Speech by Darren Close

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Darren Close
Speech Date: oct 2004
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, firstly I will take this opportunity to thank you all for coming and joining **** and ***** in their wonderful celebration. Especially those that have traveled long distances.

Now my speech, in the interest of public decency and political correctness will contain nothing embarrassing or controversial and will only be on the nice and pleasant side of *****, so that's the end of my speech. Thank you and good night.

Seriously, I have heard several best man speeches in the last few years and they all seem to blatantly and disgracefully set out to demolish the character of the groom. Frankly, I can see no reason why my speech should be any different!

On a serious note, I must now thank **** on behalf of ***** and ******* for his kind words. I would also like to say that they looked breathtaking and did a marvellous job!! I don't know how on earth they managed to dragged ***** to the church, kicking and screaming without even putting a hair out of place!

I'll just introduce myself to those who are lucky enough not to know me. I am ******. Those that do know me may be surprise over ***** choice as I am not known for my subtlety. Especially after that infamous night in the ******t Balti and Tandoori in ********, but that is a story I will not go into……… I have known **** for just over 7 years, so perhaps that is why he chose me as his best man as that leaves 21 years of his life that I know nothing about………or so **** thinks!!!!!! **** and I joined ************* together and **** came to my rescue by providing a roof over my head. This was in the form of his Grandparents caravan on a campsite in Weymouth. We lived the gypsy life style selling lucky heather and tarmac-ing drives in our spare time.

I must say and I am sure you will all agree, that ***** looks stunning and Marks first site of ***** in her dress is one that will stay with him for the rest of his life. **** has also scrubbed up well today and I must take some of the credit for that. My duties started for proper last night when we went out for a curry and a few beers. I made sure that Mark didn't drink too much and got an early night. I can confidently say that he slept like a baby……….Woke up every hour crying for his mum, mum, mum, mum and ended up wetting the bed.

Moving on I will introduce **** to those who don't know him. Now for this I have made numerous phone calls and gained exclusive copies of Marks school and work reports.

******************* was born around 2.30pm on *** October 1975 at Winchester Hospital weighing in at 6lb 15oz to very happy parents **** and ****. **** was ecstatic with his new born son and thrilled with his near mirror likeness ……well that was until the midwife told him he was holding **** upside down!!!

**** had a relatively uneventful childhood and whilst researching my speech the common expression used was Goody Goody. It appears that this man grew up without putting a foot out of place………… or so it seemed. I heard how **** aged 7 placed ***** aged 2 at one end of the dining room table. He moved a chair away from the table at the other end, to act as the goalie!!! He then returned to *** and pushed him with all his might towards the awaiting chair. Imagine this youngster's smile as he heard the sonic boom as *** whizzed across the table and disappeared over the edge with a resounding crash. Now poor *** wasn't exactly over the moon with his part in ****** experiment, he took a nasty landing and can still be seen to date holding his manhood and wincing in agony.

At school **** was described as a very helpful and cheerful little boy, not bad for a 6th former.

Now at school **** appears to have been generally a good pupil. Although his reports state he needs to improve his oral skills where he displays lots of effort but little quality.

Home Economics
A good term, works well especially with the oven…….(There *****, he'll make a good wife).

Music
**** takes a very hands on approach to music, but I wish he would join a band rather than playing with his organ by himself.

His after school interests were Cubs, Scouts and then Venture scouts. On a serious note **** had some notable achievements and not least obtaining the Queens Scout award, receiving this from royalty.

This man is a very accomplished organiser, again this is highlighted in his school reports, but not everyone takes notice of him. This very resourceful young man arranged a village parade and took charge at the head of the parade. He started off with the usual PARADE, PARADE BY THE LEFT QUICK MARCH. Off sets Mark only to discover a few steps later that the rest of the parade is still stood around chatting and smoking fags. This little set back never put him off organising events. Again he arranged a charity event with the local cubs and scouts. This was in the form of a fund raising cycle ride around the Isle of Wight. In true team spirit **** joined in…………………… from the back, and in his car!!

Now moving onto his working career. I have used some extracts from several of Mark's Annual performance reviews.

Communication
Communicates well and regularly with all FEMALES either in person or via the telephone, offering to visit them with regular updates.

Self Motivation
A very positively motivated individual who is always willing to sacrifice his time to speak to females.

Work Standards
He works constantly and industriously to maintain the minimum amount of work.

Day to day planning
**** has only just realised there are seven different days of the week, five of which should be working days.

Time Keeping
Works some form of flexi time, rolls in anytime he likes usually between 8.30 and 9.

