Speech by Darren O’Brien

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Darren O’Brien
Speech Date: mar 2004
Ladies and Gentlemen. Yes I am for my sins the Best man. It was a great honour when Dave spammed me for it, unfortunately try as I might I couldn't find a good enough excuse to get me out of it. Seriously though It's great to be at the wedding of two my closest friends Dave and Sharon, and even better to be here as the Best man.

At the last wedding I went to the bride was so ugly everyone kissed the groom.

I'm pleased to say that isn't the case today Sharon, you really do look like one in a million and Dave…..well you look like you've been won in a raffle!

Firstly I would like to say thanks to Dave on behalf of the Brides maids for the kind words he said about them it was Such an emotional speech even the cake is in tears!

And also for the gifts he gave them. I'm sure every one agrees the bride's maids did a fantastic job from the biggest to the littlest.

I would also like to thank you all for being here today to share this very special occasion. Just looking around the room at you all, I suddenly thought: "isn't it amazing how far people will travel for a free meal!"

I was worried about how long this speech should be, but I've been told that it should only last as long as the groom's lovemaking, which means I should have finished 2 minutes ago.

You might be expecting this speech to be full of carry on style sexual innuendo, I'm sorry but it isn't I came up with a great one last night and tried to slip it in, but my wife told me to take it out.

When I discovered that I was going to be best man today, I decided to look on the Internet. After a couple of hours I found some really good stuff, but then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for best man tips not surfing for porn.

I did however come across a best mans checklist for the special occasion which I have brought with me today and I will read to you.

Ensure he gets to the church or in this case the registry office on time, sober and smart. Well here he is. Two out of three isn't bad
See that any ex girlfriends are kept at bay. Well that's not a problem they're all either dead or some are still in quarantine due to last year's foot and mouth.
Bring a bag for emergencies with the following items held within: Aspirin, Antacid, deodorant and of course a small bottle of whisky. Unfortunately I polished off the whisky before standing up to do this speech.
I also came across an interesting snippet of information whilst surfing the net Beware apparently there is a substance that will lower a woman's sex drive by 90%…you've guessed it, it's wedding cake!

It's now customary for me as the best man to do a bit of a character assassination on the groom and give you some snippets of information on the man that is Dave.

Now I'm not saying Dave's a big drinker but Dave is a man of vision…sometimes blurred, sometimes double.

In the short time I've known him I've found Dave has two very different sides to his character he's a very sensible guy on one side. But he has a side to him that's a bit mischievous and well just down right childish if I'm honest.

I don't believe I've ever seen Dave looking happier than when he was pushing my friends daughter Natanya in a pushchair around the RASS summer Show in Germany he was making all the sound effects just like a formula one car as you do when you're about five years old! He was as happy as Larry until the accident…where he got a bit too cocky on the gravel car park lost his footing and went flying! it was a spectacular crash seen by all of a coach full of squadies with their wives. Highly embarrassing for Dave and highly amusing for us as you can imagine. Don't worry though the child only suffered minor injuries…oh and Natanya was completely fine.

When Dave's not pretending to be Michael Schumaker in the Mother care Grand Prix he likes a bit of a singsong. Like this karaeoke night we went to in Malta where Dave thought he'd break away from the usual Elvis impersonations Dave took the Kareoke bar by storm when for a few minutes Dave went back to his childhood day's in the school quire and sang or should I say shouted the songs of praise classic "Come O’ yea faithful". He's no Pavoroti let me assure you and I've never known anyone to clear a dance floor that quickly.

He's a bit of a practical joker. My advice to you is don't cross him. One lad called Billy in Kosovo really got Dave's goat, and Dave decided to break into Billy's room secretly and exchange the contents of his shampoo and shower gel bottle with engine oil to give him that slick look. Not content with this he then finished off by emptying bottles of talcum powder under his quilt and drawing obscene thing on all his posters.

His sense of humour can also be quite dark and disturbing. During a survival exercise we had to kill rabbits and chickens for food and Dave found it hilarious to hold his own impromptu version of punch and Judy. Using the heads of dead animals on sticks as his cast. This amused Dave no end. Sick puppy!

Dave's not happy unless he's risking life and limb sky diving, scuba diving or coming home late at 4 in the morning drunk from a night out to face the wrath Sharon. Dave is Mr no fear and he's been like it since birth when after only moments in this world he used his umbilical cord to do his first ever bungee jump. And talking about his birth do you know I hear that Dave was so ugly at birth that his mum never got the mourning sickness till after he was born.

Anyway happily a few years ago while at Arborfield Garrison whilst learning how to split the atom in trade training, Sharon came into Dave's life and today, Seeing Dave with Sharon I realise what a good choice he's made.

I really admire his taste…, which is more than I can say for hers

Seriously though Dave, you are a lucky groom; you've got Sharon. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring.

And Sharon, you've got………….er Dave

I overheard Sharon's Dad last night reminiscing that 23 years ago they were putting Sharon to bed with a dummy…..isn't it strange how history repeats itself!

What else can I say about Dave he must be doing something right Sharon's not only agreed to marry him once but twice and that's after a war sat in a trench together. If that's not a relationship tester I don't know what is.

Anyway I wish them both my sincerest best wishes. Something tells me Dave and Sharon will continue to do fine.

As a man who'll drink to absolutely anything, I'd be grateful if you would give me an excuse to raise my glass again by joining me in one more toast to the happy couple,

Ladies and Gentlemen the new Mr and Mrs Tawlks Sharon and Dave!