Speech by Darren McCrory

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Darren McCrory
Speech Date: Sep2006
Ladies and gentlemen, We are going to have 4 speakers.
The first speaker will be Brian, father of the bride, next will be Brenda, the Grooms sister, followed by Dee, and then myself as Best Man.
We'll then hope to finish off with a few speakers from the floor.

I'll now hand you over to Brian, father of the bride.
[ Brian]
Thanks Brian.

I'll now hand you over to Brenda, the Grooms sister.
[Brenda]

Thanks Brenda, [I'm sure Louise and Dee really appreciate everything you and Brian have both said.]

It now gives me great pleasure to invite Dee into the spotlight, for what I'm sure will be an entertaining speech.
[ Dee ]
face Dee
Well Dee, I hope you made the most of your speech [Pause] Now you're a married man, that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted! [Pause]
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Intro
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, Dee and Louise,

Firstly, may I start by thanking Dee on behalf of the Bridesmaids’ for his kind words. [pause] For those of you who don't know me my name is Darren.
My full name is actually ‘Darren would-you-like-a-drink’. [pause] For those of you who I meet in the bar later, I'd appreciate it if you could use my full name. [pause]
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When Dee asked me to be his best man, I was initially thrilled at the prospect.

However, it didn't take long for this feeling of well being, to dissolve into utter apprehension, as I remember the last time I had to stand up, in a room full of people ‘
[pause] I was found guilty and fined ?00. [pause]

I think being a best man can be a very nerve wrecking experience’ [pause] If there's one person here this evening feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead [pause] Then it's probably because you've just married Dee. face Louise
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Dee and Louise have finally got married, for better or worse [pause]
This is quite appropriate, as Dee couldn't have done any better and Louise couldn't have done any worse. [pause] Thanks

I would like to thank Patricia the Maid of Honor, and Nicole the bridesmaid for looking fantastic throughout the day, and for performing their role outstandingly [pause] It can't have been easy dragging Louise to the chapel [pause] especially considering she knew what the outcome would be. [pause]
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Skinny

I think it's now time to give you all a quick run down on the guy who has tied the knot today.
For those who already know him [pause] well, you've got my sympathy.
[pause]
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The rules state that I should sing the praises of the groom, and tell you all about his good points. [pause] Well, I can't sing and I'm a terrible liar. [pause]
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Damien, Dee, Richie, Bazza, Boney M or more commonly known by his friends as Skinny, was born at a very early age on the 18th Feb 1980 and was about the size of a small baby.
In this same year, West Germany beat Belgium 2-1 to win Euro ?0, and also in this same year, a lot of people here today would have tuned into Dallas to find out who shot J.R. [pause] Dee also shares his birthday with Yoko Ono, Matt Dillon and Grease Lightning's John Travolta. [pause]
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Dee was a slow starter. [pause] At Playschool Dee was different from all the other 5 year olds [pause] he was 11.

Fortunately, whilst investigating Dee's school days, I came across a number of his school reports and I have a few extracts for you:

Craft, Design and Technology – Although very keen, Dee has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimeters. [pause] Maths ‘ Dee is so slow, he finds a snails pace exhausting. [pause] Religious Education ‘ Dee's understanding of religion is very poor, [pause] so much so, he still believes Phil Collins wrote the book of Genesis.
[pause]

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— Dee was unsure what he wanted to be when he grew up, and when he left school he started working as a Chef in the Ashburn Hotel. After working here for 2′ years, Dee then decided he no longer wanted to be a Chef, and took a six month career break to decide on his future.
After a lot of soul searching and reviewing numerous job opportunities,
Dee found himself the perfect job [pause] back in the Ashburn Hotel [pause]
as a Chef. Since then, Dee has had a few other jobs, but now works at ‘The Glass
Centre’, and has been there for about 5 years.