His overall performance was rated 1 (low) significant areas of weakness, training and development needs to be identified.

Now those that know **** know him as quite the social animal, but hasn't quite got the ability to handle the amount of alcohol he takes in. He is known for telling senior officers where they can go, being sick over the very historic HMS Victory (earning himself yet another award, a life time ban) and having to be dragged or carried home, sometimes in a semi naked state.

Now to look at **** you may find this hard to believe but this man had actually successfully completed the London marathon. He finished in 4hrs 30mins although his official certificate states his time as 4hrs 49mins.

Now I wasn't going to mention the Stag weekend, but unfortunately some of the lads wanted souvenirs of the weekend.

***** managed to get this sexy little thong from Angel from For Your Eyes Only. (hold up a little thong)

*****, and don't ask how, but managed to get these from Duncan from Blue. (hold up a pair of y fronts)

The beloved groom got these from Winnifred who he met at Bingo, seems Old Winny really loved ***** dress!!!!! (hold up a pair of old ladies bloomers)

But seriously, one of the most moving events, as the lads will agree, of the weekend was of **** finally coming to terms with his cross-dressing. Never have I seen make up so expertly applied after numerous Jack Daniels and coke. He even managed to pull, but I don't really think that short fat balding men are ****** thing. I have also learned that **** has a thing for dressing as a woman with his preference as one of ********* Angels.

Moving onto how we ended up here today. **** and ***** met through work and their friendship quickly grew into lust followed by love. Now as you will notice this pair cannot keep their hands off each other or bear to be further than arm length away. If they are apart they keep in contact thanks to the wonders of mobile phones and text messaging. ***** is a very accomplished texter. He has been known to text his beloved whilst ********** to ********* calls. On one memorable occasion he was at the scene of a ******** dispute. This incident had three very volatile brothers but this did not deter **** from texting his loved one. His back up observed **** stood in the hallway, left arm out palm up, holding the brothers off whilst he sent a text message to *****. Now during the Saturday night of the Stag weekend **** sent ***** over 40 texts in just one evening!!! So, it's no surprise that his right and left thumbs twitch involuntarily when not holding his phone.

**** proposed to ***** whilst the pair were on holiday in the states. **** wanted to make sure that ***** would not refused his proposal of marriage. To guarantee a yes he decided to take ****** to the Grand Canyon, whilst hanging ***** by her ankles over the edge of the deepest part of the Canyon he romantically popped the question. It was no surprise that ***** replied with a resounding YES!! Now please let me down!!!!!

Now as you can tell **** and ***** wedding differs from the norm. What with **** having 3 best men and a female Vicar, which is still a rare site in these modern times. In a quiet moment before the ceremony I had a quick chat with the Reverend *************** and was surprised with her modern and open view to marriage. We got talking about the sensitive subject of sex before marriage. I was astounded by her views. ****** said she didn't mind as long as the vestry curtains remained closed at all times and it didn't delay the service.

**** I am sure that after all those months of stress from organising this day you released that it was all down to a few mumbled words in the church and you were married and it will take only a few mumbled words in your sleep and you will be divorced.

I now have a few congratulations to read out from absent friends.

Firstly from ************** the *************** of ****************. I must admit I am a little confused with this one, it reads “ well done, all the best with your future together”. What was difficult to understand was why there was a plumbers bill inside which was for the replacement of a shower cubical tray in the female showers at ******** ****** station.

Next another congratulation that confused me. This one was from the Landlord of the White Horse Pub, Chichester. Again the usual “Congratulations and wishing you all the happiness you deserve” This card again also contained an invoice. This time it was for a new picnic table for the pub garden.

You'll all be glad to hear that I am coming to the end of my speech, but just before I go I need the happy couple to participate, so please ***** put your hand on the table, now mark put your hand on top of ******. Enjoying that Dude? You should be….It's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand in this relationship.

*****, before I go I must point out something about ***** that you should be wary of, firstly he repays people's hospitality by farting on their pillow before leaving. We went paint balling during the Stag weekend, with ***** and I on the same team, whilst I was covering ***** back he was busy shooting me in mine. so take these words about your new husband and never forget them

To finish off a few genuine kind words from me.

**** you have been a good friend and I wish you and ***** all the happiness and good health you wish.

May your love be added
May it never be subtracted
May your household multiply
And may your hearts never be divided.

Finally live each day as if it were your last and enjoy each night as though it were your first.

Ladies and gentleman please be upstanding and joining me in wishing **** and ***** a heart felt best wishes for the future – the bride and groom.