Speech by Darren Wise

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Darren Wise
Speech Date: May 2001
START

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Darren WouldYouLikeaJackDaniels&Coke, and if you shout that out in the bar when you see me I'd be grateful.

So, to begin with, on behalf of the bridesmaids, Della and Jessica, I'd like to thank Gavin for his kind words. I have to agree they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today helping to get Marie ready and to the church on time. So I'm sure you will agree, Marie looks stunning and I hope you have enjoyed the day so far [ask Marie]. It's been an emotional day – even the cakes in tiers. (sorry but the classics are always the best)

I would also like to thank everyone else here today for coming to celebrate Gavin and Marie's special day, especially family and friends who have travelled long distances to be here.

MIDDLE

It was a few months ago that Gavin asked me to be his best man. I'm not quite sure what that says about his decision-making skills. But it's been a pleasure to play this role today. It's been a good day so far. Everything has gone fairly smoothly too. I think you'll agree that my primary goal of getting Gavin dressed and to the church on time was a complete success. I know that may sound like I'm congratulating myself but if you know Gavin you can appreciate how difficult it is to get him anywhere on time.

So onto Gavin and well, where do you start, I mean, I feel I would be misguiding you all if I tried to assign the label of a stereotype accountant to him, as I am sure many of you here today would agree.

Anyway, a few years before Gavin trained to be an accountant, he used to play football quite regularly, mind you according to the lads he was useless in all the positions he tried so lets hope Marie has better luck!

Then, back in 1987 I met Gavin when we both arrived at North Staffordshire Polytechnic to begin a gruelling 4 year degree course.

Here Gavin quickly settled down into student life, where he avoided anything remotely connected to study.

This therefore allowed Gavin maximum time to pursue other more pressing interests such as debating the merits of a Grolsh / Diamond White Snake Bite & Black compared to a Tennants extra / Strongbow Snake Bite & Black, unfortunately due to the sampling required during these regular debacles the results remained inconclusive.

It was during this time that we managed to develop a full diary of events that meant we could hold our debating society 7 nights a week at a number of choice venues sharing, with other like minded people our findings.

It was on one of these nights that we found ourselves within the confines of the students union on a karaoke night. To which one of our housemates and usher today, Phil Taylor was crowned king of karaoke for his rendition of Please Release Me (by Engelbert Humperdink) whilst Gavin & I were booed off stage for our non performance of Summer Breeze due to visual impairment.

But to be honest, with all due respect to Gavin's parents, I was like a Mother to him at Polytechnic;
I watched him drink from a bottle
I watched him stagger around naked
I watched him crawl
I've dressed and undressed him
And I've even cleaned up after him

So onto more recent events and it was almost five years ago now that romance began to blossom for Gavin & Marie – next to a fruit machine in the Ritz's nightclub, Nottingham!

Since then Marie has had a major impact in Gavin's life. During the course of their courtship she has single-handedly effected numerous modifications in his behaviour and personality.

FINALE

Well I feel at this point that it's my duty to offer a small piece of advice to the groom and Gavin will be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be compared to football, a passion of his;

Be fully committed every week and make sure you score every Saturday.

However, Marie assures me that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way onto the transfer list.

On that note, a word to the groom –

Remember whose boss
And never answer her back

But all that aside, Gavin has been a constant and loyal friend to me through the good and the bad times. He taught me accountancy on numerous nights in the pub, bailed me out of many sticky situations and carried me home more times than I've carried him, and I thank you for that. Gavin, you are a great friend and I sincerely hope that our friendship will continue – particularly after this speech.

And now, some messages from those who couldn't make it-

TELEGRAMS/MESSAGES ETC

My Darling Marie, we could have been so good together, call me if he goes off the boil, love Robbie Williams xxx

Gavin, You're a Dynamo, I'll miss the good times, love Cameron Diaz xxx

Marie, WHY? WHY? WHY? love Ricky Martin xxx

Marie, it just wasn't our time, love Reverend Joe xxx

Sounds like you've broken a few hearts out there.

END

To round off this speech I would like to say that – Gavin, you've really pulled a blinder in marrying Marie. You've found someone who is beautiful, funny, smart, loving and caring and a match for you any day of the week. And Marie you have found……………….well you've found Gavin.

Finally, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to Mr and Mrs Ainsby where I am sure everyone would like to wish you good health, happiness and a wonderful life together.

*****……..THE BRIDE AND GROOM……..*****