Speech by Dave Cracklen

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave Cracklen
Speech Date: 11/05/2012 16:54:02

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentleman…

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, (Lisa, Laura, Julie and Debbie) as well as the two gorgeous flower girls (Erin and Ava), I'd like to thank Steve for his kind words and gifts…

I have to say they all look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job;- not least in getting Tara to the church on time (or almost on time) – no mean feat as I understand she put up quite a struggle. .. !

For those of you that haven't bought me a drink yet, my name is Dave and I've been sentenced to -sorry blessed with- being Steve's best man today.  

It's said that being asked to be best man is one of the greatest honours you can be given, (personally I can't help thinking I'd have preferred an OBE and a trip to Buckingham Palace, but there you go).

However it's also said that it's one of the most terrible things you can do to a friend, so thanks to Steve for giving me the opportunity to make a fool of myself in front of his friends and family. Remind me to repay the favour one day…

Most importantly, I'd like to start off by congratulating the happy couple on the wonderful commitment they have made.

Marriage asks that couples take each other for better or worse and Steve, you really couldn't have done any better. And Tara, .… I guess it could be worse!

In all seriousness, I felt genuinely honoured when Steve first asked me to be his best man.

Eventually, when I got over the feeling of dread, I naturally had many questions:

– What had I done to be bestowed with such an honour? – Had all his other friends left the country? – Who else had refused? Neil? Kev? Chris? The man from the newspaper shop? Some bloke he met in the street?

And most importantly, could I refuse and still get an invitation to consume lots of free alcohol?

So, after I'd accepted, I had to think about what to say.

Naturally, in today's world, the obvious place to start looking was the internet. So, with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I began searching the web. After a couple of hours I'd found some really entertaining stuff,….… but then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for best man tips and got back to the job in hand…

One of the main tips all this research gave me was to get to know the bride as well as possible and I've really enjoyed getting to know Tara better.

In fact I would like to congratulate her on the meticulous planning for this special day I would also like to thank her for the numerous phone calls, messages, texts, e-mails and orders I've received over the last few months to ensure Steve got here in one piece…

However, I really had to draw the line when she phoned me up this morning and asked me to smear some Vaseline on Steve's ring..… I know we're friends but…

One of the other tips I found said that I should try and say a bit about Steve's childhood what his background is etc…, so here goes…

Steve was born on 27th March 1978. Unfortunately for me, I didn't meet Steve until eight years later, when we both arrived fresh-faced at junior school.

For those of you who don't know, Steve and I had the good fortune of going to a private school and I'm pleased to say it seems to have left no significant mark on either us…

Although strangely if you ask Steve about the first couple of years at our school, he will tell you he remembers very little… just occasionally complains that the teachers smacked his bottom long before he was old enough to enjoy it…

I know that Steve actually really enjoyed school, and reports of an enthusiastic, hard working, gifted and successful student were regularly taken home at the end of the year… Just not by him…

I am sure he will be delighted to hear, however, that I have managed, with the kind assistance of his dad, John, to get hold some of his actual school reports and I'd like to share a few comments with you now…

I'll begin with a comment following the first set of exams Steve ever sat…..

• Despite his constant chattering in my class, Steve does well……….However this exam was woefully lacking in any kind of success..… I suggest we cut down on the inane chatter and try to forget about this result as quickly as possible…. 

As time went by however and our teachers got to know him better, it would appear that his charm and ability to get away with murder began to seep through in some of the reports and I quote…

• 3^rd Year English- Steven has worked intelligently and enthusiastically throughout the year…..His examination paper was awful;… but simply because the content did not suit him.

But, thank god for the rest of us, it wasn't long before the teachers began to get Steve's number…

• GCSE Geography- Steven's interest and application are very limited. He is also very easily distracted. It is time he began to co-operate rather than be co-erced!

What our geography teacher didn't know was that the reason Steve appeared distracted was that he had covered the entire inside of his geography text book with pictures of page three girls…

But I've been cruelly selective enough, here's one that I think Steve will enjoy

• GCSE Maths- Steven's enthusiasm for the subject does occasionally get out of hand… He must let other pupils make a contribution to the lesson and realise he will not always be right……I should add that in fact, he usually is…

Although not the most diligent of pupils, Steve was always a quick-witted lad. I will never forget one time in sixth form when the headmaster caught him and a bunch of us having a fag down in the bat cave – our equivalent of the bike sheds.… Before the headmaster could say anything, Steve went round each of us, stubbing out our cigarettes and telling us off…

He then turned to the headmaster and calmly explained that he had been working undercover!!…

Despite those mixed reports Steve left school brimful of cockiness and clutching a handful of A-levels. He then went to Kingston University, where, I am told; it wasn't long before he became a typical university layabout…

So much so that apparently one of the student houses he lived in was so disgusting no one would ever do the washing up. Finally when he couldn't bear it any longer he would dump all the crockery out on the patio, squeeze a whole bottle of fairy liquid over it and jet wash it with a garden hose!….

After university Steve had to step out into the big wide world of work and it wasn't long before he found his niche in insurance broking-  a job I understand, largely built on one's ability to ‘do lunch’….so no wonder he fitted straight in…

It was through their work that Steve and Tara first met. In fact Steve told me about that first meeting and how he knew Tara was the one… It was so romantic – he sat down with his actuarial tables, factored in Tara's lifestyle and risk factors,… and came to two distinct conclusions..… Firstly, she would live as long as he would, so they would have many years together..… And, secondly, because of her relatively few dangerous habits, Tara's premiums would be nice and low….!

((Now that's the kind of romance that brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?))

Joking aside, I am genuinely glad that Steve has found someone like Tara someone who will lift his spirits when he is down, keep him grounded when he's up, wipe the dribble from his chin after a heavy night out, give him a slap if he steps out of line… and all those other things I and his other mates have had to do for him over the years…In fact we all thank you Tara for taking him off our hands

 In reality however, throughout all his boozy misadventures, his bold experiments with fashion and his previous limited love- life (Vicky Scarf; they were 7 years old – she was 6 inches taller than him~), I truly believe Steve was always waiting for Tara – a woman who I know is perfect for him.

Between them, Steve and Tara have created a wonderful, welcoming and happy home with two gorgeous kids and I know they have a bright future ahead of them.

Steve and Tara, you are surrounded today by friends and family who want the very best for you both, and we all wish you every happiness in the world. Our heartfelt congratulations, and, in a nod to our present company, I'd like to close in the words of the old Irish toast:

May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow, and may trouble avoid you wherever you go….

So then, Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention immense relief, to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast…..

…………………………to Steve and Tara.