Speech by Darren Jickells

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Darren Jickells
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
I would like to point out this is the second time I have had the honour of being the best man.
On the first occasion it was said I spoke in fluent Swahili.
So forgive me if I slip into utter gibberish.
I'll try to stick to our native tongue.

On behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank Mark for his kind words, and I have to say they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today.
And I think my lucks in with one of them (winks).

Before I go on to leave Marks reputation in tatters, I would like to read a few cards, mainly from people who could not make it to this special day.

Well what can I say, about time Mark, we where all beginning to wonder when he was going to join this wonderful institution of marital bliss, And as they say, all good things come to he who waits, My wife asked me to put that bit in, didn't you dear. I hope your taking notes Mark.

As many of you may already know Mark is my Brother-in-law
I married his sister Sharon almost nine years ago, during those nine years Mark has lived down here in beautiful Somerset, and I get to see him only 4 or 5 times a year which all told has not given me much of a chance to gain any sordid gossip on him, maybe a shrewd move on Marks behalf.

But thanks to his dear family I have one or two little gems for you
Mark as far as I know has always been a sensible smart intelligent fellow, as most of you would agree.
But in his late teens it has been known for him to go of the rails, During a sixth form Easter party Pete and Maureen received a phone call from one of teachers, Could you please come and remove your drunken Son from the premises, a shocked Pete had to go up to the school, and I understand he almost ended up carrying Mark the considerable distance back home.

He apparently insisted that someone had been spiking his drinks (likely story) Mark went on to go to University, where no doubt, following university tradition, he's been in a similar state on more than one occasion, and thankfully for Pete they had no calls of the same sort of nature, it's a rather long way to carry someone home from Bradford.

Mark by all accounts (pardon the pun) is excellent at his job, and like most people who are good with figures he's absolutely useless with practical things like DIY, in fact I think Marks tool kit consists of a bent screwdriver and a box of plasters.

Luckily for him his dads a joiner, and unluckily for Pete every visit to Martok generally entails taking his toolbox and expertise with him.

Did you know our Mark is a bit of a trendsetter, though I think his idea wont catch on too quickly within the fashion industry?
He apparently wears two pairs of boxer shorts to work, what the purpose of this strange practise is I'm not sure. I can only assume it must be very cold in his office.

Apparently one morning, I'm not sure if he was late up, He got ready as normal and headed of for work, sometime during the morning the call of nature got the better of him and on arriving at the bathroom he discovered he was wearing not one pair but two pairs of boxer shorts, well I suppose you can never be too careful.

It was no surprise to me when Mark and Katy announced their engagement, what they have built together in the short time they have been a couple is a credit to them both. And where Sharon has gained a sister-in-law, I have gained a drinking partner in Katy; she's as keen on a good drink as I am. And the only time you can tell she's had a drink or two is when she announces she feels a bit squiffy, when the rest of us are about ready for falling over.

Since the time when Mark asked me to be the best man, I have spent the last few months panicking in front of a blank PC screen, trying to string some words together that actually make sense.
During this period I came across some excellent quotes about marriage and men and women in general, and I thought some of them would be worth sharing with you, as they are rather quite funny, so here goes –

1. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution – Groucho Marx
2. Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures – Samuel Johnson
3. The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him – Oscar Wilde
4. Women like silent men, they think they are listening – Marcel Archard
5. I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
6. Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson
7. Before marriage a man will lay awake all night thinking about something you said; after marriage he'll fall asleep before you have finished saying it. – Helen Rowland
8. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
9. And finally – A man is like a tiled floor, lay it right the first time, and you can spend years walking all over it. – And I have not got a clue who said that one.

It was only a week or so ago that Mark and Katy also asked me to be the toastmaster, and those of you with a keen eye will of noticed the Gavel I have been wielding throughout the afternoon, and if you could just bare with me and take the opportunity to make sure your glasses are fully charged I would like to just add a little something, and present it to the Bride and Groom as a little keep sake.

The base, I am going to give to Mark, so he never forgets their anniversary.

And the Gavel I would like to give to Katy, just in case Mark forgets this memorable date.

And finally I would just like to thank everyone for attending this wonderful day; I know many of you have travelled a long distance to be here. Thanks to the staff of the shrubbery for a great meal and service.

And Katy – well, she looks absolutely radiant today, Mark must be very proud. And I would like to take this opportunity to welcome her to the family.

Thanks to Mark for giving me the honour of being his best man, and thank you both for the present.

So ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I invite you to all stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Katy and Mark, the new Mr and Mrs Hurton. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage together. Mark and Katy.