Speech by Darren Smith

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Darren Smith
Speech Date: jun 2003

Before I came here today one of me best mates had gave
Me some advice in regards to public speaking, he says its like
walking into a nudist camp, its only hard for the first couple of
minutes

I'm sure you will all agree that this is turning out to be an excellent wedding celebration. Yet every silver lining does have a cloud..… And that cloud is that you will be subjected to my voice for the next few minutes. Although on a personal note I wish you had all stayed at home and made my afternoon a bit easier.

I have tried to memorise the speech but please forgive me if I look at my notes every 5 seconds

First things first. Id like to thank Jason on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words. They've done a fantastic job today and I do have to say they all look beautiful, and of course the bride, absolute stunning with all that makeup on, and the groom, in his school uniform, looks nearly as handsome me. I also would like to thank the groom again for organising such a memorable stag week in Majorca, only problem being I am not getting married for another 2 years, but thanks anyway.

I think it is only fair to wait to later to divulge any details of the week.

Jason and Melanie met at the universe nightclub in Coatbridge, the story goes that all night Melanie tried to chat Jason up, but Jason played it cool until the end of the night when Melanie ran outside to get Jason's number, Jason could not believe his luck when he seen 2 rather large bouncy balls coming towards him, so he gladly passed over his phone number.

After Jason and Melanie's first date together Jason decided to bring Melanie to Newarthill for a night out (really romantic) so Melanie as trendy as she thinks she is, bought herself an pair of timberlands boots. Jason ended up taking Melanie to the Club that night and to say the least she was very unsteady on her feet that night.

Jason was born on the 7th July 1972, I tried to do some research on this date, but my brother as boring as he is picked a boring day to be born on

The Japanese invaded China
Booby brown was arrested for drunk driving
The Godfather film was released
Mr men books first published
Jack the ripper claims his first victim.

So I guess Jason you're the latest in a long line of boring facts

Myself and Jason had the perfect brotherly up bringing, We used to fight, ignore each other, fight again, even as we grow older he wouldn't even take his brother to the dancing, as he knew he would show him up with his lighting Pace.

He did give me one piece of advice though and that was when I pass my driving test do not buy any fast cars, because known your luck you'll crash them.

So Jason then decides to write off my dad's pride and joy, Granada he then precedes in writing off his Ford Fiesta 900cc, his Citroen AXGT and his Peugeot GTI, no wonder I don't listen to a word he tells me.

I always thought up until Jason met Melanie that he kicked with the other foot “and we are not talking about Celtic” her never mentioned girls, never brought anyone home to meet the parents all he was interested in was drinking strawberry Concorde with Brendan or BH as they call him on a Friday night while listening to Erasure, I thought to myself bent or what, that why my bed was nearest to the door.

Then he met Melanie, he obviously didn't know what a full women was actually like and after 2 years with Melanie he then went off the rails, a story maybe some of sue all ready know.

Jason wanted more and after a drunken night sipping Concorde, Jason and Melanie went back to Suzanne house (Chief bridesmaid) for an encore. Jason waited to Melanie fell asleep and slipped out the bed to go to the toilet, and went back to be bed, but what Jason didn't realise (well maybe he did realise) that he had turned left instead of right and climbed into bed with Suzanne and Danny, lets say there where a couple of emmmmmm non oxford dictionary words and Jason was kicked to the kerb, but maybe her did like the Hairy type after all.

There was another story that Melanie told me a couple of years ago but I promised not to mention that night Jason lets say thought that a mattress would be comfier to sleep in covered in a wet puddle, better not go any further or we will be having a divorce ceremony in the morning.

Seriously though no one could be happier than me for Jason today, to see that he is setting down into married life, except perhaps the blue oyster bar and 0870 555 555.

The step from schoolboy to dysfunctional yob was a big one for Jason, and wasn't long before he was terrorising the streets of Newarthill in his white Ford fiesta 900cc, in fact people often remarked as he drove passed that he looked like a Hollywood film star, only without the suntan, or the muscles, or the good looks, or the style, glad to see your still with us today Jason.

The real love of Jason's life and the reason we are all here today of course is Melanie, though after there first meeting, its surprising they ever managed to get together at all. Jason's best chat up line to his future wife, “I'm sorry I stink of garlic, to which Melanie's reply was that's ok im not wearing any knickers. I still can't work that one out.

Before I mention the stag Jason friends asked me to say a couple of words on their behalf. They say that he ahs a big head, does that mean that he is intelligent NO, does it mean that he was excellent at football def not, OR DOES it just mean that's he's a slapper (slap his face, check the size of my hand)

Also they wanted me to mention a couple of the fraudulent incidents that Jason and Melanie have been involved in, and to let everybody know how easy it is to get a free carpet and tele, while using a non stick iron a and a bottle of coke (sorry orange juice), hope there's no police in here today. And also something about a caravan and staying at the Marriott hotel obv a personal joke

As I mentioned earlier on the stag week went with a bang, Jason was that exciting that I could not contain him for 7 days, this time he went for a hardened drink a sip of Glayva. There were also a couple characters on the trip we had the tweenies, Michael Schumacher who turned into PC PLOD, Sickboy, who topped anything I had ever seen in Train spotting, and we found an over sized naked Ape wondering the hallway at 6 in the morning, a hideous creature. And we ever needed to phone home ET was always in hand

Telegrams

Melanie, We could have been so good together give me a call if it doesn't work out- Matt Goss

Jason – Don't go forgetting us now your married, love all the girls at the Red balloon and massage

Jason – We will miss the threesomes from Neil and Christine Hamilton

If Jason is as half as good as a husband than he is a brother, then you will have left here with a man who epitomizes honour and respect both for himself and for those he loves.

Now it gives me great pleasure not to mention relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Jason and Melanie the new Mr and Mrs Smith.