Speech by Danny May

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Danny May
Speech Date: oct 2004
CAN EVERYONE HEAR ME?

Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, for those that don't know me, my name is Danny

I'd like to start by thanking Bill and Nick for their kind words, even though Nick's words about me were unfounded and untrue.

Also it's good to see Mo, Sandra and Tom with smiles on their faces today, considering all worry they've had to endure over the last couple of months.

A big thank you to the ushers Paul, Shaun and Ben for a job well done today. Especially considering they all have difficulty with the alphabet and their left and right. So I'm glad everyone was sent to the correct place in the church.

I'm sure everyone agrees that the Maid of Honour, Tash, and the bridesmaids Donna, Lydia and Sadie look absolutely stunning today. Tash and Donna have performed her duties outstandingly, it can't have been easy dragging Sadie to the church … especially considering she knew what the outcome would be.

I am sure you will also agree that the church ceremony went very well, so, although not here, a big thank you to Father Dealy who performed his duties splendidly. As have our harpist, John and our wandering magician Mark.

I'm surprised your not out there yourself Nick.

I would also like thank you to all of you for making an effort to spruce yourselves up for today, I must say some of you ‘don't scrub up too bad’

Read Telegrams and messages

I have never made a best man's speech before so I am going to try and make it short so as not to bore everyone. <Bring out ream of A4 paper>

I have done quite a bit of research towards this speech today, and being in IT I decided to look on the Internet. After a while, I finally found some really good stuff…but it had nothing to do with being a best man.

Anyway during my research I looked into the 3 key elements of the Wedding Ceremony and they are as follows:

The Aisle – it's the supposed to be the longest, most memorable walk a bride will ever take.

The Altar – the place where 2 become 1

The Hymn – the songs in celebration of the marriage vows and the newly weds.

I think Sadie may have also read the same article, because as she took her place beside Nick today, I swear I heard her muttering "Aisle Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn".

No seriously though, the purpose of the best man's speech, or so I've heard, is to embarrass the Groom…well he has a small willy and ginger hair and a white suit and I think that is embarrassing enough.

I have also heard there is supposed to be an element of comedy in a best man's speech, so I hope you don't mind, but I brought a couple of props just in case I fall flat

on my face.<take prop from hiding place> So if this speech goes wayward with the comedy, please feel free to refer back to this at any time, so that at least you can say in the future, there were some funny bits <reveal A0 poster of Nick, Ginger boof school boy, hang it!>.

I have known Nick since we were at school together, about 18 years and believe me if I were to tell you all the side splittingly funny stories about him we would be here all night!……besides, most of them I couldn't tell you for fear of arrest and the majority of the rest for fear of reprisal.

I decided to ask a few others for stories and anecdotes about Nick and I found out that at school, he was an ideal pupil, who excelled in most subjects.<pause>……Sorry that should have read: "He was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjects"!

Another reminded me that Nick is the biggest joker and trickster we know! Many times have I fallen foul to his pranks. Bangers under pints, caps in the ends of cigarettes or remote control farting machines.

Whether it is magic tricks to strangers in pubs or telling stories to crowds of people beer gardens. Nick always comes up with the funny stuff or the stuff to entertain.

I remember once at about the age of 12-13. Nick, myself and a guy named Matt had just spent the night in Nick's front room watching MTV ‘til the early hours and sleeping head to toe in the fold out sofa bed. There was nothing saucy going on I hasten to add! <heckling from the audience, bring out megaphone to out shout them> On our way home, Nick grabbed the sleeping bag from Matt and with Matt's permission, unrolled it, and proceeded to put the sleeping bag, upside down over Matt's head. So his feet were out of the bottom…this was in the middle of main Heavitree!!

Suffice to say, after numerous angry car horn's, offended pedestrians and a few wrestling moves later. We had laughed so much, Matt actually had a little bit of wee, soaking his trouser leg.

Nick carried on this sort of childish behaviour until…well he hasn't really stopped yet!

And so in 1995 Nick finally bowed to Sadie's advances. Not that he had much choice. He would come home from a good Saturday night out and there she would be, sat on the end of his bed waiting for him. And after he had specifically told Danny not to let her in.

Since then they have been parachuting together, Nick has held on for dear life while Sadie flew a plane and no doubt they will have some more adventures in store.

I know Nick must have taken this seriously because just a few months ago I noticed that he had got his ear pierced. So Nick, with his new gold and diamond stud earring was, perhaps even back then preparing for marriage, experiencing pain, hurt and buying jewellery.

And so…one day I get a phone call from the Ginger man himself.

“I'm gonna ask Sadie to marry me, and I need your help”

So one Sunday, I get the call. We have to go down to Exmouth, where Sadie has been taken by the rest of her family, blissfully unaware of proceeding events.

The breeze was gently blowing, at GAIL FORCE 8 and the rain was pouring so hard we had to drive with our heads out the window like Ace Ventura ‘cos the windscreen wipers wouldn't go fast enough. Nick couldn't have chosen a better day. It was so windy that the white officer's uniform that he had hired for the occasion looked as though it was body paint as we stood 45° into the wind. He had also hired a plane with a banner but it was so windy the plane couldn't take off. After much persuasion he called it off to my relief.

“If you're gonna do it, do it right” I proclaimed.

And sure enough the next week, Nick hired the bridal suite at the Barcelona Hotel, decked the room out in flowers, adorned his Naval Officer uniform and wandered down to reception with the biggest bouquet in the world (I should know, I was carrying it and I almost fell down the stairs, ‘cos I couldn't see over the top), and said “Sadie…I may not be an officer but I'll always be your gentleman…will you marry me?”

And so the rest is history!

I was going to say something about the stag do that we embarked upon back in May. 17 lads in Amsterdam. I wanted to say it was unforgettable, but I was so drunk I can't remember anything!

So, on a more serious note now, over the years Nick has been extremely generous, trustworthy, funny, helpful, caring and all in all one of the best mates a man could ask for. Not only for me but for many others of you in this room aswell.

And I would just like to say “Thank you, Nick” for bestowing this honour of being best man upon me”. <raise glass at Nick>

I know he had a choice of many, of which he managed to whittle down to three! Unfortunately for me, I was the only one who could read and write! So I landed the job. “SORRY” Ben & Shaun.

I feel very honoured to have accepted this duty, but I feel that the word BESTMAN…for me, is probably the wrong description. I think that Nick is the BESTMAN here today…and he's also married the BEST WOMAN and I'm sure you'll all agree they make the BEST COUPLE.

I wish you both many, many more happy years together!

So would you all please stand, charge your glasses and toast the happy couple; NICK & SADIE.