Speech by Dave D

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave D
Speech Date: 25/04/2010 22:28:42

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you that don't know me, I'm Dave and I'm Nic's best man today.

Before I get on with the tradition of trying to embarrass the groom I would like to start by thanking Nic for his kind words on behalf of our lovely bridesmaids. They all look wonderful and have done an excellent job today. I would also like to thank on behalf of Nic and Chloe those of you who have made a particularly long journey to be here. Everyone here looks fantastic, and you are all only rightly outshone by Chloe herself who I think everyone will agree looks stunning. Thank you to the ushers for doing the really difficult job of telling people where to sit in the church……especially Ste for actually turning up on time for once, well done mate.

************ DRINK

I'd also like to congratulate Nic on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, couldn't follow a word of it mate

When Nic asked me to be his best man I was obviously very flattered. But then I realised I would have to give a speech of my own, and that at some point during it I would have to say something nice about Nic….… the problem is I'm not used to doing either of those things so please bear with me!

One night not so very long ago I began to think where and how I could I do some research to prepare for today. The obvious place seemed to be the Internet, so armed with Google I began searching the web. I found some really really good stuff on the internet that night……then I suddenly remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man speeches.

************ DRINK

I should explain at this point how I know Nic. I met him 10 years ago, through Ste the usher over there who he went to college with. It was a freezing Saturday night in the middle of winter. He had just passed his driving test. I made up the excuse that the locks were frozen on my car to get him to pick me up, and he fell for it. Half an hour later he turned up in a mustard yellow Vauxhall Astra and gave me the scariest car journey of my life back to a friends house. He seemed very young and innocent at the time; I can clearly remember him asking me that same evening “how do you grow sideburns Dave?” 

This means I met Nic at the tender age of 17 and as such when writing this speech I first thought I wouldn't be able to talk about any of his embarrassing childhood stories. Then I was sneaky enough to recruit his mom, Diane to my cause who emailed me reams of material. Nic, I hope this isn't too bad mate…

Not many of the people in this room knew you when you were younger Nic, and so we don't know what you looked like back then. You will be relieved to know that again your mom has come to my aid with some treasured family photos. I think the following stories will be better if we can all really picture you all those years ago. On every table you will find 3 numbered envelopes. Can someone please open envelope number 1 and ONLY ENVELOPE NUMBER 1 PLEASE and pass the contents around the table so everyone can have a look at baby Nic ………………..[pause for everyone to see photos]………………

I'm sure you won't mind me saying Nic that occasionally you are a little bad-tempered………….however your mom tells me that this wasn't always the case. In fact, right up until the age of 2 you were a happy little baby as the photo clearly shows, but right at that point there you began to develop a habit of rolling round the floor in a huff if you couldn't have an ice lolly…….things went downhill from there…..

Your mom informs me that you quickly took on the role of the man of the house during the years that there were just the two of you at home. You took on the responsibilty of looking after your mom, and were afraid of nothing………until the day you climbed the big spider web at the theme park, got stuck at the top and cried until she came up and rescued you……..

Then Bill came along, and I think its fair to say him and Nic have been at odds with one another at times over the years……….however Diane has actually dropped a bombshell in her email and I'm sure she won't mind me sharing this here………in the past both Nic and Bill have actually STOOD UP FOR EACH OTHER when the other one wasn't there. I thought this an appropriate day for them to both learn of this miracle.

And so we get to the point in Nic's life where he discovered cars……….it started with competitions with his mom to guess the make of the oncoming car by the shape of the headlights, and ended up in Nic thrashing the living daylights out of every car he has ever driven. 

In his mom's own words: ” Unfortunately as he grew older and learned to drive his interest in cars was not what the make was but how fast they could go, hence just about every car he has owned or been given has been written off. ”

If we can all please open envelope number 2 we can see Nic with his first ever car…..[pause for everyone to see photo] Note he is already driving with only one hand on the wheel and is not really looking where he is going. I am afraid to report that a few moments after this photo was taken Nic took the corner into the kitchen a bit too quick and came unstuck. The car was beyond repair.

