Speech by Darren Boylan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Darren Boylan
Speech Date: mar 2003

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, I'm the best man – yes that is literally and not just in title. I'll try to keep this short. In fact in planning this speech, Mark gave me a list of topics I couldn't cover, so there goes most of the speech, but I knew I could rely on Paul for some anecdotes which although he dutifully supplied after reading them I realised were of no use in polite company.

First of all on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Mark for his kind sentiments and I think everybody would agree that they look gorgeous. I must say they have done a splendid job so far in making today a very special event. And of course doesn't Michelle look magnificent? What a fantastic dress, and how lovely she looks, Mark you are a lucky man!

Somebody more philosophical than me once said that being asked to be a best man is like being asked to snog the Queen – It's a great honour but no one really wants to do it.
When Mark asked me to be best man I was a little surprised. But on reflection it was logical. I've known Mark for about 6 years, and based his current age, that puts nearly 30 years of stories into a locker that I can't open!
I'd just like to first thank Sue for lending me a book which had a chapter entitled ‘The Best Man Checklist’, which I brought with me today. I must confess I was mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:
Bring a chequebook or credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten" – which knowing Mark will be all of them, so I brought me dad instead who always bails me out in these situations
Help the groom dress" – thanks, but no…if he hasn't learned by now…
Ensure that the groom:
uses the toilet (again, no, I refuse);
his shoes are tied;
his face and hair are ‘in order’ (God didn't put them in order first time round, so what chance do I have?);
has nothing's between his teeth (or is that his ears??); and
that his trouser fly is done up…"
Mmmm… Perhaps his mum should have been best man.
See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay" – I should think most of them will be far from angry, probably out celebrating…
Bring a zip-up bag with the following items for emergencies:
Aspirin, antacid, deodorant, valium (Mark and I have already finished most of those in the pub beforehand) toothpaste, and a big black magic marker pen".
I did actually bring one of those, because it says here I have to, but if anyone knows what it's for, please tell me because I'm dying to know…
Make a speech to the bride and groom."
Now I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I'd get locked in a nice little room to talk to them for a while, and maybe have a cup of tea, so I'm a little upset to now find I have to do it in front of 60 odd people. And yes some of you are very odd. Still, must press on…
The book also states that the key is to find a Best Man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems." Well that ruled out Paul so I was the next logical choice
Mark and Michelle had a rather Frantic Start to the week in which Mark asked Michelle if she new where the Passports were. Of course I do she replied they are in the Kitchen Draw with all the important paper work. Birth Certificates, Decree Nisi etc. After spending about 10 mins pulling the Kitchen apart Mark could not locate them. It would appear that they were indeed in the Kitchen Draw but the draw they were in had been ripped out and replaced some months earlier.
I am not sure if they got the passports sorted out but Me and Fitzy have brought ours just in case and are more than willing to pose as Mr & Mrs Fairbanks for a couple of weeks in the sun. We will also see Linda's wedding present is put to good use as you cant spend Euros in Wales
Mark was born on the 28 Jan 1967.Looking at him now it's not too big a stretch of your imagination for you to accept that frankly he was an ugly baby. It is indeed a little known fact that Mark was nearly called Friday, as Bill turned to Linda after he was born and said, ” I think we'd better call it a day!”
As I said he was born in 1967 the same year that Elvis and Precilla married, and the First Heart Transplant was carried out it was also the year before Kodak launched their instamatic camera which brings me to the time when Mark and Michelle were out shopping for a trendy new Digital Camera, they spent some time looking around various shops for the perfect Camera and eventually set their mind on one. Just prior to Purchasing the camera Mark turns to Michelle and says “Should we get some Film for this camera Now”. It took about an hour for the fact that Digital Cameras don't use film to sink into his skull.
Before I make the toast, I have a few words of wisdom I'd like to pass on.
To Michelle: If you love something, set it free, If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.
To Mark: The key to a long and happy marriage it to remember those three little words; You're right dear!
I'd like to wish you a very happy marriage, and I hope you have a great honeymoon, which I'm told is that period between ‘I do’ and ‘You'd better’.

So if you could all raise your Glasses
Here's to love, laughter
and happily ever after.
As Mark and Michelle start their new life,
Let's toast the new husband and wife!
To Mr & Mrs Fairbanks
The Bride and Groom