Speech by Darren Bellamy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Darren Bellamy
Speech Date: Jun 2002
Ladies and Gentlemen
Firstly, I would like to congratulate Fred on a fine speech. It was certainly quite a bit shorter than the 3 hours he took when he was best man at my wedding last year.
Whilst preparing for this speech I was advised that it should last about as long as it takes me to make love…
well thank you very much for coming
(sit down).
Firstly I would like to thank Fred and Wilma for arranging the wedding for a Friday to avoid any clash with the football. It does go to prove though just how little Fred knows about football. Not only does he support Blackburn Rovers but I am sure he also failed to realise that the football season finished 3 weeks ago. Obviously for Rovers it finished in February.
For those who don't know me I am Barney, would you like a drink. Later in the bar, please don't hesitate to call me by my full name.
I have known Fred since 1992 when we met whilst working in Peterborough. More on that later…

Fred Barry Flintstone was born on the 18 May 1971.
This was, by coincidence, the same year as Gary Barlow, Stan Collymore and Ewan McGregor.
Record of the year was Simon and Garfunkel – Bridge over troubled water, and a vote for Sports personality of the year was given to Princess Anne!! Enough said I think ………
Fred was 6lb 4oz at birth and was the second child born to complete the Flintstone family.

Fred you are a lucky man marrying Wilma today, she deserves a good husband, but unfortunately you got to her before she had a chance to find one!!!

As they say a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married.

Let me tell you a story at the last wedding I was at there was a priest and a minister present.
When they brought the drinks round for the toast, the minister said " I'll have a large whisky "
where as the priest replied " No alcohol for me I'd rather go with a scarlet woman "
so the minister put his drink back and said " sorry I didn't know there was a choice. "
NOW I don't want to offend anyone so if there is a priest or a minister present I apologise,
and if there is a scarlet woman here, I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes

How did me and Fred meet you may be asking yourselves. We met while we were both young, free and could sing the high notes at the offices of Norwich and Peterborough building Society where we both worked. Fred had joined the I.T. department and I worked for the Salaries department for the first year or so, we only met when I took the decision to move to the fast paced world of I.T. having checked out the wages for everywhere else!!

We were both very innocent then, which is probably why we quickly became friends, we spent many nights drinking and chasing the ladies, in fact Fred was so cool in those days that he drove an Astra GTE. This proved to be much fun for a couple of lads in their late teens and Fred proceeded to scare me whit less with his driving skills (or lack of).

Fred was so proud of his Astra, I was surprised he didn't turn up in one today…

As our friendship grew we switched from Astra GTE's to marathon Sensible soccer sessions.

It was sometime during this period that Fred told me his darkest secret (LOOK AT FRED) he was a closet Little House on the Prairie fan. In particular he had a crush on one of the female members of the cast.

So to fulfil all of Freds dreams on his wedding night I have acquired a bonnet which I am sure Wilma will be only too pleased to wear for him (PRESENT THE BONNET TO WILMA).

Soon after this Fred moved back up North as he was missing the watered down beer and the good weather.

It was a true sign of our friendship though that we kept in touch and even spent a rowdy week away in Cyprus where I learnt 2 more important things about Fred.

Never let him drink home made Raki as it turns his face bright red, makes him smoke through his t-shirt and causes him to have a hangover that lasts for two days.

The other thing I learnt was after a particularly drunken night out which ended in us all skinny-dipping in the apartment pool. There is more than a little truth in the “little Fredny” rumours.

Of course we are much older and a lot more sensible now and so on a recent snow-boarding holiday we took earlier this year there is No way that someone of Freds age would attempt a jump and somersault on only his fifth day doing the sport.

Even more there is absolutely no way Fred would ask anyone to take photos of it .… And of course when it all went wrong and he ended up on his bum…red faced again…THERE IS NO WAY his best man would arrange to put those photos onto a t-shirt AND present that t-shirt to Fred on his wedding day in front of all his friends and family … NO WAY AT ALL … (Present Fred the t-shirt)

On a sincere note I would like to thank Fred for asking me to be his best man today, it has been a true honour. I would also like to thank Wilma for letting him ask me!!

When I agreed to be Freds best man I knew it required responsibility, something I didn't take lightly-so I searched on the internet for a check list to make sure I knew what I was supposed to do.
Firstly it stated help the groom dress. I'm sorry but I think he should be able to do that himself by now,
Secondly ensure the groom uses the toilet before the service. I know I'm his friend but we're not that close.
Thirdly make sure his shoes are tied, his flies done up, his hair combed, face washed and teeth brushed. At this point I was thinking maybe his mum should've been best man.
I ALSO DID A SEARCH FOR FAMOUS Fred Flintstones – There are none. The only person I could find was Roger Fred Flintstone. But I am sure we all know that story. Of course he is a liberal democrat MP for Sandwell and not a well-known member of the cottaging industry like our Fred. However in the last election he was a loser so there are similarities between the two. SUK MY BALLZ

I couldn't let you go today without first mentioning a little something from the stag event. Now as Fred wished it to be a low-key affair, I respected his wishes and we stayed away from all of the usual places frequented by Stag nights. So we DIDN'T go to any pubs or lap dancing bars. I won't go into detail as the law of the stag forbids it, but on the Friday night in Reed, all the men managed to lose their boxer shorts and I believe that they turned up on Wilma's hen night. So on behalf of all the men who lost their shorts I would like to ask for them back!!

Finally on behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank everyone for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances to be here. As a wise man (or woman) once said, “You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person you cannot live without”. It now gives me great pleasure to ask you to be upstanding and to raise your glasses in a toast.
We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and fruitful marriage.
Fred and Wilma.