Speech by Dave Bisland

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave Bisland
Speech Date: May 2001
This is not the first time today I have got off a warm seat with paper in my hand!!!

Good Afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Dave Whatyoudrinking, and if you shout that out in the bar I'd be grateful.

I must thank Terry on behalf of the bridesmaids, pageboy and myself for his kind words. I must also thank him for asking me to be his best man. I don't know why he asked me, perhaps it was to make him look better in the pictures.
I must admit though, I was very surprised when he asked me. It was like being asked to sleep with the Queen Mother. A great honour, but no-one really wants to do it!

That's understandable though as weddings are nerve racking and emotional days.
I mean, even the cake is in tiers!

Well they say a best mans speech should last about as long as it takes him to do his manly duty in bed……………..but as we haven't got all night I'll be brief.

So, Terry came into our world on 20th October 1968. Looking at him now it's not too hard to believe that quite frankly, he was an ugly baby! In fact, he was so ugly that when he was born the midwife slapped his parents.

Not many people know this but he was very nearly called Thursday, as his dad took one look at him and said to Izzy “right, that's it, lets call it a day!!!”.

As he grew up he didn't have any friends, so Terry & Izzy tied a bone around his neck so at least the dog would play with him. Only joking of course Terry.

Young Terry blossomed into a beautiful little bundle of fun, guilty of little more than his collection of bogies on his headboard. As he grew up, he became interested in football, and started to support the one and only Manchester United. He often played football in the street and parks with his friends. They tried him in every position and he was hopeless……………lets hope you have better luck Sarah!

As he progressed towards secondary school, Terry joined a club to worship his hero's. Not United, but Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Yes, boy wonder was to trade the Hod Squad for the God Squad when he joined Covenantors. Needless to say, it didn't last too long.

Into De Stafford secondary school he began to show early promise. In fact he excelled in one or two subjects. Unfortunately he was expelled from most of the others!!!!

On leaving school he joined Pinewoods as a car cleaner, and soon became an apprentice mechanic. In a few short years, he became the fully skilled mechanic that we all know and respect, particularly as he charges so little! Having said that, everyone that has ever asked him to work on their cars will know never to set their watches by him!!

It was around this time that Terry began to develop a fetish for glum faced creatures with whiskers and bulging eyes. No, not Sarah, but his obsession with fish.
Anyone visiting Terry's house recently will agree that it is Caterham's version of the Sea Life Centre.

So, we come to the meeting of the happy couple. Sarah was a work friend of my wife Sharon's, and had a few problems with her car. Sarah, a young innocent girl, with a funny accent and a warped sense in music, came round with her stricken vehicle one evening.
Needless to say, boy wonder was there, like a Knight in shining Armour, to rescue the damsel in distress. After he had fixed the car, they both had dinner at our place and that was that.

For the next three weeks they were joined at the lips like a pair of Siamese twins in the little white car, covered in Daniel O'Donnell stickers!! Our very own Butch and Emily were in love!!!!

And finally to today. Well Terry, I'll give you some good advice as you are new to this married lark.

Its important to get on with the mother in law. I didn't speak to mine for two years. Not because I didn't like her……….I just didn't want to interrupt.

Never go to bed angry………….always stay up and argue.

Always remember the three little words…….”You're right dear”.

Never swear at your wife if there are ladies present.

The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.

I better start to sum up now on account of my throat…………..Sarah threatened to cut it if I lasted any more than ten minutes!

Terry and Sarah, we are all here today to wish you all the happiness in the world. There are also a few people that can't be here today for various reasons.
I'm sure also that in particular Terry, your Nan and Great Aunt Mary are looking down on you at the moment and enjoying a couple of glasses of whisky as well as waving that dreaded stick!! In fact, if Great Aunt Mary were here today her card would have read something like “Happy Birthday Vince……….you are getting a big boy”……or something. I'm only joking of course Mary!!

I do have a couple of cards here…………………………..…

Ladies and gentlemen, there are obviously two very important people here today whom we all have the utmost respect for and quite honestly with whom we could not do without. At some stage this evening we will all be with them, sharing with them this special day, so if you will all stand with me I would like to make a toast to them…….The Bar Staff!!!

Seriously though, on a more sincere note, I would like to take this opportunity to say that Terry and Sarah, we all wish you all the happiness and luck in the world and every success in this new chapter of your lives. So ladies and gentleman will you please raise your glasses and be upstanding and join me in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Warren……Terry & Sarah!

May your weddings be few and your anniversaries be many!

Thank you.