Speech by Darren Graham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Darren Graham
Speech Date: Jun2003
Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls – Ste's friends.

My name is Darren and I am the unfortunate soul who has been asked to act as Best Man for the day. I must confess this is a bit nerve-racking and I can honestly say that this is about the 4th time today I‘ve stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

I would just like to start by making a quick thank you and to pass on a message from the hotel management:

First, I'd just like to thank British Home Stores for supplying the suits, I was really surprised by how good they look! It's nice to see that Ste has remained loyal to his favourite clothes shop!

Secondly, the hotel manager has requested, for reasons of health and safety, at the end of this speech you refrain from getting up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation! Thank you!

Ladies and Gentleman, I've been asked here today to praise Ste, not to ridicule him…mind you, I must say, the vote was bloody close!

I think it's much more difficult to praise and only right to ridicule so I'd like to thank Ste for providing me with so much good material over the years to work with.

(Having said this, Ste did spend most of his Stag Weekend telling me what I was and wasn't allowed to discuss so unfortunately I am unable to mention disused airfields in Devon, Geriatric hospital wards, specimen bottles and Flossy the sheep!)

Before we slaughter, sorry reminisce, about Ste I would just like to thank him for his kind words on behalf of our Chief Bridesmaid for the day, Megan. I am sure you will all agree that she looks absolutely gorgeous today and has carried out the duties of ensuring that the bride arrives here on time and cured of all her wedding day nerves.

Out of interest how many vodka and cokes did it take?

Wasn't the ceremony fantastic, Ladies and Gentleman? Lesley and Megan looked gorgeous, the setting is beautiful and everything was just perfect. But it has only just occurred to me that last year when I was talking with Lesley about her future wedding day she said that she hoped for a simple wedding. I thought she meant the ceremony and reception but now I realise she meant the bridegroom!

About two days after I accepted Stephen's very kind invitation to be his Best Man, I received an email from him detailing all that he expected me to do. These are examples of what Ste wanted in his best man!

Firstly, to bring a cheque book or credit card to cover any payments which the groom may have forgotten, sorry mate my card only has a £3,000 limit

Help the groom to dress, and can you believe it, we still came dressed the same, I told you I was wearing this!

Ensure that the groom:

Uses the toilet – sorry but if he does not know after 29 years.…

Has his face and hair in order – what hair and the face is beyond help

Ensure all ex-girlfriends are kept at bay. I am reliably informed that Flossy is out grazing at the moment, blissfully unaware that you are getting married and all the others were lost during the foot and mouth epidemic a couple of years ago.

Have the second dance of the evening with the chief bridesmaid, were you aware of that? Still, better not cheat tradition.

Finally, make a speech to the bride and groom – it said nothing about you lot being here too, but still the show must go on as they say!

In preparing today's notes, Ladies and Gentleman, I found a rather ancient book with many different definitions relating to marriage, I'd like to read you a few.

The aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The altar – the place where 2 become 1
Hymn – the celebration of the marriage

I'm thinking that Lesley must have read the same book, ‘cos as she walked passed, I'm sure I heard her whispering "Aisle, Altar, Hymn, Aisle, Altar, Hymn"

For those who don't know, Ste was born on 17th June 1974. It was quite a monumental week and not just because Stephen was born. I was speaking with Chris earlier this week and she told me that Ste was so ugly when he was born that she suffered from morning sickness for 12 weeks after the birth. Apart from Ste's birth, that week will always be remembered for the number 1 hit single being a song by Ray Steven's called The Streak – oh how appropriate that proved to be! Just as well he wasn't born a week later – Gary Glitter was no.1!

Other points of interest from 1974 include:

The invention of disposable plastic razors by Gillette – just as well, have you seen Ste's back!

There was the introduction of a three day week throughout Great Britain – and Ste has stuck rigidly to this practice ever since!

There was free family planning on the NHS – well, have some free family planning on your best man in 2003! (Asprin to Lesley)

Scientists prove that CFCs destroy the ozone layer – but it never stopped Ste tucking into those tasty pieces of tender chicken!

And finally, Kate Moss was born – I definitely couldn't find a link between you and Kate!

I would say that Ste's childhood is one of mixed fortunes. A talented pupil in the classroom (useless out of it), Ste excelled in his school work, particularly the sciences, and proved himself to be a talented geologist which is the technical name given to the geeky hobby of collecting stones, giving them pet names and taking them home to put on your mantle piece.

A musical child too, he did have a skill for playing the French Horn. He learned to hold his instrument from a very early age, you know!

However, it wasn't always as good as that. Ste was an adolescent with a bad hairstyle and a flasher Mac. He was also regularly picked on and beaten up by the more trendy folk in the playground, but that's teachers for you.

It's perhaps a stroke of luck that we are all here today and it is because of one man's leniency that we are. We all know that Ste is academically gifted, a Doctor no less but so was Dr Who and Harold Shipman and look what happened to them.

Anyway, he might not have had all of those letters after his name and consequently met Lesley, had he not sat his GCSE's which he was very nearly prevented from doing.…

It was a warm spring evening in May 1990. It was the School spring show rehearsals and Ste, myself and possibly one or two other guests here today dressed up as hippies to perform the Guns n’ Roses classic Patience. Some of us had to make the effort to look like hippies but it seemed to come rather naturally to Ste.

Fed up of the school swot image, Ste decided to rebel and boy how he rebelled.

