Speech by Dave Curran

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave Curran
Speech Date: Aug 2009
I'm the one who drew the short straw – sorry, was given the great honour – of being the Best Man here today. When James asked me to do it his only request was &quotfor God's sake keep it short – and whatever you do don't mention the war&quot – so I'll try and stick to that.

Now I think everybody will agree that our bridesmaid Nuria has done a brilliant job of making sure that Inka went against her better judgement and actually showed up. Thanks also to Kat and Hannah whose ushering and organising skills are amazing – especially with the rough crowd of rowers that we've got on the table over there.

So I'd like to ask you to all stand up for a toast – to Nuria, Kat and Hannah.

Inka, can I also say you look absolutely amazing this evening. And as for James – well, what can I say? We did our best…

Now I first met James about 29 years ago, when I can only assume that my Mum and Dad were so disappointed with their first attempt that they decided to try again. At the time he was only about the size of a tiny baby – how times change.

In fact I asked the parents for some photos of him that I could splice into the slide show at the back there, and they had just the job – a really cute one of him lying on a sheepskin rug eating a huge biscuit with his face covered in chocolate. I was going to use it – but thought it would be too embarrassing as it was only taken last week.

As a child, James had that knack that little brothers seem to have of getting away with absolutely everything. He'd go and put the cat in the crockery cupboard again, but I'd get the blame on the grounds that I told him to do it! I remember many times when he'd eat my secret sweet supply, and I'd hide a cactus under his duvet, and we'd both go crying to the parents – but he'd always email from work the next day to apologise.

Now it's customary for the Best Man to say few words on what sort of man Inka has just married.

James is [read from the notes] caring, loving, funny, charming, generous, successful, suave – [show James] – Suave?? Sorry James, but I don't think that's how you spell suave.

He had an ingenious streak from an early age. As a small child, he'd go shopping with my mum, and had the misfortune of getting lost in the supermarket. Fortunately it had a happy ending, as he was recovered by the nice old ladies at the till, who gave him sweets and generally spoilt him rotten until they could reunite him with the his by now rather worried mother. All well and good, but he'd clearly realised that he was on to a good thing, as the next time we went shopping he accidentally &quotgot lost&quot again! And the next time, and the one after that.

Another feature of James is that he's not all that practically minded. He built a fantastic tree house as a kid, apart from the fact that it was on the ground rather than in a tree, and also on a dried up river bed. He seemed genuinely surprised when after the next big rain storm the river in question surged into action and completely obliterated it.

It's fair to say he's not a particularly big spender. When Inka first trusted James to do the weekly shop, he came back after the best part of an hour with nothing apart from two packs of bread rolls, four boxes of highlighter pens – a special offer, apparently – and some croissants. Inka might not want to trust him with the clothes shopping either – at one point he only had three t-shirts but no fewer than 160 pairs of socks!

Now I know a lot of people are probably wondering just what does Inka see in James? Well I've known him for a long time and, to be fair, I don't know either. I suspect it may have something to do with his willingness to cross the city in the middle of the night to remove &quothuuuuge scary spiders&quot from Inka's house.

His first attempt at a Big Romantic Surprise for Inka was a no-expenses-spared night at the Royal Opera – unfortunately they broke down for six hours on a flyover on the M6 – on boxing day, equipped only with an expired AA card and a spare tyre that was &quotin the garage in Cambridge&quot.

Inka was quite remarkably tolerant of that fiasco, but after that, James wasn't leaving anything to chance – and the large number of rowers amongst you may have noticed that he proposed to Inka on while on a skull in the middle of the river – meaning that Inka was well and truly trapped!

So having finally sealed their union, I have to say how lucky you are James – as you will leave here having gained a wife that is attractive, intelligent, loving, caring and very good on the river. And Inka you're a very lucky lady as well – you leave here having gained… well, a new dress, and a bouquet of flowers…

Now it's customary for the best man to give some words of wisdom top the newly weds on marriage. Being single I can't speak from experience so I went out looking for a happily married couple that could offer some advice. I'm still looking… so I had to draw up a few of my own –

? For James: The best way to remember the date of your wedding anniversary is to forget it once

? For Inka: Men are like fine wines, they start out as grapes and it's your job to stamp on them until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with

? And for you both: Set the ground rules right at the beginning and decide who's boss in this marriage – and then for god sake do everything she says!

Joking aside, it's been a genuine privilege to be your best man. I couldn't have wished for a better brother and we're all very proud of you, and thrilled to see you marrying Inka.

I won't keep you any longer, as I know James is dying to buy you all a drink at the bar. So I'll hand over to Dad to say a few words.