I'm sure Nic would still be accelerating now, but thankfully Chloe and Phoebe have done a great job of making him a safer driver.

************ DRINK

Full credit for those stories and photos goes to Diane, thank you for sharing them with me and letting me embarrass him with them in front of all of these people.

As I sat at home, distracted by the wonders of the internet trying to think of stories to tell you about the time I have spent with Nic since that cold winter's night ten years ago, I realised that just about every story is completely inappropriate for the audience in front of me.

There are two stories I can share however.

Firstly, I can tell you now don't ever bother trying to watch a scary film with him. I once managed to convince him that The Ring sounded like a good film. He hesitated at first, but four cans of lager later he was drunk enough to agree to watch it with me. We switched the lights off for effect, cracked another can, ordered a pizza and pressed play. 60 seconds later we get to the first scene of the film that makes you flinch…… I jumped a little, spilling some beer. Nic jumped as well……right out of his chair, ran across the room and dived for the light switch shouting obscenities. I still have no idea how that film ends…….

It was around this time that me and Nic started our drinking careers together. You will be pleased to know that in envelope 3, which you can all now open, we can see Nic in training at a rather early age. Note how extremely happy he is to see a whole half a lager all for himself, and how much he regrets drinking it in one go.

The second story I want to share helps explain how I see Nic as a friend. There may be some hurt egos in the room when this is done but its a best man speech so hopefully I can get away with it. 

Let me introduce the cast of this short story. Firstly, we have a 6 foot 5 inch chav, weighing at least 18 stone, gold sovereigns and burberry everywhere. With him is the customary foul-mouthed girlfriend, and a gang of at least 10 mean looking hooligans. The giant chav's name, ironically, is Rocky. Then we have 4 very drunk friends. Me, Nic, Ste the usher and Mark. 

The action unfolds thus: It is the early hours of a Sunday morning. Rocky and co are hanging around on the car park of my old flat doing whatever chavs do at that time of night on car parks. After arriving home after a night out, Ste and Mark start arguing. Me and Nic try to calm Mark and Ste down. Mark, as usual, gets even more wound up, and vents his insane anger at Rocky, running at him like a crazy fool hurling abuse at him. Mark narrowly ducks the brick that is quickly thrown at his head, and just about dodges the foul-mouthed girlfriend swinging a stiletto at his face. Mark turns tail and runs quicker than anyone has ever seen him move. Ste shouts some nasty words at the chavs then runs after Mark almost as quick. 

I move forward to calm the situation down as friends flee all around me, and am suddenly concious Rocky is bearing down on me along with his small army. I could really do with a friend at this point….I look left and there is Nic on my shoulder, frantically doing the universal sign language for CALM DOWN. This brave action earned Nic a solid left hook to the face from Rocky. To this day Nic swears he was not knocked out , but in fact tripped over the nearby kerb. I'm glad I didn't get punched I thought as I looked down at him in the gutter. 2 seconds later I take a right jab straight in the face. We then manage to make a tactical retreat and find Ste and Mark safe behind a locked door.

The point of this story is quite serious, and this will be as close as I get to an emotional tribute to Nic. When I needed him that night he was right with me, and has been since, and I am sure will be in the future. That is what I think we all ask for in a friend.

************ DRINK

I am not very well qualified for this next bit, but it is one of the best man's duties to offer some marital advice, so here goes.

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who is the boss: ………………..Then do everything Chloe says.

Always remember to tell your wife the three most important little words ………… ‘You're right dear’

Never go to bed on an argument, always stay up and argue.

And finally………….

The best way to remember your anniversary … is to forget it once!

************ DRINK

Now, you will all be happy to know that is the end of my my bad jokes, its time to be serious for a moment. Nic, I know that you will make a fantastic loving husband, just as you make a wonderful dad to Phoebe. Everybody will agree you make a lovely couple and a great family. It has been a superb day so far and it has been a real honour to play a part in the celebrations.

************ DRINK

It now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention enormous relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to the new Mr & Mrs Harrison.. To Nic and Chloe.

Thank you and enjoy the rest of the day.

************ BIG DRINK, DOWN IT