Call it a sudden rush of blood to the head or simply a release of nerves and energy, Ste, inexplicably, charged out of the school building and into the car park and took a 100m sprint…towards the Head of Lower school's brand new H registered VW Polo (1.1). He ran like the wind and jumped onto the bonnet and kept running over the roof and jumped off the back.

Ste was popular for the first time. A hero to hundreds of school idiots and a criminal to the Head of Lower School, Mr Teesdale. Unfortunately, there was no shortage of witnesses willing to testify that the size 8 indent on the roof of Mr Teesdale's car was put there by that clown!

I can exclusively reveal this afternoon that had it not been for me and my diplomatic, behind the scenes negotiations, Mr Teesdale would have expelled Stephen and prevented him from sitting his GCSE's later that month. Instead, I agreed that Mr Teesdale was allowed a 5 minute tuck-in in his office and banned him from performing at the Spring Show in return for him sitting his exams.

For this I believe that I am entitled to at least 10% of your future earnings??

Although this was in the last few weeks of his school education, this was not the last time that Ste brought Northfield School into disrepute. Northfield, up until 1990, had a 100% record of their pupils achieving A Grades in German.

Until Ste sat his German GCSE that is. What happened Ste?? I believe that he is to this day the only person not to achieve a grade A in German at Northfield! I think they may have regretted letting him sit his GCSEs after all.

Stephen has become somewhat of a legend in Billingham and is renowned amongst those who know and love him, and a lot more that don't, for his incredibly tiny..…

Bladder!

I am sorry to break this news to you on your wedding day, Lesley!

Ladies and Gentleman, Ste's bladder is the size of a walnut, a very small walnut.

Now, Ste has always been fond of a drink or ten but as the years have gone by he has found it rather difficult to get a lift home from the pub for fear of a 5 minute drive taking 45 minutes because of all the toilet breaks required.

This child's bladder has got Ste into a bit of bother over the years but I am not here to tell you about all the times Ste has wet himself after a night on the town….however there was one time.…

Back in 1996 Ste and I had worked all summer long labouring at the Billingham Folklore Festival to afford a lads holiday abroad. What a holiday that was, eh? (looking at Ste) It was going to be like one of those late night SKY One TV programmes, Ibiza Uncovered or The Villa – that sort of thing. All the lads went. There was me and Ste and.… Well that was it really!

We went to Falaraki in Rhodes and in cool style, Ste's mum dropped us off at Newcastle Aiport for our fortnight of debauchery to start. Once we checked in we made off to the bar where we started drinking.

Ste must have had half a pint before he got to the toilet for the first time. We had a few more and Ste went to the Gents a few more times too! Just as we were about to board the plane Ste decided that he was going to make one last visit to relieve himself. Now, I know what you're thinking – " did he miss the plane?" No he didn't he made it back in time.… Just!

We boarded the plane and took to our seats. I made myself comfortable but I could tell Ste wasn't quite right but we sat there all the same and waited for take off as the Trolley Dollies came round to check that our seatbelts were fastened and our seats were in an upright position.

The plane then proceeded to taxi down the runway in preparation for take off but Ste was still looking like he was sat on a thistle. The plane then did its final thrust for take off and started picking up speed.

Just at the point that the plane was taking off, Ste promptly undid his seatbelt and jumped out of his seat and made down the aisle towards the toilet. That's right Ste needed to point Percy at the bowl at the very moment the plane was at a 45° angle! Either that or it was a cunning excuse for three pretty flight attendants to jump all over him and restrain him!

I don't think he was allowed to drink on the flight after that!

The holiday was not quite as debaucherous as perhaps Ste had hoped. But I think this is perhaps due to the fact there was just the two of us!

I got the impression we weren't exactly going to be a hit with the girls when the first morning after our arrival we found that the housemaids had pushed our beds together!

Having said this our reputation was not enhanced by the fact Ste constantly insisted that I rubbed suntan lotion into his back every 30 minutes. That looked really macho!

Come to think of it, I am not surprised that Ste has had to move to the other side of the country to find a woman that was not aware of his reputation.

Happily, as we all know, the lovely Lesley came into his life and today, seeing Stephen with his wonderful bride, I realise what a good choice he has made.…

I really admire his taste.…

Which is more than I can say for hers!

It's at this point that I'd like to offer my thanks to Mr & Mrs Fear, Mrs Bryan and Stephen and Lesley on behalf of all the guests for the hospitality we've enjoyed this afternoon.

Before the toasts I believe it is customary for the best man to give the bride and groom a few words of wisdom on married bliss.

Now, I cannot pretend to be an expert on this subject and I doubt that any man can, but nevertheless I have found some words of wisdom, which I would like to share with you.

To Lesley…

If you love something set it free

If it comes back it was and will always be yours

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

And to Ste…

Perhaps the most sound advice of all, remember always the three little words that women like to hear… You're right dear.

Finally, I would just like to read a few cards from those who couldn't be here today.

Dear Lesley,

Good luck on your wedding day, I hope you spend many happy years together. But I will always wonder what might have happened had things worked out differently between us.

Love George Clooney

Dear Ste

I will always remember the good times we had beside the pool. Who knows? We might meet up again in Rhodes! Awight!

Lots of Love Michael Barrymore (it all makes sense now)

To Ste,

You dirty, rotten car murdering, hooligan! We'll meet again!

That's from Mr Teesdale, Head of Lower School, Northfield School

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am very proud to be best man here today.

I have no doubt that the love Stephen and Lesley share will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever. This wedding is a testament to that love, as Stephen and Lesley start their new life.

If you would all be upstanding..…

Stephen & Lesley