Dee tells me he is an extremely hard worker [pause] in fact, at ‘The Glass Centre’, I believe Dee gets called ‘GOD’: [pause] No-one ever sees him [pause] He makes his own rules [pause] And any work he does is a miracle [pause]

Here's a few things I didn't have time for, which you can ask Dee about later:

You can ask Dee about his famous ‘Brown’ trousers that he wore 24/7, whatever
the occasion. [pause] In fact, he would probably be wearing them here today if they hadn't eventually fallen apart. [pause]
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If you ask Dee about football ‘ he will tell you that he plays for Derryhirk United and that he's no ordinary midfielder, [pause] but a ‘Top Class Midfielder’.

Dee will also tell you he has undying love for Liverpool's Stevie Gerard. [pause]

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You can ask Dee about how he always sticks up for his friends if they're
in any danger. [pause] Like the time when I was about 14, when a drunken man started throwing punches at me in a field, near where Dee and I lived [pause] Dee to my rescue – floating like a butterfly, stinging like a Bee [pause] legged it up the field [pause] he ran like Linford Christie to his house, where he hid under his bed, until it was all over. [pause]

Let just hope Louise doesn't get into any fights. [pause]

Both Met / Louise

Dee and Louise first met at the Ashburn disco, and Louise tells me that the
first time she set eyes on Dee she thought he was handsome from a far [pause] Now she thinks he's far from handsome. [pause]
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Many of you will be aware that Dee and Louise have recently purchased their first house together. Although their house does require a bit of DIY work, Dee assures me that he and Louise will be banging and screwing at every opportunity. [pause]
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face Dee
I do have to say how lucky you are Dee. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is funny, and who radiates beauty where ever she goes. [pause]

face Louise
And Louise[pause] how lucky you are as well [pause] you leave today having gained a .
[pause] Gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers. [pause]

* Cards

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who is here sharing in Dee and Louise's special day.
There are however, a few people who couldn't be here, but have sent along their best wishes, so a big thanks to all.

Greg the Groomsman now read a small selection of the cards received by the happy couple.

[read cards]
include in the cards:

This one says: ‘Congratulations Dee and Louise on your marriage, I trust that your purchases did the trick’
Please come into the shop ASAP and settle your account as you have now reached your credit limit, Lots of luck in the future, don't be a stranger, [pause]
Signed: Ann Summers. [pause]

To Dee
– We're sorry we couldn't make your special day, but felt it too emotional losing a special guy such as yourself, will see you again soon. [pause] From all the girls at the Fantasy Palace[pause]

This one's from the Derryhirk Football Team:
To Louise,
We've had Dee playing for us for some time now. We've tried him in every position and he's useless. [pause] We hope you have more luck. [pause]

[after Greg has finished reading the cards]

Thanks Greg.

Advice

As best man I believe I should offer some wise words to the couple about their future relationship together. So I would just like to pass on the following:
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Dee

1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss [pause] then do everything Louise says. [pause]
2. Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words [pause] ‘You're right dear’. [pause]
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Louise

1. A husband is like a tiled floor [pause] lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it. [pause]
2. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take the husband gives and the
wife takes. [pause]

Toast

Over the years Dee has been generous, trustworthy, funny and helpful.
All in all, one of the best mates a man could ask for, not only for me but for many others in this room as well. [pause]
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It has been an honor and a privilege to be best man today. Thanks again for letting me have the job, and I honestly couldn't wish for a better friend, to be best man for.
We've had some great times together, and I know we'll both look back at these
times with fond memories. [pause]
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I would just like to say that we all wish you both, nothing but the best for the future.
You are a unique and perfectly matched couple, and I hope all your dreams come true, and that you may have a long and happy life together. [pause]
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It gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand [wait for standing] and raise your glasses in a toast [pause] to Dee and Louise, the new Mr. and Mrs. Hatchell. [pause]

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May the best day of the past be the worst day of your future.
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* After Best Man's final toast ‘ Open mike to floor.

The microphone is now open to the floor for anyone who would like to
say a few words.

Go around people who would like to say a few words.

Thanks a lot, I hope everyone enjoys the rest of the evening.