Speech by Dave Green

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Dave Green
Speech Date: sep 2003
INTRODUCTION

When Mike came to me and asked me to be his best man, organize a stag night, get him to the wedding on time and say a few nice things about him at the reception, I told him that it would be an honour but thought he might be better off with someone else…

He then offered me ten quid…

So, good afternoon ladies & gentlemen, and welcome to the celebration of this very special moment in Mike and Jackie's life…listening to me!

Now I was really, really nervous about standing up here and speaking today, so I prepared a few lines – and having snorted them, I feel absolutely fine!!

But you'll be happy to know that I'm not going to talk for a too long, because of my throat – Jackie said she'd cut it if I'm here much longer!!

Also, ladies and Gentlemen, today is a family occasion. So bearing that in mind, I've removed all the controversial and offensive material from my speech..…

.… thank you very much and goodnight! <sit down>

THANK YOU'S

Seriously though, I'd like to start by saying a few thank you's on behalf of the bride and groom:-

Firstly, thank you to the Bridesmaids and the Maid of Honour. I'm sure you'll agree how charming they all look today and I have here a small token of the happy couples appreciation for them. To Emma, Sally Anne, Rebecca and Tracy – Thanks you ladies <clap>

Secondly, thank you to all those many people who have helped in making this day come together. There are many of you who have helped and I sure the bride and groom will be thanking you individually, but there are just a few people that Mike & Jackie would like to extend a special thank you to for going that extra mile:
– Firstly, to Brenda with the photography for today. Your help is very much appreciated and the Bride and Groom would like me to pass on that they have settled on the Polariod for later on tonight if that's OK…So tank you Brenda <clap>
– And also to Angela and John, Mike's Mum and Dad, not only for providing Jackie with someone to marry today, but also for looking after Stephan so that the Bride and Groom can both have a lie in at the same time while they are on honeymoon. Thank you Angela and John <clap>

And lastly I think we should so our appreciation of all the efforts of the staff here at Grinkle Hall for putting on such a wonderful spread for us all and for being so accommodating during the preparations. Thank you very much. <clap>

CHARACTER ASSASSINATION

So to move on to what this day is all about: – Mike and Jackie.

I think you'll have to agree what a wonderful couple they make and how much they look the part today. As for the bride, doesn't she look stunning in that fantastic red dress…..As I always say, be safe be seen.

And for a change, Mike has scrubbed up quite nicely too!! Surprising what a flannel and bar of soap can do!! Mind you, I'm not too pleased about him copying my outfit.

Speaking of clothes, it has to be said though that Mikes taste in clothing has improved enormously since he and Jackie have been together. I mean if you take a look at him here – today – and in your mind's eye think of this as the after picture…
…Now that begs a before picture doesn't it?…
Well, I just happen to have one! Now unfortunately the colour printer broke down just at the wrong point yesterday so if I can just point out to you the lovely embroidery stitched into this mustard yellow blouse… err, I mean….shirt that Mike is sporting, with brown leather wristband accessories.

Of course Mike started out fairly early on with the ostentatious clothing as we can see here in this wonderfully “cute” shot of Mike on a night out with the lads….Now my best man did this to me at my wedding, so we'll have a quick game of spot the Mike – is Mike the one on the left, in the middle, or on the right. I'll presume nobody think's he's the mother Mary at the back!

So those for the left? And in the middle? And finally who thinks he's the one on the right?

However if you think that was cute, I think it's time to insert a gratuitous baby shot. Please be ready with a spontaneous “ahhhh!” <<unfurl baby shot>>.

Anyway, unfortunately for Mike all this spending on expensive fashion ending up getting well out of control <<unfurl prison shot>>.

Luckily for Mike, Jackie came a long and made sure he would look more presentable, teaching him the airs and graces of polite society, which she learnt in finishing school…<<unfurl Jackie drinking shot>>

Of course what really matters is not the clothes people wear, or the prisons they've been in…but do they love each other! Now Mike has been accused upon occasion of bottling up his emotions and perhaps being a tad on the quiet side….but again Jackie seems to have encouraged Mike to bring those emotions to the surface, as I think some of you may have witnessed at a previous wedding, where Mike spent much of the evening serenading Jackie in the corridors of the hotel, just like Tom Cruise to Kelly McGillis in Top Gun. Is there any chance we can get a repeat performance now…..? No?

Ah well never mind – Isn't it fortunate we live in an age of digital recording? <produce CD & walk to stereo>

Now it has to be said that this would embarrass myself as much as Mike as my own dulcet tones are there in the backing vocals….but I was expecting it…..So here is Mr Kippax singing lead vocals on “You've lost that loving feeling”.<play CD>

WRAP UP AND TOASTS

Okay, how am I doing for time – who was it who paid me to keep going until they won the sweepstake? Oh right – I'll start wrapping up..!

So Mike I have to say that you've really pulled a blinder in marrying Jackie. You've found someone who is attractive, funny, smart, loving and caring and a match for you any day of the week. And Jackie, you have found……well you've found Mike.

All that's really left for me to do now is to ask you all to be upstanding and join me in a toast to the Bride and Groom.

“may you travel long and far in your life together, may the rough road bring you closer together and may the smooth road be enjoyed together” – ladies and gentlemen – the Bride and Groom