cousin.… You'll look back on today as the happiest day of your life”.
.… I said this to him yesterday!!

COLIN
Well, what can I say about the lucky man himself?
Colin was born in May 1972, about the size of a small baby and since then he's got older on a year by year basis. He was certainly not the prettiest baby. In fact he was so ugly, that his mum didn't get morning sickness until after the birth!

It's been rumoured that he was named after the famous Rangers striker Colin Stein although my Uncle Sammy still denies it to this day.

In his youth Colin was an excellent footballer himself and as school captain won many tournaments, though it was at High School he became more interested in his academic studies. He then progressed on to Stirling Uni where I later joined him and he was soon on the slippery slope of booze, burds and more booze, although he somehow managed to obtain his degree in Accountancy.

While at Uni, he got the odd summer job to fund his studies. Once he got a job in Bellshill in a place called Kibun, which actually turned out to be a useful occupation, as he obviously likes to have a bun in the oven.
After leaving Uni he started with Barclays, where I'm told he was a merchant banker!

He now works in Edinburgh with an American company called Intergen where he tries to speak with a posh east coast accent!
We all know the typical accountant; they are normally straight-laced, well-behaved, and intelligent and usually have an uninteresting personality. Well, not our Colin… he's the exception to the rule!

GROWING UP TOGETHER
To echo what Colin said as Best Man at my own wedding, we have grown up more like brothers and I have always looked up to Colin, especially at the weekends when he likes to wear high heels!

We have, it must be said lead a colourful and eventful social life!
On the journey there have been lots of laughter, tears and scrapes and brilliant nights out.… too many to mention… too few we can remember.

However, there is one night in particular at University which sticks out in my mind.
I'll never forget the image of Colin who, after several refreshments too many, had lost the keys to his room.
Myself and a couple of mates went to see if he was back from the pub only to find him leaning out the kitchen window next door trying to open the window to his own room with a Timberland shoe in one hand!

Yes, we've been through a lot together… K cider…crates of Miller…bottles of vodka…acid music.…
shellsuits… bubble jackets… dodgy haircuts… dodgy girlfriends and entire weekends lost at many parties.

In his early twenties Colin was a bit of a skinny bugger like myself. So he decided to start working out with the weights to build himself up into a hunk!

Even now he continues going to the gym and he's still regularly pumping Irene.… sorry, pumping iron!

Now Colin weighs in at around a hefty 16 stones. Yes, for him a well-balanced meal is a Big Mac in each hand. He once tried to run away from home but the fridge was too heavy!

He is also multi-talented and does amazing impressions….… eats like a pig and drinks like a fish! He's a drinker alright, but a happy drinker… always laughing and shaking hands…… even when he's on his own!

When he's drunk you can tell when he's talking rubbish….… his lips are moving!
Ladies and gents, the Groom is a man of vision…… sometimes blurred, sometimes double!

He's been described as lazy, selfish, arrogant and insensitive…… and let's face it, a mother should know!
I know his dad is proud of him.… he looks upon him as the son he never had!!!!

THE STAG NIGHT
Well, the Stag Do went down a storm! Now infamously known as “The Stag in Prague”, nine of the boys, including Jim Wilson, headed off to the Czech Republic for a two night stay in the capital.

Of course, we were going there purely on a sight-seeing adventure to look at the Gothic architecture, experience the dark culture and also to visit the red-light district.
In fact it reminded us all of Bathgate!

I don't want to dwell on the Stag Weekend too much as my lawyer isn't present but I will say this.
I've always wondered why Colin actually wanted to become an accountant and it was while we were on his Stag that I found the answer. It's because he takes a very keen interest in figures! Women's figures!
He was so engrossed by the lap dancers, that as we speak I'm actually having a podium and a pole installed in his own living room!! Everyone's invited by the way!

THE NEWLY WEDS
So what about the newly weds then?
Apparently their eyes met in a club called ‘Room at the Top’ in Bathgate but I think this was around the time when Linsey had a bad squint!
Linsey's told me that Colin is a die-hard romantic. Who else would go down on one knee and propose in a beautiful restaurant in Cyprus? By the way, Colin told me that he was only bending down at the time to tie up his shoelaces!
Never mind, we're all here now!!

Who would believe it? Six years down the line and they are doing well for themselves and seem to be enjoying life staying in Emmerdale.… sorry Armadale!

Colin says that Lynsey is great in the kitchen, but she says that it must stop as she keeps getting skelves in her back off the wooden floor!!

When I first met Lynsey I got the impression of a beautiful, caring, thoughtful and clever person. But she ruined this by agreeing to marry Colin!
However, I feel that marriage will make Colin a better person. It will teach him consideration of others, self-control and sharing, and will develop in him a sense of fair play and many other useless qualities he wouldn't need if he remained single!

I remember once he said to me “If I get married it will be to someone with small feet”.
“Why small feet?” I asked……“So she can get closer to the sink!” he replied.

I sincerely hope their first night as a married couple runs smoothly. After all, Colin is a bit naive when it comes to matters of a sexual nature. He believes Mutual Climax is an insurance company; he thinks coq-au-vin is sex in the back of a lorry and he reckons the menopause is a button on his DVD player!

I firmly believe communication is important for a successful marriage, so here are a few female phrases for Colin to look out for and their proper meanings; “We need” means…”I want”. “Is my bum big?” means…”Tell me I'm beautiful”. “Do you love me?” means…”I'm going to ask for something expensive”.

And male phrases for Lynsey to look out for; “I'm hungry” means…”I'm hungry.” I'm tired” means…”I'm tired”. “Nice dress” means…”Fancy some nookie?” and “Do you want to go to the movies?” means “Fancy some nookie?”

Speaking of nookie, have I not mentioned the new addition to the family? As we all know they now have a beautiful baby boy called Sam and he obviously gets his good looks from his mum but I haven't seen the father yet!! No, I'm only kidding as wee Sam is definitely a X, because every time I see him he's holding a bottle to his mouth!

I will offer them this advice; when you are both on your Honeymoon at the Adams Beach Hotel in Cyprus, please, please, remember to always use protection.… especially if you are on the beach, so make sure you pack the sun tan lotion as it can be very warm there just now!

CARDS
I'll now read out a few cards from well-wishers;
-{Real Card}
– To Colin, Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you have made the right choice. All my love, Michael Barrymore.
– {Real Card}
– Linsey, you are up to the credit limit on your store card. Please make a payment immediately. That one's from Anne Summers.
– {Real Card}
-To Colin, Don't forget us now you're married, please renew your membership next year. Lots of love, All the girls at the Darlings Strip Club, Prague.

FAMOUS LAST WORDS
On such special occasions it's traditional to leave the Bride and Groom some pearls of wisdom:

Linsey, always remember that men are like fine wine… they start out like grapes and it's your job to stamp all over them until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with!

Colin, the best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once!
Make sure you set the ground rules and establish who's boss… and then do everything Linsey tells you.

And take heed of this old Irish saying; “What you tie with your tongue, you can't undo with your teeth”.

On a sincere note, I'm sure everyone will agree that they both make a fantastic couple and I know that Baby Sam has a great future ahead of him as he is very much loved by two affectionate parents. Not only do I consider Colin more like a brother but he has also been a great friend to me over the years. I'd like to say a big thank you to Colin and Linsey for asking me to be their Best Man today, as it has indeed been a privilege to carry out such an honour.

TOAST
And finally, Ladies and Gentlemen, with great pleasure may I ask you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to the Bride & Groom… the new Mr & Mrs X.
We wish you both great happiness and all the very best in this new chapter in your new life together and may your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.… To Colin & Linsey.